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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Is "just" being un happy a good reason to separate? :(

25 replies

Vicky2929 · 22/05/2017 23:06

I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 6. I have 2 sons with him and my eldest son from a previous relationship.
In the last 4 ish years my dh has treated my eldest son very coldly and at times been down right mean to him. We've struggled back and forth, been to counselling and lots of promise of change that never happens. I resent my husband for this situation and I am fiercely protective of my eldest son. He is a good Dad and he is also a good man, which makes the difficult relationship with his step son even harder to understand :(

We are really lacking in intimacy which I find very hard, we don't talk much and I have lost all desire to confide or talk about anything with him anymore. We just bumble along, some tense periods, some happy, mostly just functional.

So is being un happy most of the time a good enough reason to leave?
How could I justify it to my children - oh Mum just feels a bit un happy so Dad has to leave.
I think about us separating a lot, looking at places I could live with the kids, what I could afford to do, whether my eldest son would be happier, would my other sons be un happy. What do I do if my husband won't work to make things better? I sometimes wonder whether he wants the same but isn't going to be the one who ends it.
I feel trapped and don't know what to do for the best for me and for the kids :(

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 22/05/2017 23:18

I would be more likely to leave if my child was unhappy than if I was. For me it was being repeatedly betrayed that did it, rather than unhappiness.

Smeaton · 22/05/2017 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Vicky2929 · 22/05/2017 23:31

I agree him making my eldest son un happy does feel like a good enough reason. Then I wonder if making the other 2 un happy justifies the cause.
I'm just afraid of making the wrong decision and the repercussions. The only thing I know for sure at the moment is a want more from life, I feel lonelier when I'm with him than when he's not around.

OP posts:

watchingitallagain · 22/05/2017 23:32

That's a pretty shitty situation you find yourself in.

I think like the poster above says, I'd be more inclined to leave for the sake of my kids happiness than my own. But is his problem your OH or would your eldest have issues with anyone you were with?

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 23:33

He isn't a good Dad or a good man OP. He's isolating your son by his behaviour towards him. In short he is a bully.

The best thing is to leave him.

You don't say "oh Mum felt a bit unhappy so left Dad"

You first talk to your eldest son and tell him that his step Dad's behaviour towards him is not good enough and it's not what YOU want...tell him that you can't respect a man who acts that way.

The younger kids...depends on their ages.

Original poster

Vicky2929 · 22/05/2017 23:35

No my son is very calm, well behaved and hasn't done anything to justify the treatment. In fact my husband has no idea what a nightmare child looks like!
My husband behaviour is cold, un loving and very negative. Doesn't make any conversation with him and is irritated by him. He isn't like that with the other 2, he looses his temper a little too quickly but is warm and loving. Which makes it all the worse for my eldest.
My eldest copes with it well and tells me he doesn't care anymore - which I know can't be true.

OP posts:

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 23:37

watching the OP didn't say her eldest had "issues" with his step Dad. She said the Step Dad is mean to her son!

In the last 4 ish years my dh has treated my eldest son very coldly and at times been down right mean to him

That's pretty clear to me!

I always remember seeing a couple at a bus stop. They were both white and they had their three kids with them. Their oldest son was black whilst the toddlers were white.

They all called the couple Mum and Dad.

The "Dad" was for the half hour we were there awful to the oldest boy. He pushed him away and said mean things to him. His face was a picture of DEVESTATION and the Mother...she just sat there like a stupid cow with this awful bland expression on her face while her son was picked on.

I wanted to shout at that man and to advise the Mother.

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 23:38

OP leave. Protect your son! How old is your oldest?

Original poster

Vicky2929 · 22/05/2017 23:38

I think because I've been over protective of my eldest I've created resentment. However the resentment is aimed at my son instead of me!

OP posts:

Original poster

Vicky2929 · 22/05/2017 23:40

Eldest is 13, middle 8 and youngest 2.
I do fiercely protect him and over the years this has made my husband worse if anything not better.
As I say we've been to counselling, I've told him it has to change or I will leave him, we make plans of how he can make in roads with my son, we've talked it to death. It just never turns into actions - or ones that last more than a few weeks and it breaks my heart all over again.

OP posts:

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 23:41

Your partner is not a child. He should be able to process your parenting style no matter HOW over protective. Without taking his babyish jealousy out on your child.

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 23:42

You should not HAVE to "fiercly protect him" OP. You should feel confident that everyone in the household loves him and wants the best for him.

Leave. What are your living arrangements? Do you rent or own?

Original poster

Vicky2929 · 22/05/2017 23:45

I used to step in all the time when he was trying to discipline him, take over etc
Mainly cause I disagreed with him! Which I know hasn't helped. So for the last few years I've tried really hard to give a united front and not comment in front of my son even if it half kills me.
They actually have very little interaction other than my husband telling him clean up, do this, do that, turn down your TV etc
They have 0 small talk, chat, warmth. It's not nice to be around and makes me tense.
I know while I feel like this I can never be happy with him cause it makes me hate him.

OP posts:

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 23:46

Is your son in touch with his bio dad?

Original poster

Vicky2929 · 22/05/2017 23:47

We rent, we have 4 months left on this lease and if I'm doing it I then I feel maybe now is the time.
I want some time apart to really work out how we all feel when he isn't around but practically because of child care arrangements, my job and where we live it would be very difficult to sort out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Vicky2929 · 22/05/2017 23:48

He has very little contact with his biological Dad. He has some mental health issues and I think the best they will ever have is friends when my son grows up as they just can't bond.

OP posts:

Original poster

Vicky2929 · 22/05/2017 23:52

I was a single parent with my eldest for 3 years, I'm not afraid of being on my own with my boys.
I'm afraid of making the wrong choice! I think the reality is I can't separate my feelings about my son from my feelings for my husband. While he treats him cold I won't ever be happy with him.
And so if I know that - then the decision is made really isn't it.
My best friend told me if I still love him then I should try to make it work :/

OP posts:

PippaFawcett · 23/05/2017 00:02

There is a thread in relationships that is very similar. Please leave. Your DS deserves better and all of your DC will be learning that this is acceptable behaviour and may copy it in future.

user1491572121 · 23/05/2017 00:55

You sound very strong OP....your best friend's advice was poor though. Some women would rather see their child bullied than face being alone unfortunately.

Original poster

Vicky2929 · 23/05/2017 16:48

Thank you for the advise xx

OP posts:

Hermonie2016 · 23/05/2017 21:58

I think you can't love your husband whilst he is rejecting your son.

I actually think you have very good reason to leave, the atmosphere in the family isn't positive and that won't be good for the other boys.
Your boys are golden boys and your eldest is the scapegoat.To help you make a decision why not see a counsellor and ask them for the impact on your children.It will give you the strength you need.

FedglingFTB · 23/05/2017 22:11

There was a similar dynamic between my M&D and bro. There were clearly relationship issues before my brother arrived but I think as a fellow male when he got older my dad saw DB as a threat and equally my mum leant on him for male support that was lacking from my dad. He became a piggy in the middle and even after the split it still affects their relationship even now. It's very unfair on the child, I wouldn't have handled it as well as my brother has if I'd been the recipient.

Original poster

Vicky2929 · 24/05/2017 11:41

I've decided that after half term I'm going to ask him to move out for a while. I can't un tangle all my feelings while he's here, can't work out how the kids will react, how I really feel about him. I'm hoping this will give me some perspective once I'm out of the day to day viscous circle we are in!

OP posts:

Hermonie2016 · 27/05/2017 22:34

Good step forward.Your h has a choice how to behave so it's up to him if the relationship survives.

jojo2916 · 02/06/2017 07:41

If you have jumped down his throat in the past when he's tried to disclipine your eldest but allowed him to parent his own kids this may have caused some of the problem. That's not to blame you and it doesn't make what your h is doing ok but if the father is not in your eldest's life very much allowing your partner the autonomy to parent him can allow for a close bond. Of course if you feel he is wrong at any point in his parenting stick up for any of your 3 boys but reacting differently ie more protective and allowing him less say over one child than the others is not going to help him see him as his responsibility. That's not to say you are wrong to want to leave as your h doesn't sound very nice but my partner treats my children completely as his own but I have allowed him to parent them iyswim. If I had allowed him to parent his biological children but been more protective over the others I do think this would negatively affect the strength of their bond. That being said if I didn't agree with his parenting of any of the children I would of course stick up for the children but that wouldn't be swayed depending on whether they are biologically his. I should say my kids bio dad is not in the picture which probably changes the dynamic a lot and has meant my partner has been able to take on my children as his own. To be honest it sounds like your h behaviour is unacceptable in any case and your children will benefit from you being happy so if you need to end it you will be ok, you sound strong.

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