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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

my husband won't believe me and says its over, what do I do?

49 replies

veryconfused111 · 05/08/2017 11:24

So my DH and I married over 15 years and kids in primary still. Struggling for 5 years with marriage. I had an affair 4 years ago, wrong I know but symptom of what was going on, ended it and in the end told my husband as felt so guilty i had betrayed him. Felt in order to move on I had to be honest. We had 2 plus years couples therapy. Bloody painful and hard. Got things kind of back on track but always bit up and down, but isn't that marriage with young family? Anyway 12m ago male friend of mine (my husband doesnt know him) made contact thru FB and we chatted a little, prob did have some banter but nothing more. Then I didn't hear from him for over 8 months nearly, no big deal, it wasn't anything more than just chatting, not a relationship. Life with my DH went thru a down phase, loss communication and loss intimacy and we were both unhappy for diff reasons, me coz I felt i was living with my best friend and him because his self esteem was low and he felt i didn't love him. Old male friend resurfaces, having problems in his marriage, looking for support and friends and sympathy. I am helpful by nature and like to be needed, have got myself into hot water before by being overly giving in past, my bad, diff to say no to people. Anyway i did listen and in turn told him my woes and worries. Nothing happened and I have no romantic feelings to him at all, none, but maybe I should have been aware that he was forming an attachment to me, which he was but I just brushed to off as him going thru diff times and needing some kindness. Anyway my DH since affair always had trust issues, which I get, always checking my phone, hates any male friends getting in contact. We have arguments in past over why would a man want to be just friends with me, he thinks there is always another seedy motive. So unknown t me prob fuelled by the fact things are pretty shit between us right now, he checks my phone behind my back and of course sees texts between me and male friend talking about our partners, in one text my friend does say he loves me but in a jokey way, as in love you mate, type thing which i don't respond to. So my husband confronts me and I tell him he is a friend going thru tough times, we don't meet just text, he demands that I go thru the texts with him. I know there are messages in there saying I am unhappy with my husband. I refuse to give him my phone out of principal and anger and he refuses to let me leave the room. I have just got out of the shower, am naked with towel dripping wet and he wont let me get dressed, just stands there saying go thru your phone with me. So i turn on phone and delete the messages and say no I wont, it was stupid, done in anger but I felt he had no right to ask. Now of course he has gone crazy angry, swearing at me, saying I'm an f'ing b*ch, saying he will tell the kids I am having an affair and what will they think. I was frightened and said you're scaring me and he said good you should be scared you should be very scared. And then stormed off. Now left thinking what do I do??

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/08/2017 12:57

I am team husband

You are a cheat and have continued to display untrustworthy behaviour

No trust, no relationship. I don't much like his vaguely threatening behaviour, no one deserves that, but you should be out on your arse

rightwhine · 05/08/2017 13:09

Get up, dust yourself down, accept the marriage wasn't working and move on.
Try to understand what went wrong. I'm sure it wasn't all your fault but obviously you weren't blameless. Seek counseling or read books on healthy relationships to ensure your next relationship has the best foundations.
Let go of the past and look to a better future. Concentrate now on getting him to Work with you on ending the relationship with the least damage to the kids.

Original poster

veryconfused111 · 05/08/2017 13:44

I accept my part. Not trying to make excuses. Think I was working towards ending things but just not like this. My concern is the children and not getting caught in any mud slinging or subjecting them to getting caught in the middle. That's all. Just all very sad and painful for everyone

OP posts:

MeanAger · 05/08/2017 13:51

My concern is the children and not getting caught in any mud slinging or subjecting them to getting caught in the middle.

Then agree to the divorce and get it over and done with as soon as possible. Don't contest it when he lists your adultery or unreasonable behaviour.

LinoleumBlownapart · 05/08/2017 14:30

Think I was working towards ending things

I agree it would be awful to drag the children into this. It sounds like you've scrambled his emotions to the point that he's burning with hatred and nolonger has control of himself to parent appropriatly. It would have been far kinder to have ended it, rather than string him along for the ride until you decided you were ready to end it. I'm wondering if some of your anger is coming from the fact that him and his actions are no longer under your control. I would ask him not to use the children as a stick to beat you with and just move on like adults.

Poppysmamma · 05/08/2017 14:45

Let him go. Even better, you leave. You chose to put your marriage at risk you should be the on to suffer the consequences.

Beenbadwolf · 05/08/2017 15:07

When you are pushed to your limit you lose control. He sounds like he has reached his limit. The way you have treated him is appalling. Hopefully now you are apart he can regain control.

I agree with that he poster above that you have lost your control over him and him ending it has surprised you. You thought he would always put up with your treatment of him and have been shocked that he has ended it.

It is your responsibility to treat him with some respect now and let him move on. If you want to safeguard your children in this then take responsibility for your actions and separate amicably.

thunderyclouds · 05/08/2017 15:15

My DH had an affair. We're still together. If he behaved as you have done I'd kick him out, no discussion. Your marraige is over, there is no going back from this.

Nancy91 · 05/08/2017 15:23

Just get a divorce sorted.

Karma comes back to bite everyone in the arse eventually, remember that!

InvisibleCities · 05/08/2017 16:27

It sounds like it had got into emotional affair territory, and when you deleted the texts what did you expect him to think, "Oh she must be telling the truth then"?

Anyway, the trust is gone. And the marriage is dead. Now just focus on your dc's and how to make this as easy as possible on them.

juneau · 05/08/2017 16:42

My concern is the children and not getting caught in any mud slinging or subjecting them to getting caught in the middle.

So don't put them in the middle and don't get involved in mud slinging! You've fucked up - twice. He forgave you the first time, but this time he's done. So do the decent thing. Agree to the divorce. Take your share of the blame and make things as amicable as you can. You are not in a position to take the moral high ground here. The best you can do is acquiesce to his demand for divorce and then ensure that your part in it is as graceful and decent as it can be.

AwayWith88Faires · 05/08/2017 17:03

He wants a divorce let him have one. He forgave you once did you think he would forgive you a 2nd or 3rd time?
Reading your post it sounds like it was heading to an emotional affiar or was already there. You should have let him read the texts not so he would be OK with it but for his own peice of mind. Now he's going to be wondering for a while what those messages really said and it could effect him if he ever got with anyone else.
If you were really that unhappy you should have told your husband not another man.

The damage is done now own your mistakes. Go to therapy on your own know why you cheated get to the root cause of that and the need to feel so needed. Then hopefully if you ever get into another relationship you have all the right help.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 05/08/2017 17:26

So basically you wanted the marriage to end in a way people wouldn't blame you as the cause. You had no problem having an affair first time around, and now youve betrayed him again. As the saying goes, if you have to hide something from your partner youre doing something dishonest or betraying them.
You werent thinking of your kids welfare or feelings when you were cheating or having these chats, but now you want them lied to and it covered up youre a cheat and a liar? You want it kept quiet for your benefit, nobody elses. You deserve for the kids to know you ripped tbe marriage apart because you did.

Piratesandpants · 05/08/2017 17:32

Your behaviour is appalling. Your post is nauseatingly self-indulgent 'I am helpful by nature' etc. Your husband deserves someone much better who respects and loves him.

Patchouli666 · 05/08/2017 17:58

You've not helped your kids or husband despite being 'helpful by nature' have you? He's not been your first thought or priority for a long time.

Notreallyarsed · 05/08/2017 18:05

I came on to write pretty much word for word what AnyFucker said.

LittleBooInABox · 05/08/2017 18:41

You should have given him your phone. You broke trust, you have no right to say that he can't know imo. If you decide to stay, you realise he will want to check, trust is gone. Banter is an excuse. You deleted them because there were messages you didn't want him to see, and want him to trust it's innocent. I'm with your DH.

Accept it's over. Let him find someone who won't treat him like his feelings and doubts, doubts that you cause by having an affair, are unreasonable.

BadHatter · 05/08/2017 18:44

I'm sure the kids will find eventually out that mummy tore the family apart because of her"helpful nature".

C4pinkwheels · 05/08/2017 19:07

You had an affair, ended it and then couldn't handle the guilt so chose to tell your husband so that you could deflect the guilt and misery in his direction. There are two morals right there, one don't be unfaithful and two if you are and don't get caught, don't tell your OH because it's your mess so own it.

Why on earth would you have a text relationship with someone and keep the messages on your phone when you know your husband doesn't trust you and regularly checks up on you?

You reap what you sow

Rinkydinkypink · 05/08/2017 19:12

I think the point here is you husband has lost trust in you to remain faithful. You might have worked hard to rebuild that trust over the years but it's not worked out.

tadpole73 · 05/08/2017 20:18

I've been in exactly same situation as your partner. It's not fun, it destroys your self confidence, you are in the wrong, he is best off out. Sorry, but you should have given him the phone, you caused the lack of trust and yet continue to fuel it. My heart goes out to your partner. Why jeopardise your relationship when you aren't fundamentally doing anything wrong? It's idiotic. It's childish. How would you feel living alone and your partner moved on happily with someone else - who potentially will have access to your kids as a step mum? Why behave so cavalier? It's not about you, it's about your relationship which involves your kids. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. Harsh lesson learned me thinks.
You liked the attention, you aren't as naive as you try to insinuate. Push people to the edge, they will leap eventually.

CrazySituation · 06/08/2017 00:11

I have been on the receiving end of something like this. At least you are showing some degree of contrition.
In my case my STBX still denies she did anything wrong as they hadn't physically met. They were discussing each other's marriages, feelings for each other plus exchanging gifts but in her fucked up world view this was OK and I was the cause of it all.
They met less than a week after I found out and told the AP's wife and are now conducting a full PA

Ironically she petitioned me for divorce - hopefully your husband willl be more proactive than I was.

QueenLaBeefah · 06/08/2017 00:42

It sounds incredibly hard work being married to you.

thethoughtfox · 06/08/2017 08:49

Please accept that you are completely in the wrong and are responsible for this. Apologise to your husband, accept responsibility and that gives everyone the best chance of moving on.

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