Access after separating

[misswhatdoto2]

Stbxh and I have house on market at the moment and will be getting our own places when sold. He works in retail so odd hours. Have provisionally agreed that he will pay £100 pw as maintenance for the children. He has now been saying that if he has them 3 nights per week then he techically won't need to pay anything/minimal as will be shared custody. The problem i have is that due to his work schedule he would like to collect them from childminders on a Tuesday (they eat tea there) and then have them stay that night, take them to school on Wednesday and collect and then take to school on Thursday where childminder collects. He is then saying have them (or possibly just ds) on a Friday night so he can take him to football training on a Saturday morning and then dropping back to me after football as he goes to work.
I've not got a problem with them staying and seeing their dad but feel I'm going to be taken for a mug. On the maintenance calculators it's all about how many nights they stay away but how can that be fair?
He will have to provide 1 (possibly 2 depending on Friday night) evening meals and 3 breakfasts and nothing else as dc will be at school. I on the other hand will have them all weekend plus friends parties/playdates etc.
Aibu to to feel this is unfair? It's more to do with the fact I know he will do anything to not pay anything/minimum if he can help it.

I'm sure someone will come along with more accurate information . I was under the impression that two to three nights a week was not 50 /50?

I don't know the ins and out but can only give my own experience with DH and his arrangements.

He still pays maintenance on a 2/3 over nights per week arrangement. He does pay above calculator recommended minimum ( as per his choice) but even if your STBXH paid the minimum you would be entitled to something?

Hope you find an agreement that is best for the children ( and all of you)

Well if he is planning on having a 50/50 arrangement that means he has to pay for half of childcare (sounds like he has decided he is responsible for Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday childcare fees) uniforms, shoes, school trips, hair cuts, hobbies. He will also be responsible for half of the holidays and if the childminder is sick on his days then it will be his responsibility to find alternative care or take the day off work himself.

If you agree to 50/50 then make it clear to him that the above is non-negotiable and will be agreed in writing and signed by him. He may not be so keen on 50/50 when he realises that it actually means doing 50% of everything.

And no he doesn't get to decide to just have one child at the weekend. He has them all.

Do you thing that the access schedule he is offering is in your DC's best interests? It looks like they will be spending very little time actually with their dad - they'll be at school/with childminder/sleeping for the vast majority of it.

Also it doesn't enable you to have time to yourself at weekends.

If he's free to take DS to football inn. A Saturday then surely he's free to have all the DC EOW or for half of each weekend or whatever?

Ultimately though if you decide the days he suggests are the best thing then he is responsible for childminder fees for those days, and for looking after the DC if they are too ill for school or in childminder's holidays.

Also I think his suggested schedule is too much chopping and changing between houses. Sat-Mon night with you. Tuesday-Wednesday night with dad. Thursday night with you. Friday night with Dad. Sounds like a logistical nightmare.

I knew some one would be more knowledgeable than me.

Thanks for your replies. It's nice to know I'm not just over thinking things here! It's obviously all very raw at the moment so worried about being seen as the 'bad guy' when I don't fall in with his schedule.

I also felt bad for considering it unfair that I didn't actually get any proper time to myself apart from 2 weekday evenings where I have to work next day anyway.

I think if he starts trying to reduce his money (which he's told me is his aim! ) then I will consider the night he has them is his day and therefore responsible for cm costs that day.

Get legal advice! It's good to discuss this between yourselves and the more you can decide/agree/iron out between you, the better, but do please go and see a solicitor and make sure it IS fair and that you're not going to be shafted. If you think he's going to be an arse about financial provision for the DC this is doubly important.

TBH I wouldn't wait around for him to start reducing money for you to "consider" it his day. That's all too open to abuse from him. It's too wushu washy "we'll see what happens." If you want to know where stand don't wait to be told, you tell him what is happening and it's up to him to either agree or come up with a new plan. Don't let him just start paying you less. That's not how it works. You get a say in this!

Based on 2 nights a week he should be paying approx £88 pw so £100 is more than legally has to. I have already told him that my calculations/ budget are based on him giving this money so he will have to give me plenty of prior warning. I've also asked for him to pay the money direct to me (as apposed to cm as his money is around 3/4 of cm costs) so I have control and budget for all monies coming into and out of household