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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

AIBU to fear EXH's level of responsibility?

23 replies

Norky1975 · 22/05/2017 19:32

We separated in 2011 due to his constant abuse of drugs and alcohol, his unreliability and general shit husbandness.
He stopped all alcohol and substances a week after I left, and has been clean and sober ever since. He has a girlfriend who is also in recovery.
Our DD is nearly 10, this morning he tells me he wants to take her on a foreign holiday in summer 2018 with his GF and her son.
Frankly I'm terrified.
In a lot of ways he's still an arsehole, he's just not drunk or high with it. I let him take her camping for a few days about 18 months ago - she came back with a mouth full of ulcers and said she'd had nothing proper to eat the whole time.
He can be very forceful and will try to make me feel like I'm being over protective.
I'd love to hear any similar situations or advice please xx

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Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 22/05/2017 19:34

Oh dear I fear you may not get her passport in time. .
Don't let him fill her head with frivolous promises if he can't be a decent every day df.

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Norky1975 · 22/05/2017 19:35

She has a passport already

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kittybiscuits · 22/05/2017 19:36

Oh. I thought you said you'd lost It?

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AliceTown · 22/05/2017 19:37

How did she get all the ulcers?
What does "nothing proper" mean? What did she eat?

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Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 22/05/2017 19:38

Maybe the washing machine will eat it before then?

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Norky1975 · 22/05/2017 19:40

Ah I see!

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Norky1975 · 22/05/2017 19:40

She said she had pizza, biscuits, chips and toast

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AliceTown · 22/05/2017 19:43

Meh. It was a holiday. A week of crappy food doesn't matter. Lots of people eat trash while camping.

You didn't say how she got the ulcers.

Does your DD regularly spend time with her dad?

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MVLipwig · 22/05/2017 19:44

While on a camping holiday that isn't that dreadful a diet, it is a holiday.

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Norky1975 · 22/05/2017 19:46

She sees and speaks to him regularly- I'm struggling with how irresponsible and uninterested he was in her while we were together.

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AliceTown · 22/05/2017 19:49

That was 6 years ago. Does she stay overnight?

I think it's fine to be anxious. I have shared care with my ex and he's a great dad and I still hate it when my kids are away. There's nothing you've said here that would justify purposely "losing" a passport though really.

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Norky1975 · 22/05/2017 19:50

She does stay over maybe once a month - I don't even like that.

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AliceTown · 22/05/2017 19:53

Why so little? Your choice? His? Hers?

Perhaps building that up a bit would help you feel more confident about her being away for bigger chunks of time?

I can see where you're coming from - he was clearly a rubbish partner and father back then, but being clean and sober for 6 years is good.

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Norky1975 · 22/05/2017 19:57

We don't have a formal arrangement with access - we never have.

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AliceTown · 22/05/2017 19:58

Okay, but that doesn't really answer my question Would he like to have her more often/regularly?

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Norky1975 · 22/05/2017 20:03

He's never, ever asked.

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Hermonie2016 · 22/05/2017 20:08

She will be 11 so a reasonable time for her to go if she wants to.Try to take your feelings out of it and see it as a positive for her.When she's older it is important for her self esteem that she knows her dad wants to spend time with her
I guess she will have a phone then so it will be reassuring.

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AliceTown · 22/05/2017 20:09

That's a bit rubbish then.
I'd would probably work on increasing the amount of time she spends with him regularly if possible but if not I'm sure she'd manage okay. It's still a year away too so plenty of time for plans to change

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/05/2017 20:15

He's winding you up. We are not even half way through 2017 never mind worrying about summer 2018.

I'd either ignore the question or say "That's a nice offer. Let's discuss closer to the time."

His new gf could have dumped his abusive arse by then or he could have let contact dribble to nothing or 11yo DD might decide she doesn't want to go.

No point getting all wound up. You are giving him what he wants.

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AliceTown · 22/05/2017 20:19

That's a bit of a leap, Run. I don't think the Op said how long they've been together. It's normal to book now for next summer. Perhaps "what he wants" is just to take his daughter on holiday? Who knows. My father was pretty useless, I barely saw him but for a couple of holidays a year. I loved them and it meant we had a relationship that we wouldn't have otherwise had.

I don't think it's worth getting wound up over.

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childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 22/05/2017 20:31

Normally I come onto these threads ready to be really supportive and sympathising about rubbish ex but not this time. He may not be a nice person but he has been clean for some time and stable. Well done him! Sounds like he's moved on but in a good way.

You sound very controlling. Your DD would be unlikely to have develped ulcers from the food you describe for a week's holiday. Perhaps you stressed her out so much before she went? Please let your DD have a proper relationship with her dad. If HE lets HER down she is nearly old enough to decide anyway.

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Norky1975 · 22/05/2017 20:32

You didn't live it!

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AliceTown · 22/05/2017 20:40

Norky you said yourself he has made a significant change...

I'm sure it was awful. But it was 6 years ago and he's clean and sober now. If there are current concerns then that's one thing but pizza and chips on a camping holiday doesn't really justify this level of anxiety really.

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