Son not wanting to go to his dads

[Misstiglet]

Me and my child's dad have been separated for 4 years. Ever since we have always had an arrangement that he lives with me and sees his dad twice a week and every other weekend. Now as my son is getting older, and he has recently become a brother, hes starting to not want to go to stay at his dads. He says he misses me, and that they don't do anything at weekends. On his dads weekends, he always goes in tears. I've tried talking to his dad, but he wont entertain the idea of letting me speak to my son over the weekend, even though my son asks to talk to me.

My son is 6 and i understand how important it is that he has a good relationship with his dad. But hes so reluctant to go sometimes, hes in floods of tears. And i'm not really sure what i can do about it. I've sent him with his favorite teddy and his tablet so he has something to do while he's there, but his dad seems reluctant to let him use it. He's not very co-operative with me and wont discuss any ways to help resolve the issue. He doesn't seem to reassure my son either and doesn't sympathize.

I'm considering suggesting that my son goes to stay with him 1 night a week instead of 2 nights, until hes happier being there again but i'm not sure on how this would go down.

Any advice welcome!

Your son's dad doesn't let you speak to him on the weekends he's there? I'm sorry, but he has no right to stop you from talking to your own child, and I'm not a bit surprised that your son doesn't want to go if that's the kind of thing that he's having to deal with. Is it time to get some professional advice, either therapeutic or legal? You can't let your ex go on controlling things like that to the detriment of your little boy's mental health, it's not ok. In fact, it's abusive, right?

Whoa, soory, just re-read - 2x a week AND every other weekend, and you can't talk to him? Urgent action needed, he's in the company of a controlling abusive parent for far too much time, sorry.

Yeah, he just says he's fine after 10 minutes but I can't really believe that. It's so sad. I think I'm going to have to look into getting some advice but not sure who to get it from? And when they start listening to children?

I'm not an expert but I think I might start off at Citizen's Advice, because they can always point you in the right direction and they're free. Maybe someone'll come along who's better informed than I am, but I think CAB never a bad place to start.
Presumably your current partner is aware of the problems? And on board with you doing something about it? A united front always helps, although of course your ex may be hostile if he thinks you have power in numbers.

He knows that our son doesn't want to go there, but I don't think he's willing to sort it out. It's a difficult situation. Will try there. Thanks you

Why don't you believe your son is fine after you've let?

Are you sure he's not just putting on a show for you, because your new baby has made him feel insecure?

I think mediation might assist communication between you and your ex.

MrsBertBibby Of course the child is feeling insecure after new sibling. Best way to deal with that is allow child to phone other parent for reassurance of their love during contact. Pretending it's not a problem is the worst thing you could do.

Because I've been told by my son, and he is very honest. It's worrying he gets worked up in the middle of the week before going. Please don't judge me for having concerns about my child. He adores his baby brother and we talk about him a lot, and no I don't think he's putting on a show. And if he's insecure about it then it's my job and his fathers job to reassure him. And that's not happening.

What in the world was judgmental about my post? I'm a family lawyer, and those are the first questions I'd ask any client presenting this kind of problem.

The fact that you think I'm judging you when I am merely asking you questions designed to get you to reflect on what might be drivng the behaviour you describe really makes me wonder whether you aren't in your heart fully aware that this is a problem you are making.

Go to mediation. Talk to your ex in that more formal setting. Don't assume you have greater insight into your child than his father does. His insight may bedifferent to yours, but it is just as valid.

I'm making a problem?! Seriously?! Well I'm sorry but this is not a problem I have made. There is clearly an issue with why my son does not want to go to his fathers at weekends. I came on her for helpful advice and not to be criticised by a family lawyer. Your "help" isnt really what I was after. I was trying to find some helpful ideas on how to solve my sons problem. And help him have a good relationship with his father. You have clearly got other opinions of me, based on a statement I have made. No I am not the problem, I'm trying to resolve a problem. Please take your opinions elsewhere.

"Any advice welcome"

MrsBertBibby you're a solicitor???
A very cynical one!

Not cynical, just very experienced.

Thank you. Yes any advice welcome apart from criticism from someone who clearly really hasn't read my post properly and someone who thinks it's ok to blame me for a problem, that clearly hasn't been caused by me. Your attitude and comments are probably the reason why many mothers won't go to your sort of people for help.

As a kid of divorced parents I used to get really upset seeing my dad and would come home in tears etc.

Naturally my mum thought i was having a horrid time. In the end I elected not to see my dad anymore.

Now with hindsight I can see that I was really struggling with all sorts of emotions.

I hated the fact my parents would play each other off against me and and even though perhaps they thought they weren't doing it on purpose I wasn't stupid and could feel the contempt they had for each other. I'd feel guilty whichever person I 'chose' in that moment.

Plus I'd get really upset saying goodbye to my dad. Like a homesickness type feeling. But I try and suppress it but of course it all came out at home and looked like I was crying about having been at my dads.

Deciding not to see my dad was basically the most straightforward thing I could do to cut out the hurt. Of course it had longer term damage but at the time it seemed like the best thing I could do to make it all stop.

I'm typing this now as although I have no way of knowing what your son is feeling about his dad and your split, maybe my experiences will give another side to the interpretation of how your son is acting.

What would have helped me at the time would be for my parents to have actually been nice to each other and to feel that I was free to see whoever I wanted without an agenda from the other parent. Also maybe someone to talk to about how I was feeling at the time would have helped me process and have a healthier attitude to my feelings.

Does your little boy talk to his Dad when he's with you?

We are very pleasant to each other, just when it comes to talking about our son he doesn't want to discuss it and just ignores the problems.

If he asks to talk to his dad, he is always allowed to that's always been the way.

Hi op. I share your concerns as I have 2 dds and am separated from their dad. I would suggest that you maybe attend mediation if his dad isn't willing to talk to you. I think an open communication line for your son to the other parent should always happen. Your son should always be able to phone or FaceTime the other parent. Does he have photos of you and new brother at his room at dads? Also does he have photos of dad at home? Again I think this would be a resssaurance.

I do agree with other posters though that your son is more than likely fine after you go. Kids do do that. My kids youngest used to do it about going into school and I'd have to walk away with her hanging off my arm. I'd look back through window and she would be fine. I also do thing a huge part of the change in the situation is the new dynamic at home. If parents live together and a new baby comes it is very hard for be older child to work out their place in he family and they do get jealous. Your son is possibly trying work out his place and then he has to go away so that is hard for him to understand. Older siblings do feel pushed out by a new baby so him having to go away would be even harder for him. As you say both you and his dad are responsible for reassuring him about this. This will take time and him getting a consistent message. I'm not sure reducing to one night is the answer.

Just my 2 pence worth on Misstiglet's issue. My OH is going through a divorce and his STBXW does her best to make handovers to their dad stressful, even though she swears she always does everything 'in their best interests'. She waits around, undermines him as best she can in front of them, sometimes she shouts at him, etc. What really gets to me is that she says to them as they get into the car to go 'don't worry baby, only 2 more sleeps then you can come back to me'.

As you can imagine, this is pretty horrible for their dad, not to mention what it does to them. Anyway... 10 mins after the handover- they've forgotten all about it (at least it seems that way), and they don't mention their mummy the whole weekend while they're having fun with their dad who loves them.

No doubt she tells her family and friends that it's horrible that the children have to spend time with him as they get so upset about it. I'm not saying you're doing this at all, but I have to agree with Mrs Bert Bibby that there are two sides to every story.

He will be struggling with emotions about his recently arrived sibling.

This is exactly not the time to change contact, but to work on dealing with his insecurities.

Re-evaluate in 6 months, after making sure you have done absolutely everything you can to ease hangovers and - possibly more important - deal with sibling rivalry in the round.

Not hangovers, hand-overs

DYAC