Here's my situation, after being spat at and verbally abused for not bringing H up a cup of tea, I decided that this was the last time he was ever going to do something like that to me again.
I have two children 14 and 9. My H and I have not slept in the same bedroom for over a year. The reason at first was he was undergoing treatment for HCV and he needed to sleep alone. He came off treatment in April last year and was given the all clear. Did this give him an epiphany moment, Like "I'm blind and now I can see" - NO - still miserable, negative as he has always been, picking on the smallest of things having me running around in circles and treading on eggshells. Did he act like he'd been given a second chance after having this virus hanging over his head for the past ten years - not at all. Took our children on a holiday as I way of saying thank you to them for enduring with their Dad the most awful 48 weeks of HCV treatment. It was meant to be a holiday of a lifetime, he moaned all the way. Put a dampener on every day and even hit me full on in the face towards the end of the holiday. No apologies as usual, all my fault, as usual.
We have remained in separate bedrooms.
I did love him once but any love I did have has been killed by his narc behaviour, he has quite literally sucked the joy out of our relationship I have given him 19 years of my life and I do not want to give him any more. I am 47 probably have 20 good years left and I want to spend them in peace and in happiness.
I have told narc this, "I am going to ruin the children's lives" I actually think seeing a daddy hit mummy is more traumatic than separating from him and his behaviour. "I wont be able to cope with our son when he enters into his teenage years" - I have a good relationship with my son and actually think with his dad out of the equation on a daily basis will improve" I am the major breadwinner in the house and I earn 2 times more than him. I know I can stand on my own two feet financially. He is asking for 50% equity in the house, roughly £50k. I could probably raise £30k now and the rest in a year to 18 months. I am hoping that he will eventually accept, I don't really want to be forced to sell the house. I don't want maintenance from him so I was hoping that this deal would appeal to him. He is basically refusing to move out unless he gets his "fifty grand". And then he goes from ranting to being "utterly charming" helping do the kids lunches, picking the youngest up from school, trying to hug me or worst trying to get me into bed. I feel like I am going insane. It is like he hasn't even heard me or a word I have said over the last two weeks. Like this little rebellion of mine will go away and I'll go back to thinking about fluffy bunnies instead !!
I am not stupid I know this charm offensive will not last but again it will be my fault for rejecting or not supporting his attempts to change and woo me back. That I am being selfish. How he can say this when I have been selfless to the point of downright stupid over the years, forgetting, papering over the cracks but not necessarily forgiving. Supporting him through his illness, periods of unemployment. Throwing myself into motherhood to distract myself from the loneliness and sham that is my marriage. Only be treated with disdain, to be put down, humiliated in front of my children, family and friends when something wen t wrong or when things aren't done to his standard.
The final insult is that it has taken me all my courage and strength to tell him how I feel, how I don't love him, how I don't see a future with him, how I want to be on my own and he doesn't seem to want to take any notice. All he seems to be worried about is that he will end up in a one bedroomed flat and I will stay in the house. Honestly if I didn't have kids I would happily sell the bloody house just to get away but I want to give them some kind of stability and don't feel I should be made to feel guilty about it. I'm not keeping it for me, I'm keeping it for them but he doesn't see it that way. Instead of accepting and dealing with a way forward in a grown up fashion to avoid having to drag the kids into the drama he seems unwilling to even approach the subject, forcing me to and running the risk of further arguments and demands.
I suppose what I want to know is how do I get him out?
Can he legally sit tight and wait for his money?
Do I have to give him his full share in order for him to go?
Could he force me to see the house? I suppose this could take even longer for him to get his money.
Sorry if this thread is a bit like verbal Diarrhoea, there's just so much to say thing about, I don't think I am even thinking straight