Slowly Sinking

[beec]

Hello everyone... here it goes...

Just over a month ago, I ended my almost 5 year relationship because he kept drinking stupid amounts every weekend and doing drugs till early hours of the morning. Every Sunday/Monday he would say that was it, his last blow out but come Friday, he would tell me he was meeting his brother in the same pub for a couple but it would always be the same ending of me waking up sat morning and he hadn't come home. I tried just ignoring it and not giving him grief, tried taking too him but he just wasn't getting it. Am I wrong in thinking when you are in a relationship where you live with each other, then you come home! I don't think he was up to anything, he was just taking it too far and not coming home after passing out wrecked!

I ended it and he was quite happy to leave!? And is making out he's having the time of his life and after 5 weeks, has met someone new. When I asked about her he spoke of her as if he'd been speaking too her a lot longer, I'd say a week after us splitting. We have broke up twice before now and he has met other girls and had a relationship but came crawling back every time because they wasn't me.

I just don't get how he can just get on perfectly fine!? And met someone so quickly again!? Was I nothing too him?

I have two children from a previous relationship, real dad wants nothing to do with them and I'm trying to track him down through child maintenance as he has just disappeared? But my ex wants to still be dad as he has raised them and they call him dad so I have allowed that.

But when ever he talks too me, he just has pure hatred in his face and can't even look at me! But we was at a family BBQ the other day and he walk past while I was texting and he tried pushing my phone out of my hand and then made a comment about me always being on it!? I'm just getting mixed signals!? He then made a dig about my makeup but yet when he first walked in, said a looked nice?

I just wish he showed at least he was gutted but he seems fine! How could he move on so quick and I'm crying most days and feel totally alone! I feel like I'm lost! I still love him and now regret ending it even though I know it was the right thing. I just keep remembering how much I was protected and I can't stand the thought of another girl getting that.

It's just over a month and I'm not making any progress?

You need much longer than a month.

I hope so.... it's torture

This man sounds like a horrible unreliable mess. It is a very good thing that you and your children won't have to be around him any more. Why was he at a family bbq? I appreciate that it is really hard but as he isn't the children's father I would cut all ties completely. He certainly shouldn't be attending family events.

Could you make a list of the top 5 times he lies or let you down and then a list of the top 5 reasons you life is better without him and read it when you need to feel strong?

I was at his family BBQ, iv know his family for years and they have taken my children on as their family and love them. I have no family, both parents are alcoholics so I had to stop contact for the sake of my children and myself as I had an awful childhood.

My youngest only knows him as dad and iv allowed him to be dad and I thinks it's wrong for me to play god and just stop contact just because he is making me feel bad? He's very good with my kids, calls them every day and gives money for them and sees them?

I just feel every time I start doing better, he kicks up? Yesterday I had a miss call from him, wasn't going to call back as I know I always end up upset but did because I'm a fool and he seems to have some hold over me? When I called him back, it was because he wanted a wedding invite that he had left!? It's not until next year and he didn't really need it. Just seemed to me that he wanted to remind me that I wasn't now going and he probably wanted the details to give too this new girl he is with. It's just constant games

Why is it I ended it, it's a month on and I feel like getting worse?

It isn't about you playing God because of your own feel i gs it is to protect your children. The way you have described him he does not sound like a good influence so if recommend cutting contact. However if you really do think he is safe for them and you trust him then you have to move to sending the children without you. If he really does see them as his children this won't be an issue. You two have split up. You need to give yourself the space and time to get over him and you can't do that if you are putting yourself in his destructive path all the time.

I am really sorry to hear about your parents, maybe this has coloured your view of parenting and the acceptable way for people to treat each other.

I k wo I am being pretty harsh but you seem to be sticking your head in the same a bit. If couse he is going to contact you and give you mixed signals, it is a power play. I is angry with you And wants to hurt you by being confusing. Also as you have taken him back in the past he thinks it will happen again.You need to show him and his family that there isn't a relationship like that anymore. Over time once you no longer have feelings for him then maybe you could reach out to his family but right now you need space.

It will probably get worse before it gets better. But it will get better.

You say you are getting mixed signals but by what you've posted there are no mixed signals at all.is it you clinging onto the hope he cares.he does care but not for you but himself and he loves the control he still clearly has over you.he clearly has very low self esteem and by being with him you have allowed him to erode your self worth. Misery loves company as the saying goes why do you think he brings you down or tried to knock your phone out of your hand to him it's a signal that you have interests other than him.let his new girl become his emotional punch bag because when you are over him he will still be in his little world of anger then you will think what the he'll was I thinking look at the state of you

Thanks Viking and your right! I am probably just holding on? What to see him miss me in some way and I'm just looking for any "sign" to suggest he is missing me? I ofcourse worry that he will be different for the next girl

He will be different for a very short while but the bloke you know will resurface very quickly and will then become her liability.you are worth so much more just believe it yourself

Thanks Viking, I went for a run today which I know is the best thing when feeling low. I'm just going to focus on me!

Im a runner too and it helps me as well

Forgot to say try not to feel sorry for yourself it's a surefire way to spiral down and stay there.go for a run kick a pigeon....perhaps not.

That's what iv been doing! (Not kicking pigeons) but thinking why me, why can't I be in a settled relationship, married but it's not life's all about. It's about making your own memories and more importantly.... my kids! I feel fantastic for the run! Wish I'd never stopped but i was always too tired and that was because I was running around after him and worrying if I'd done something wrong all the time because of his narcissistic ways. Thanks for the chat... this place has been a real help!

That's ok.It's good to talk.all the best