My feed

to access all these features

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.


Any advice I am going around in circles..

7 replies

sunshine20092011 · 02/02/2017 00:01

This is the first time that I have ever posted anything like this but 1: I feel like I need I get everything off my chest as it is spinning around in my head and i seem to get nowhere with knowing what to do 2: I would really appreciate any advice that you can give me!

My husband and I have been together since we were very young (we met at school!) we have 2 young children 5&7 and both work full time so things are pretty hectic as I'm sure many of you know!

Around 10 years ago one of my husbands close friends died...I'm not sure sure if this kick started things or whether he had issues beforehand and I only became aware after this but it started a real downward spiral for us.

I found out he had been having an affair the day I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. He said It was completely over etc and we decided to stay together. Since then I have found out about quite a few flings he has had between then and now including another when I was heavily pregnant with baby number 2 :-( I do have to say after a couple of his affairs my head was turned by one or two people who I did briefly text etc but nothing physical which I do know was wrong. All of which he knows about and all
Of which are completely over. Work did provide counselling for him after the death of his friend who also worked with him and they also provided counselling after the first affair he had for him. I have never been.

He has always been a heavy drinker sometimes drinking at strange times of the day. He works shifts so has always explained it as e.g when he comes in off night shift in the morning that is his evening. He hasn't done this morning drinking since we have had children.
Around 3 years ago he had a year where he would drink very heavily for a week or so (as in forgetting to pick the children up from school,on occasions picked children up when I k ow he would be over the limit I have only found out once I have gotten home from work, falling asleep after drinking whilst supposed to be looking after children) he would do this for a week and then not for a few weeks and I wold
Be forever waiting for it to happen again.
About a year ago these bursts of drink binging became longer and every set of days off would be filled with the above to the point where my mum or his mum have to check he is fit before school
Runs every day. It makes me so cross that he does not do this or drink to this extreme on his days at work to risk his job but would risk his family 😁

Just before Christmas we had a particularly bad time with his drinking where on a few occasions he shouted at me and threatened me in front of the children. He also told the children things like mummy is leaving to be with a boyfriend because she doesn't love us anymore etc he has also pushed me, chased me out of the house, pinned me to the ground and put his hands around my neck. Thank goodness the children haven't seen this but they do pick up on the tension eg my little girl said 'shall I pack us a bag to go
To nannies one night when e was shouting And my little boy looked at some photos a while back and said I wish daddy was like that again and smiley.
He has been to Drs and he is on anti depressants. He has tried aa support groups twice but says there not for him 😁

I am currently living at my mums with the children and take them to see him each day, sometimes if I am certain he hasn't drunk:breathalyser him I have put the children to bed at home with him and left them and gone back before they have woken up....they miss being at home.

A couple of weeks ago he said he was feeling down and sent me a picture of himself threatening to take his own life. I don't know what to do....I swing from feeling sorry for him, to hating him, to still loving him when he is being like his old self on a good day, for example he hasn't drank for the last two weeks, he's started decorating the house, done food shopping etc which he never does it's always me and when he is not drunk or down he is literally the best daddy everyone who doesn't know the back story always comments on that.

Anyone got any words of advice? Been in a similar situation? I don't really know what I'm asking but feels Lot better already talking about it and getting it off my chest! Thank you xxxxx

OP posts:
anklebitersmum · 02/02/2017 00:17

Leave. Get out, stay out and don't go back.

Hands around your neck are a HUGE indicator of serious future harm as is the emotional blackmail of threatening to self harm if you don't comply with his wishes.

Do not leave your children alone with him whether you think he's had a drink or not.

Please, please seek professional help for yourself via your GP or a woman's wellbeing group.


TiredAndRavenous · 02/02/2017 00:37

As said previously, stop leaving the children with him alone. He's obviously ill, what if he decides to have a drink when the kids are upstairs in bed, you have returned to your mums, he starts feeling sorry for himself & threatens to hurt the children? You need to put them first

sunshine20092011 · 02/02/2017 00:54

Thank you so much for your replies. I know he is sick and that's why j feel so sorry or him. This is not him at all. The problem days with his drinking are when he is on his days off midweek and I have to be at work however when I am off eg at the weekend/school
Hols and can keep an eye on him he doesn't drink and we have the most wonderful family times. This is why j also confused about everything I feel like I need to help him but at the same time I have myself and my children to think about and feel that he is selfish to put us through this even though I know deep down it is an illness I just find it all so selfish :-( I am absolutely certain he would never ever hurt the children he absolutely adores them but I do take notice of your advice and thank you so much for replying, I really do appreciate it xxxxxxx

OP posts:
anklebitersmum · 02/02/2017 01:12

Seek out some help sunshine.

It's not OK for you and especially the children to be in the situation you describe.

I understand that you still care for him and it's hard to be tough but you need to be for the sake of your children.

If you were watching another woman being chased, floored and strangled would you think that was OK? The verbal abuse your OH aims at you via the children is abusive. To them as much as you.

Stay safe, stay strong and more than anything else stay at your Mum's.

TiredAndRavenous · 02/02/2017 08:34

If you were my mum, I wouldn't want you going near him alone (at all really) until he gets help. You don't deserve to be hurt and abused because he's not well :(

Please look after yourselves and babies x

I hope you manage to find a fix Flowers

sunshine20092011 · 02/02/2017 20:53

Thank you for your replies x

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 03/02/2017 17:50

He is an alcoholic and until he admits that you will have this cycle.

It is damaging for the children to be around him and like you they will learn to walk on eggshells.
I have found alcoholics are selfish and unpredictable and there is nothing you can do to change him or even support him.

He has to do the work but even high profile celebrities with drink issues who get help still struggle to remain sober.
It's an awful addiction and it brings down everyone who is around the alcoholic.

I think you have to leave him, if in 2 years he's clean then fine but you need to leave as there will be damage to you and your children.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.