Your best advice/what should I think about?

[Itsgonnabealright]

I'm thinking very seriously about filing for divorce from my H of 12 years. Filed 4 yrs ago due to adultery but after separation and counselling we gave it another go. Pretty sure I have ground for unreasonable behaviour (excessive drinking, failure to engage in any communication about issues in marriage etc).

3 DC between 6-12, I've been a SAHM most of the time apart from 2.5 y when I worked part time. He is senior banker on v high income. Renting our house, don't own other than a holiday home abroad.

I feel very dependent and financially vulnerable. Don't mind going back to work part time but he works all the time and travels so the day to day drop off/pick upp, holiday care is all down to me. Whilst we could pay a nanny I feel strongly that one parent should be around for the children.

Those of you who have been in similar situations, please let me know what to consider, mistakes not to do. How do I choose the right lawyer? Don't want to waste money.

It feels like this horrible, unimaginably difficult task to start that will make everyone miserable for years...

I would recommend visiting a few solicitors.Over a period of time I saw 4 solicitors and felt I made the right choice when I met my solicitor.

You need to feel comfortable from a legal and empathy perspective as it's a time of great vulnerability.

Do you have assets? Such as savings or shares and do you have access to this information? Worth getting this before seeing solicitors.

Generally the law tries to ensure the children's needs are met, so that is housing for you and ex.If his income is high enough to provide for 2 houses then it's obviously easier.
Your age is relevant and likelihood of returning to work.Courts like to see women making an effort to return to work but are realistic about earning potential given age, years at home and age of children.

Create a budget for single life, see what you could earn and add in tax credits, child benefits etc.Your ex would be asked to contribute csa, if he earns over a threshold you could apply to court for additional payments.Spousal Maintenance is often payable where there is a major disparity in income.It could be fixed for a period of time but often til children's Uni age.Again your age is highly relevant (so is his) if you are 30 then you could expect to be on your feet financially earlier than if you were 50.

Pensions as that is something to consider..do you have a pension?

There is no fixed formulae and each case very different.Generally couples agree finances (if amciable) and if not an individual judge decides on a split given the financial info he has in front of him.
Get access to finances now if you suspect your ex might not be reasonable.

It's not a pleasant process if your ex is not amicable but I was walking on eggshells and very unhappy (with no chance of improvement) so whilst it's painful and costly I can see it's a transition that will have an end.
My dc s are doing ok, I am sad for them but equally I was not in a good place whilst living with ex.

Sadly in my case he's been extremely hostile (hiding income, spending assets) so it's going to court but I'm accepting of it as a necessary step.

Thank you, that's very helpful. Well done for standing up for yourself and going through with a difficult process.

Even though I'm pretty sure that it will be better for me in the long run, I waver a lot about whether I have the strength to go through with it. My H will never leave, no matter how miserable we both are. Guess he has a lot to lose as well, both in terms of access to the children and finances. Whilst I am supporting of sharing the care for the DC, his work schedule is such that he could really only commit to every other weekend.

It is very unusual for a banker with children not to have bought a house. Has his spare mnoey been hidden abroad? Do you have access to bank statements, P60s, pension details, credit card details, savings, shares and other family assets (if any)?

Yes I know, it is unusual, we live in a very expensive rental instead. Mainly because he worked through the banking crisis he didn't want the risk of a huge mortgage. We have a joint account and I know exactly how much he makes. I guess it's possible for him to have put money somewhere off shore but I doubt it. We have invested in property abroad though - in joint names.