Do any of you regret your divorce? Would it just have been easier to plod along?

[Mrstumbletap]

Experienced mumsnetters, I would love your perspective/advice.

Been together 10 years, married 6, 1 DS at school. We argue too much, he says nasty things then regrets it and I struggle to get over it, we have sex too little, I don't really fancy him anymore and he has a hobby that takes up a lot of his free time.

I've worn thin and I don't think i have anything left.

But Im scared we will divorce and I will think:
It wasn't that bad
Life would have been more comfortable with 2 incomes
Im lonely
I will never find anyone else
Now I will only see DS every other xmas
Some of my friends have it worse and stay married why didn't I?

He wants to try and work on our marriage, he doesn't want us to split up. I suggested marriage counselling and he said he would consider it.

How did you know if its time to put some more work in to your marriage or start the divorce process?

I think that's a good question and I ask myself that a lot. Looking back I wonder if we could have got through the difficult years when the dc were young and life was manic and come out the other side.

I also had a prolonged and messy divorce and wish I could have avoided that so I would say if you can do it amicably then moving on is easier.

I also wonder if i should have waited until the children were older/independent and I know a lot of people do that and I think that makes sense.

It depends on the issues I suppose and how serious they are and how they affect the children.

In your case I think it's worth trying the counselling. Or give yourself a bit longer to plan/decide/consider it all.

I can see what you mean. When there is a big reason, such as adultery it is easier to feel that divorce is the natural step to take. in your case it is much less black and white.

I also think you should go for the counselling and see how that works out. It may be that talking things over and being given a different perspective will help you both to see if the relationship really has run its course or if you can rekindle whatever it ws that brought you together in the first place. It's easy to get a bit jaded in a long relationship, when you have children.

he says nasty things then regrets it and I struggle to get over it

This would be the crux of it to me. DH and I argue and we argue a lot sometimes, but he never says nasty things. I guess it depends on what he says and why he doesn't stop.

I wish my marriage had of worked out and regret that it didn't, but I couldn't have stayed in it as I was so unhappy. I am much happier now, but do wish that I had of been this happy in my first marriage and not had to be divorced and hurt my family. We argue too much, he says nasty things then regrets it and I struggle to get over it, we have sex too little, I don't really fancy him anymore and he has a hobby that takes up a lot of his free time. That was us, exactly and I am far happier now and would not go back to that marriage, I just wish I had chosen better the first time!

It sounds to me like you should try marriage counselling or a marriage course. Marriages do sometimes go through rough patches and come out the other side - I can think of several examples among people I know. It would be a shame not to at least try.

However, if he refuses counselling, then that sends the message that he's not really willing to work on it.

I'm only just starting down divorce route. I an understand your perspective entirely. We have been together 13 years. I am so glad I started it now rather than waiting. In the long term there will just be more resentment. Get out while you still have your mental health.

I was in an unhappy marriage, well we were both unhappy really. Plodded along for the sake of our two dc. Got to where you were at and i begged him for marriage guidance counselling as i didn't want to split, but knew we were both unhappy. he refused, buried his head in the sand and i just died a little inside and plodded on for another few years.

Eventually re-connected with an old friend and started an emotional affair. knew what love felt like etc so instigated seperation / divorce against dh. it was the push i needed.

It was scary, painful and life changing and not a decision to take lightly.

That was six years ago now. i am now happily married to OM - we are much much more suited than exdh and i ever were.

Split was reasonably amicable in the end - he was unhappy too and I like me leaving was the right thing to do.

But it is not easy. Life after divorce is difficult. Everything changes and is harder - even if the split is amicable.

Sharing your dc is hard. Its never the same as being in a proper unit. Extended family relationships breakdown. And ultimately if one or both of you move on you have the issues of blended families. Gross.

On paper my divorce and life post divorce has been plain sailing. Amicable financial split meaning we both get to own our own homes, 50:50 child residence, happy kids, no issues with exh and dc and my new dh (kids love him, exdh and him get on fine). God knows how people cope when it goes tits up.

I think you both should have a full & frank discussion and see what you both want & expect from marriage. All marriages go through different stages and it is how you feel about each other that matters most. If you truly have no feelings for him, then maybe some time apart would be an idea.
As he has suggested counselling/guidance, he clearly has feelings for you. Study him and look for his good qualities - if he has. One or too few, that is different.
What have you got to lose by giving it a really good go? If it still doesn't work you will know you gave it a chance and it didn't work out.

I think you should try counselling. The you have at least tried. My DH has refused counselling, and after some therapy on my own, I have concluded that I can't fix it on my own. At least your DH is cooperative. And the counselling will probably help you even if you do end up splitting up.

Thank you so much for your honest replies it helps me put things into perspective.

It's such a hard question. The choice wasn't mine to make and I'm glad of that. I would never have made the choice to split. 90% of the time I feel his (undeniably selfish) decision has benefitted me; my life is better now. Our marriage wasn't so bad but was disappointing in lots of small ways. But the other 10% catches me unawares every so often, and I continue to be devastated that we didn't work out. That such a major part of my life has been ripped out of me. That we didn't love each other well enough. I don't know if these feelings will ever go away. I'm 18 months in. I don't know whether you are better to stay or go; for me it is an improved and happier life in general with a significant price paid for it - a deep-rooted grief and loss that I think will always be a part of me.

I have been plodding like that for over a decade. I went away recently and upon coming home caught him out. So this is the final straw and I want rip off the plaster quickly and get past the pain.
I'm scared in the future I will have similar regrets. But then I think about all the grim stuff and very rare spots of joy and am hopeful.

Sounds like you are not ready yet though. Go to counselling for yourself ASAP and try and get marriage counselling underway.