Why won't I wake up?

[user1497455653]

I'm 5 months pregnant and we have 4 other children. We had one each and 2 together (plus the one that's cooking)

We have had more than our fair share of issues. I know he is controlling and abusive but I can't just wake up and dislike him for it. I blame all his negatives on myself, he's controlling because I've made him that way, he's abusive because I've hurt him. I can't do the things I'd like too because he's insecure - because I made him.

He has really, really good positive points. Things that I don't think I would find in someone else, values I really appreciate and respect which makes his flaws almost smooth out a little.

I've been far from perfect and as far as violence goes I have instigated it too on occasions as well as defend myself. Hand on heart I would say it's been 70% him and 30% me. So I'm not squeaky clean and if I'm honest I'm always the one who comes out worse off 😔.

I just love our family unit, I love what we have. Everyone thinks our relationship is so strong. Only the other day my friend was saying how envious she was of how he adores me. I'm such a fool 😔 he does adore me - when he's in his 'good' character otherwise, like tonight he's been calling me a 'dirty slut' and hopes our girls don't grow up like me.

It was only last night my eldest asked if he would adopt her. I don't want to tear my family apart, not now, not pregnant and I don't want another broken home.

I can't go to the gym, I can't use social media, whatsapp, when I go out he gets moody so I've stopped going out with friends in the day, I'm not allowed to watch certain programmes on tv and tonight he mentioned me wearing make up to work (I have acne from pregnancy 😞)
Once I've had the baby he's demanding a lie detector test and said he will kill himself if I fail.

I know it's all wrong, I know I'm being treated badly, but when I'm not he treats me good, he dotes on me and makes me feel so loved.

Nobody knows what our real relationship is really like, nobody knows any bad bits in our 8 years together. I feel like a liar - my friends always say how envious they are of us.

I don't know what I'm expecting to gain from writing this, i guess I just wish it would all get better or I will want to leave him. I'm in limbo

Well you don't have to leave. You can carry on like this. It is your life.

*I can't go to the gym, I can't use social media, whatsapp, when I go out he gets moody so I've stopped going out with friends in the day, I'm not allowed to watch certain programmes on tv and tonight he mentioned me wearing make up to work (I have acne from pregnancy 😞)
Once I've had the baby he's demanding a lie detector test and said he will kill himself if I fail. *

All of this sounds awful, do you want to carry on like this? There are people who can help you leave if you want to reach out to them.

I can't go to the gym, I can't use social media, whatsapp, when I go out he gets moody so I've stopped going out with friends in the day, I'm not allowed to watch certain programmes on tv and tonight he mentioned me wearing make up to work (I have acne from pregnancy 😞)
Once I've had the baby he's demanding a lie detector test and said he will kill himself if I fail.

he is a nutjob. Sorry but he really is. Is this how you want to live? And the violence? What are you both doing?

If you want to live like this well I suppose you are an adult. Could you please try very hard to hide this insanity and misery and disfunctionality from your poor children who will grow up thinking this is a normal relationship and chose something like it themselves with all the misery continuing to the next generation. Doubt you can hide this though.

No. I don't want to carry on like this.

I've been 'riding it out' and 'waiting for things to get better' for months now. It's not getting better - not at all. I don't want to throw the towel in prematurely when it might, possibly start to get better but at the same time I think if it hasn't got better yet, it probably won't.

It got real bad mid April and I've been waiting for it to pick up since then. ☹️

It won't get any better. There is only one "him" and that's a man who choses to call you a dirty slut.

Do you want your life for your daughters? Because that is what you are teaching them to accept.

No. I'd be dragging my girls out of a relationship like this. Whether they liked it or not

I am not a doormat, I'm a confident woman who stands her ground and doesn't take shit. I'm feisty and I know what I deserve. I'm a strong woman who doesn't NEED anybody for ANYTHING

Well, I was and I did. What the hell has happened to me ☹️😞😭

You're hormonal and in love with what you think he is - but you know what he is really.
Only you can decide what you want to do now - you written it here, all but, haven't you?

I am sorry op, but you are a doormat. But it is your choice, stay if you want to stay, leave if you want to leave. Your girls deserve better even if you don't think you do. Don't underestimate the damage that is being done to them seeing you being treated like this, and as a pp has said, their time is coming too when they start getting abuse from this man,

I've woken up.

Last night was the end of the line for me.

Well done OP. Are you ok? Are the kids ok?

How are you doing this morning?

Hey I'm fine.

Feeling better than I have in a long time. I'm not an indecisive person so knowing I had a decision to make was eating me up.

For the moment things are still a bit muddled regards to home life. I work evenings and weekends so I do 'need' him to a certain extent. I will be looking at bringing my maternity leave forward though so that 'need' decreases in time length.

I have told him he is to move out ASAP and as he is full of self pity guilt he has said he will still watch the children in the evenings whilst I work, put them to bed etc so they probably won't realise dynamics have changed for a while as he's always gone to work before they're up in the morning anyways.

I am very aware that his generous side to parenting the children in the evenings for my benefit may well be short lived when he realises I'm serious in the split so i will be looking at alternative working arrangements or people to watch the children for me today as a plan B.

Financially I've been preparing for this for a while. Getting my ducks in order as much as I can without him realising so I feel pretty chilled and relaxed...

It sounds like you've got everything ready/organised OP which is great! Contingency plans in the event of spite are always good too. I'm glad you're feeling better, it sounds like you've had a really rough time.

This sounds like a positive move forwards! There's lots of support here but please make reaching out to IRL friends part of your plan. Take care.

Well done OP

Definitely get real life support too but well done

He is abusive. Got to Women's Aid and ask to go on the Freedom Programme. I've just finished it, and it is full of strong women! You will be gobsmacked when you go through all the personas of The Dominator and realise what you've been putting up with and excusing. Good luck