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Nasty beyond belief.

17 replies

juanlegonly · 29/06/2017 22:04

Hi All, I'm Alan, I decided to leave my partner for several reasons I won't go into, but it's wasn't just one thing, we have two kids aged 17 and 14, they are both fine with the separation. I felt I was being an upstanding guy, when I announced that I would apply for a council property and leave her and the kids in the house for the time being. I know neither of us can force a sale until the kids finish education, so I'm happy to leave things as they are.
Inside a week, I was given a bungalow,which didn't need much decorating and I could more or less more straight in. A quick shopping trip, to the local charity store, saw me come home with a bed, wardrobe, cooker, fridge freezer, settee and chair and a few more bits. I didn't have much money as my ex was very good at spending when we had and more, getting us into debt every week. So, with what I had, I managed to set myself up with the basics.
When I left the house after I'd made several trips in the car to remove clothing and the essentials I needed (but I still have a lot of stuff there), I never checked my jacket pockets, the keys for our house were in the pocket, when I got to my new place and took my stuff in, I checked my pockets and she'd taken my keys. I went round and tried the door, it was looked, I knocked and she answered the door, so I asked her were my keys were, she told me she didn't know, but I knew better, she claims I must have lost them, yeah, right. She informed me that anytime I wanted anything else from the house, I had to call first and if her mother was visiting, I wasn't allowed in! I replied, "this is my house as well as yours and if I want to be in, I will get in", her rely was, "Wanna bet?".
I've been round on several occasions to collect more of my stiff and she's either out or has the door locked so I can get in and she's staying upstairs. She won't give me a set of keys to get in my own house or a set of keys to get in the garage to get my bikes or the shed to remove some other items.
I know she has my keys, as when I've looked through the window, I can see them on the mantelpiece. She hasn't spoken to me in almost 4 weeks, will not answer the phone and now I don't know what to do.
In February 2016, I paid to have new windows and doors installed, I wonder how she would feel if I got my mate (who installed them and has given me a receipt), to go and remove the double glazing units, yes, it's a knee jerk reaction, but, it was I who paid for them, it would be a joy as far as I'm concerned to see the look on her face.
Yes, I agree it might seem a childish resort to take, but I'm getting nowhere with her, I had an almost fatal seizure in October (that my neurologist and hypnotherapist has told me, is more or less because of her behaviour towards me). I've had several months of torment, stress, many hospital and doctors appointments, many changes in medication and hours spent going over events time and time again, wondering why she's turned nasty and become so bitter, I've noticed she's changing into her mother, more and more, every time I see her.
I've been very good to her and the kids and taken her mother to more medical appointments than I can remember, helped family out many times, done way more than my share of work in the house on top of working a 11-12 hour day.
Maybe I should have been more authoritative earlier on in the relationship and curtailed her spending, but I reckon she would just have put everything on a credit card and left us in more debt.

Any suggestions please, I have several thousand pounds worth of personal items in the house and I do not want her selling them.

What I've told you, is just the tip of the iceberg, it would take me days to list all the things she's done.


OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 29/06/2017 22:09

See a solicitor ASAP

Refilona · 29/06/2017 22:11

Can you not get advice from a solicitor tomorrow first thing? Or at least ring the citizens advice bureau? I am pretty sure what she is doing is illegal as she's basically keeping your property without permission.

DancingLedge · 29/06/2017 22:14

Take the windows out of the house your children live in?

Viking64 · 29/06/2017 22:19

Just curious how did you manage to get a house so quick

Dibbles1967 · 29/06/2017 22:19

Definitely see a solicitor.

Are you still seeing the children?

Sorry, I have to ask - how on earth did you get a council property inside a week?!

juanlegonly · 30/06/2017 00:07

Just curious how did you manage to get a house so quick?

Easy answer, a few years ago, when we were going through another rough patch, I applied for a house, nothing suitable has been available, but a bungalow near my sister became empty a few days before I decided to leave. It takes a week before it appears on the housing list and as I have a below knee amputation, arthritis and osteo-arthritis, I was classed as vulnerable, hence the speedy result.

I've not seen the kids, but they are very aware of the situation and are both having school exams at the moment, so I don't want to hassle them, they know where I am if they need me.

I do have a lot a personal items in the house, fishing equipment, my hi-fi and CD collection, DVD's, mountain and road bike, cycling helmets and clothing, motorcycle helmet and clothing, a lot of personal family stuff that was given to me by my late parents, watches, pictures, personal items. The list is endless.
The remark about the windows was partly a joke, but, the kids spend every weekend at her mothers, so two days without glazing would have been a right laugh. Sorry if I've offended anyone.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 30/06/2017 09:17

Difficult without knowing the details but I'd be completely fed up if dh walked out the spent weeks faffing around walking into the home he's left me in without notice using his key. You have the luxury of a home where your ex can't suddenly turn up and walk in so I think it's unfair not to grant her the same respect. You need to arrange a suitable time to collect everything so she and you can move on.

juanlegonly · 30/06/2017 10:38

Difficult without knowing the details but I'd be completely fed up if dh walked out the spent weeks faffing around walking into the home he's left me in without notice using his key. You have the luxury of a home where your ex can't suddenly turn up and walk in so I think it's unfair not to grant her the same respect. You need to arrange a suitable time to collect everything so she and you can move on.

Just for the record, the house is paid for, I used the money I was awarded as compensation to pay off the mortgage, this was money given to me, but as I'm a caring guy and the kind of bloke who would give you the shirt off my back, then buy you a coat to make sure you were warm, I put the money into the house, I could have opened a bank account and kept it for myself. So, I was thinking of the family here, not myself.
To give you an idea of how shallow I've found my ex to be, when my mother died, she left me a sum of money, instead of putting this into the bank, we decided to have the attic converted into a bedroom and I could get a better price by using cash. The money was put in a safe place until it was time to use it. Roll forward a few months and work was about to commence, when I went to get the cash it was gone, only myself and my ex knew where it wad been hidden and I hadn't took it, she denied taking it and with having no proof. nothing could be done and the project was cancelled. In January 2016, I had a pension maturing and got £11,000 from it, we again planned on doing the attic, but also, there was enough money to put a new roof on which was in need of doing. My builder was contacted and the work was arranged to start in the 6 weeks summer holidays, sadly, the work never happened as she went on spending spree and blew the lot, the only thing I can find in the house that she bought, was 3 pairs of Adidas trainers she got for our daughter, all were the same size and cost £70 a pair, I hit the roof, she denied everything, but I went online and printed off our bank statements from January to the day I found out about the spending. Again she denied it, even though the proof was there into her in black and white. I was at my wits end and just about to lose my mind. I went to the doctors to ask for some meds to calm me down, my BP was 228/182, the doctor called and ambulance and I spent two days in hospital, I was never visited by anyone in those 2 days, even though she knew where I was.
When I returned home, I tried to talk to her while trying to remain calm and collected, she claimed that I'd told her she could spend the money, what rubbish, then she told me I was there when she was buying stuff, I refered to the bank statements and most of the days when the purchases were made, was on Saturdays, when she went out with our daughter, I never went. The more I tried to reason with her, the more nasty she got, leading up to October 21st, when I had the seizure. I had hospital visits and doctors appointments for the next 6 months as I had my licence revoked until I was deemed fit enough to drive again. I had to ask friends to take me for my appointments as she refused, but she was using my car all the time.
I got no presents or cards at chrismas and a month later, on my birthday, I got not cards. If this is the behaviour of a rational woman, I'm a 19 foot tall Chinese dwarf.

To this day, she denies spending the money or doing anything wrong, even though the proof is there.

I've been legally mugged.


OP posts:
barrygetamoveonplease · 30/06/2017 10:43

You've left.
You don't live with her.
You don't enter without her permission.
You don't have keys to the house where she lives without you.
All the 'past' stuff is rubbish, forget it. Focus on now.

MrsBertBibby · 30/06/2017 11:58

I'm sorry but if you hide cash in the house, in order to assist a builder on defrauding the revenue, you really have asked for it.

m0therofdragons · 30/06/2017 12:01

Just because she's treated you badly and you put up with it doesn't mean you get to walk in and out of the property. Get a solicitor and look at the options. It may be that you can downsize by selling the property but you'd need to split the equity. You were married so all money is family money.

I inherited a large sum so we built a conservatory, bought a car, saved some and had a family holiday in the States for 3 weeks. This isn't because I'm amazing and selfless it's just because I love my family and at no point did it even occur to me to spend it solely on me.

Clearly your ex's spending and deceit is different but your implication that you were going above and beyond re the loft conversion is really off - you were just doing the normal thing you would as part of a family. You may hold resentment which is clouding your judgment. Whether you own the property or not you can't be leaving then showing up when suits you messing around with your ex's mind not knowing when you might pop in for a fishing rod. No one would want to live like that and you could end up in trouble for harassment so be careful.

ElspethFlashman · 30/06/2017 12:03

If all you want is to get your items, then your kids can let you into the house one time only. They're old enough.

If you want to keep a set of keys so you can come and go at will - nope. Doesn't happen. No one on here would advise anyone to allow someone non resident to come and go at will. Even landlords have to ask permission!

glenthebattleostrich · 30/06/2017 12:08

I remember your previous thread. From your description you've been taken for a mug. Get a solicitor and get your stuff back. Then get an order in place to sell the house.

And just because you pay in cash doesn't mean tax is being avoided. I am paid in cash by some clients and use it as everyday money instead of going to a cashpoint, I still declare it on my tax return.

NellieFiveBellies · 30/06/2017 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 30/06/2017 12:13

If you bought the house with compensation money is it entirely in your name, or jointly owned with your wife?

If you own or jointly own it, I would book a locksmith and have the locks removed and replaced on the shed, garage and house. Hire a van and have your property removed asap, then give the keys back to your wife.

If you own the property you have every legal right to change the locks. I would never advocate doing this but locking you out and refusing to let you get your property for months it totally unreasonable.

Please think carefully about your options and get legal advice. If your wife gets the house you paid for, it may not go to your children if she mortgages or releases all the equity, so when she dies instead of having an inheritance they will get nothing.

Given how much she seems to have spent already, my priority would be to protect all marital assets for your children.

juanlegonly · 30/06/2017 13:21

I'd like to put a few items on the table here, we were not married, I asked her on several occasions to marry me, but she refused, citing, "it's just a piece of paper that we don't need."
the house is in joint names, but I paid for it from the wages I earned going into the joint account (which she never put any money into), yes, it's a joint account and the house is in both names, so I don't have the right to own it outright, it's a joint ownership. The house cannot be sold until the kids have finished education, but I'm not bothered about that, as long as the kids are OK. I've not seen the kids for a month, in fact, it's a month today.
Apart from knocking on the door and making phone calls to her (I've tried calling many times), she won't correspond with me, any letters get torn up and thrown in the bin as she'll recognise my writing. So, unless I engage a solicitor, nothing will change.
It's been a financial struggle for the 20 years, or I thought it was, many times we've been overdrawn and had to pay charges, while her accounts have remained bouyant, she could have transfered some money from her account to tide us over, but no. It's been kept hidden from me.
I wash going to pay cash to get a better deal, what the builder does is his own business, if he declares his earnings, it's nothing to do with me.
I have, to protect myself, severed joint tenancy, that way, if anything happens to me, she can't automatically claim my half, I've also made a will and she does not feature in any of it, but the kids do, obviously.
while I do feel bitter towards her, I do not wish her harm or anything the like, I'm very annoyed with myself, but a side effect of the seizure is memory loss, I've been diagnosed with "Global Amnesia", meaning, I cannot remember a lot of things prior to the episode I suffered, but also, future events, it's very scary, as anything that happens from now on, may not feature in my memory and recall.
What gets my goat the most though, is the fact, she will not admit to spending the money, I'm sorry if I sound like a stuck record, but she's done this more than once, her mother actually said to me, "if there's money, she find a way to spend it, I think your daft for getting involved and willing to put up with her", this is a direct quote, from her own mother.
Twice we'd planned to get the attic and roof done, twice she wasted the money. I'm at a total loss. While I agree with the reference to "doing everything you can for you family and home", but why should my son, miss out on having a bedroom that's functional, but, instead, has to sleep in a draughty cold loft, that's half full of crap that his mother has put in there? She's the one who is making his living conditions terrible. She is the one, who is putting his life at risk if there's a fire and he can't get out, there is a Velux window in the roof, that he can get out of, but after that, he's on a flat roof with no way down, had the money not been spent/wasted, there would have been a properly installed and authorised method of escape. The house would also have had a wired fire/smoke alarm system, so if there was a fire on the bottom floor, it would set the whole system off.
I'm signing off as I have to go to an appointment, but be honest, is her behaviour that of a rational person?

OP posts:
NellieFiveBellies · 30/06/2017 13:47

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