How would a divorce work?

[JammyC]

Hi I'm a lapsed MNer since having my DD a few years ago. My relationship with DH has always been rocky but for the past 6 months I think we've been rock bottom. More and more we are arguing, sex is non existent. There's a constant one upmanship/competition between us over anything and everything. I have suggested relate or counselling and when I do he refuses and says we might as well get divorced.

There's no love between us anymore. I feel like the only things that are keeping us together are our DD and money. I realised last week that I spend most of my time out of the house at work, sorting DD's activities or playdates or being with my friends. He goes out to play sport twice a week. When we are together he's on his phone, watching tv or playing with DD. There's no contact as a couple and when there is it's generally an argument. Really feel like we are more housemates than husband and wife.

I earn a lot more than him. The house is in my name, as are all bills and credit cards. We are married though so not sure how that factors into it all. We don't have a joint bank account - his salary goes into mine and I transfer his 'personal money' (about £200) into his own account for personal spending.

We both work full time and use a nursery 8-6pm. My job is quite unflexible hours so rely on him (who has fixed hours) to do a lot of drop offs and pick ups. Because of this, he reckons he'd get custody as my job can have long hours. This scares me. He couldn't manage DD on his own and with some support from friends and possibly a CM I think I could have her most of the time with no issues.

I'm not sure how a divorce would work out on a number of levels.

Would he get half of the house?
As I earn more than him, would he pay anything towards DD at all?
Who would get custody?

If he 3hrs moved away (he thinks he might move back to his parents), how would that work in terms of access etc?

Sorry for all the questions. I'm at a real loss as to how to move forward. I'm terrified of him using my career to take DD away. I'm happy to share custody etc but I feel very strongly that her home is here with me.

It is probably best if you have an hour with a solicitor. When I was considering divorce after 19 years I paid for an hour in person with a good solicitor and she set out the risks. Like you I earned more than my ex although we both worked full time and possibly he spent a bit more time than I did with them although not that much - we had a full time daily nanny so he was hardly a house husband.

My older 3 children were old enough to choose where they lived and there was no doubt they would live with me (they asked me to divorce their father). So the advice from my solicitor was I would probably get the children as the younger 2 would not be split off from the older ones. However the law is gender neutral so there is no moral or legal reason children should be with a mother more than a father particularly where both in the couple work full time.

I would have been delighted with 50/50 residence but their father refused to have them even one night a year! I think he realised it was the only way to make things hard for me withdrawing all practical support. We negotiated using lawyers (I paid for both sides) a clean break split with no maintenance from me to him - he had wanted maintenance for life as I earned a lot more. I was very glad to get a clean break even though he got a bit more than half our assets. Our pensions were worth about the same so we each kept our own. He does not pay child maintenance and as I earn a fair bit more our negotiated financial consent order says I pay for them and their school/university fees but that is unusual - I earn 10x what he does. Every case is different.

In your case it might be better if he does not move 3 hours away as that is going to mean loads of problems, whereas if together you could negotiate a remortgage of the house (if you own a house) and release equity (which is what I did) so he could buy a home. My ex lives 5 minutes away. Then the child can come and go between.

Are you sure you want a divorce though? Had you considered a second child - it's obviously easier to get a second one in the same marriage and then divorce although I doubt anyone would agree with me about that on here.

In answer to the specific questions if you earn a lot more than he might get more than half the assets but 50% is probably more likely. The courts add up all the assets and all the liabilities you both have in England (Scottish law is different) - it does not matter whose name they are in. Keep pensions out of it for now. So do that sum probably a bit of savings, equity in a property and a mortgage and possibly credit card debt to take off. Work out the net sum. Half it. That might be enough for a clean break and whoever does not live with the child would be likelyt o pay 15% of their after tax earnings to the other for the child. If you earn a very lot more your spouse may be entitled to spousal maintenance from you whoever the children live with.

It is possible he might get the house and residence of the child and you have to live elsewhere and pay him spousal and child maintenance from a near by rented studio flat. It tends to be a lot better if you can both negotiate a settlement as going to court can use up all the savings you both have. It is worth reading this financial needs document on divorce www.judiciary.gov.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/guidance-on-financial-needs-on-divorce-june-2016-2.pdf

Generally, you will get custody as in 90% of cases regardless of income even though you earn a lot more than him. The house is in your name, as are all bills and credit cards but as you are legally married, he is entitled to some of the property.

Would he get half of the house? No, you would be able to live in the property until the child reaches 18. I am not sure if you have a mortgage on the house or if the property is rented.

As I earn more than him, would he pay anything towards DD at all? Yes, he would still have to pay child maintenance (see www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance to work out how much payment will be)

Who would get custody? As a general rule, mothers get custody

If he 3hrs moved away (he thinks he might move back to his parents), how would that work in terms of access etc? That is up to both of you - maybe fortnightly weekends.

These are all just assumptions but if you can both work out an amicable separation, there could be shared parenting which is best for the child in question and the child will have both a loving mother and father, they will have 2 homes to live in as well as 2 families. You can work out child maintenance between yourselves and you do not have to involve the authorities.

Even taking a short break from each other might change your views on separation/divorce. All the best...

Ghanchi, I'm not sure your advice is accurate.