I am posting on behalf of my dear friend, who is in need of advice but too overwhelmed by recent events to start using MN (and I am worried about her stbxh tracking her online activity). I am a long-term poster, for what it's worth, albeit only 6 months or so into this username. My friend (F) will be able to read the thread, and may eventually pluck up the courage to comment, so it would be great if anyone feels able to advise.
I'll try to give as much non-identifying information as possible, and avoid drip-feeding.
F and H have been married for what is, in legal terms, long enough to be a 'long-term marriage', two young school-age DC. Several years of increasing and intensifying coercive control, financial and emotional abuse culminated in a violent assault recently. Police involved, but as her husband (H) claims F assaulted him first (not true), there will be no prosecution, as it is his word against hers. Having spent the night in the cells, H has moved out and is staying with a friend in a bachelor house share indefinitely, while F is in family home with DCs, after H was advised by police to leave temporarily. H is without remorse and refusing to acknowledge any wrong-doing.
F's concerns are:
a) contact with DC -how can / should this be managed in a situation where there has been abuse and what amounts to a very serious and brutal assault on F? For the last couple of weeks since the assault, H has had contact with DCs at the family home under supervision by a family member at agreed times, including a whole weekend, during which F had to vacate the family home so that H could have an extended period of contact there. H is staying in a bachelor house share, so inappropriate to bring DCs there. F wants to insist that H rents more appropriate accommodation, preferably independently, so that contact can happen there, as he continues to exert control as long as he has access to where she is living.
How should she proceed with contact arrangements?
b) custody of children -since DC, F has been breadwinner as H has refused to work for long periods, turning down work (think highly remunerated consultancy in very niche field) and styling himself as a SAHD (not by agreement, just because that's the nature of coercive control, I guess), forcing F to return to work after minimal maternity leave (despite F working in a profession with excellent maternity terms) in order to pay for everything. H has previously threatened that he would get custody of DCs, should F ever try to leave, on account of being SAHD. H has done a pretty shoddy job of SAHDing, and F is worried about him being able to claim he has been main care-giver and therefore gaining custody. H has been working p/t since youngest DC started school, but keeping separate and secret accounts, not actively contributing to shared costs.
c) Division of marital assets -there are three properties involved: the family home which is mortgaged, F's house from prior to marriage which is owned outright, and H's house from prior to marriage which has a large mortgage on it, currently let. F has sought legal advice concerning marital assets and financial arrangements, and has been told that she is liable to pay spousal maintenance to H (despite H's earning potential far exceeding hers, and that he has been working for the last 6 months, but choosing to work p/t), that he will have a claim on her pension and that division of assets will be 50:50 as a starting point, meaning F having to give him half of the value of the family home, half of the value of her own paid-for house, and be liable for half of the mortgage debt on H's own house. It seems bananas to me, so unfair on F! How do these things actually play out?
F is quite rightly terrified of her H, and is beginning to acknowledge just how far-reaching H's manipulation, control strategies and surveillance techniques have been, very sinister and to my mind bordering on the sadistic and criminally insane. She has kept a log of sorts of evidence of CC / EA, and now there is of course a logged record of physical violence with her GP. She is struggling with wanting to appease him, to have him 'on side' in order to avoid him getting nasty (-ier) and needing to set some clear boundaries and wondering how to do so effectively, while knowing it might make things a lot worse.
What should be her next course of action? Any advice or personal experience very welcome.