Exh's threats vs actions?

[lizzieoak]

I've been divorced for round about a decade and was married to the exh for 14 years (partly in the U.K., now not). The kids have always lived with me, one is grown up now, one still in school & at home.

Exh's income is quite high. Mine is not. I have health problems so can't work full-time permanent. He truly could easily live on his income (we live on less w more food to buy & a larger amount on shelter), but he's an alcoholic with a taste for expensive plonk (& eats out daily).

I bought the house from him to keep the kids' home - he pays child support & spousal support.

He's constantly threatening to withdraw spousal (it's court-ordered so he wants me to agree or go to court). So far he hasn't followed through on his threats.

I don't want to debate support, but wonder if anyone has a feel for how often men go through with these threats vs just enjoy threatening the ex? He was emotionally and physically abusive and generally an exhausting prat. If we had no support payments we'd lose the house (which I've lived in for over 20 years). My dad gave us the downpayment, but that was acknowledged in court so won't help me now (parents now dead).

I think most of the time it's bluster.

Would he seek legal advice? If so, they will set him straight

He claims he has, but I seriously struggle to see him paying for it. He's far too well-off to get it free. So if he has spoken to anyone it'll be some divorced guy in a pub, most likely.

He may have done a bit of net research (though that would be unusual for him), but not very thoroughly as he's convinced he'd win in a twinkling (mind you, he thought that in round one a decade ago).

It's just exhausting. We live here, it's our home, but buying him out has meant we do need support payments till the mortgage gets a bit lower. Rents are atrocious here so we could not rent cheaper.

He's sent another stroppy email telling me that on my salary I should not be living in this neighbourhood!

I'm just going to ignore, and I know he's just bullying/venting, but my lord it is stressful.

I think you're right Lizzie - he's just bullying you. If you still have a child at home and health problems I think he's got very little grounds to stop the payment. Especially if you can prove it will make you homeless. I believe the courts would be really reluctant to stop payment if they knew you and your child would become homeless. I'd ignore him. Let him stew.

Why not set up an auto out-of-office reply saying "I'm currently unavailable and will respond on my return..." Then go and have a nice glass of wine and put your feet up. Let the S**t stew for a bit. It sounds like he may be getting more worked up over this than you.

If I were you I'd block him. On everything. If he wants to take you to court he can, let the court send you a letter. These communications are bluster, as PP said court won't stop payments if you'll lose your house and there isn't good reason to stop them (I'm assuming his situation hasn't massively changed in the last ten years). Remember to keep his threats btw, if he does take you to court then it doesn't show him in a good light !

We wouldn't be homeless as I could buy a teeny flat, but it would be a massive change in circumstances. Where we live flats can be pricey to live in as I'd have to pay maintenance fees.

Ex's circumstances have only changed for the better (my pay is about the same but I'm sicker). He makes about £15000 more than when the court order was written. He has no gf or second family (gf finally got sick of his drinking & sponging money off her).

I'm hoping he's just venting (again!), but I hate the insecurity it brings on. My home means a lot to me and our son (& somewhat to our grown daughter).

Plus, as he's so stupid w money, I feel I'm the one they can rely on to inherit from. That means a lot to me so I'd like to keep the house for that reason too as it will keep its value better than a flat.

But mostly because it's a tiny fraction of his salary but a lot to us.

I don't believe the courts would make him pay less if it meant you would lose your home, the children's home. Surely if he goes to court then he will have to pay more, especially child maintenance. Isn't child maintenance a percentage of wage?
As I said before, I would personally block him so you don't have to listen to this, it's only worrying you and I doubt he'll take you to court! He would lose!
Sorry he's doing this op, you and your children deserve the stability he's trying to take away from you

Thanks :) He pays roughly the right child support (haven't had his tax forms this year), but he wants to stop spousal. CS is nowhere near what it costs to feed, clothe, house a kid so of course spousal goes in that basket. He appears to think spousal goes on frivolities for me, when in fact my life is pretty barren of monetary frivolities.

He sees our son once a week but has never taken him to a dentist appointment, dr's etc. He does not know who they are. He also has never known the names of the kids' teachers nor their friends'. I've done all the raising of the kids. So while I know spousal is meant to compensate for difference in earnings & lost earnings while raising kids, it also strikes me that some compensation should be due for being the parent who's always there. Who goes to school events, holds their hand when a crush is not reciprocated, nags them to study, gets up early to bake for their lunches, takes care of them when they're sick (exh has always cancelled if the kids had so much as a sniffle as he "doesn't want to catch it!").

I don't mind doing all that, I love being a mum. But I didn't expect to do it solo while under constant financial strain from someone who makes a good income.