Husband wants a 'break'

[Jenjane1]

I'm new to this but I just need some advise and maybe just somewhere to vent....
My husband and I have been together 7 years and our 4 year wedding anniversary is next week and on Friday he told me that he wants a break and some time to clear his head. This came as a complete shock to me as I thought we had been getting on completely fine. It hasnt always been plain sailing, we have had 2 occasions similar to this where he has said he doesn't know what he wants. The same time every year actually!! But this past year we haven't had any arguments and I thought we had gotten past any of his previous issues.

He has basically said it boils down to the fact that we don't have a 'foundation'. I fell pregnant our first daughter 3 months into our relationship. I wasn't a very nice person when I was pregnant I couldnt bare him near me. But we got through that after my hormones settled and we were happy together. I am his first proper sexual relationship aswell. We got married and everything was perfect. I got extremely broody and we had our 2nd 2 years ago. Something that I know I pushed more than I should have. I know now that we should have put the time and care into our marriage and not added more pressure. My pregnancy was awful he was horrible to me and acted resentful towards me. He was getting a bit too close to a female PT down the gym which caused a lot of upset. I then suffered with PND after having DS2. It was all a tough time on the both of us, he's been in and out of jobs unhappy with himself and where his life was going.

Last year we had a brief separation and both ended up back together agreeing on some changes.

I've been as supportive as any wife could be,he's quite a self centred person very In to his own image, down the gym every night and is pretty tunnel visioned but I have accepted these things -noone is perfect. Our son is a very tricky 2 year old, extremely clingy and screams the night away and has done for 2 years.
Anyway I'm rambling. As it stands he's explained to me that we have never had time for just the 2 of us and he's not unsure whether we r together for the children or for us. There's something he feels that isn't right. He says we have lost a sexual connection and doesn't know how to get it back. He says he loves me, fancies me but just doesn't know where to go from here. He's currently in training for the police so staying away and isn't back until next weekend. I don't know how to play this. I have respected he needs space and I'm am trying so hard to focus on me and the kids. I am willing to to whatever it takes but when I asked him if he wants to sleep with other woman he said he didn't want to sleep with loads of people he just wants that connection.

I just feel so anxious not knowing what he really wants and I don't really think he kows himself.
Anyone had a similar situation?

The best way to 'save' a relationship like this is to show you can stand up on your own two feet.
the problem is, once you've done that and proven that to yourself too, you are likely to NOT want te relationship anyway.

The 5 months wait is leaving me tbh. 5 months until the end of his training? Why? What s going on there that makes it so hard for him to be with you?
Also about not feeling the connexion. Connexion is like love. ITs a verb. Its something you do rather than something you feel. If he wants connexion, he needs to step up and start connecting with you and the dcs. Its not going to happen all on its own.
Maybe its the fact your are his first relationship and he has no idea that relationships need work.
Maybe he is resentful to have missed the opportunity of having some fun time just the two of you, wo dcs (esp if he hasn't had any opportunity to do so before).
but whatever the issue, this is his to resolve and there inst a lot you can do. Bar learning to stand up on our own two feet.

I shouldn't be okay with him prioritising other things but I think it's something I've become used to. And thought that maybe this was just a particular 'fault' in our relationship. He feels like we haven't ever had time to focus on the 2 of us haven't done many couple things like u usually do before babies. I try to not feel guilty for how our life has gone because he has agreed to everything. But is now blaming me for it.
I think the 5 months are because his training lasts that long so he can be away from me and the kids without feeling specifically guilty about it. The first week he was there we argued alot over the phone because he wasn't contacting the kids atall and going to the gym before their bed time knowing that when he eventually rang they would be in bed. And his excuse was that it was his 'job' now to be physically fit and that was priority. Also he had to give this girl a lift home on the way but her parents invited him in for a tea, he ended up staying there for 2 hours not getting home until 10pm after being away all week. DS1 had stayed up waiting for him to get home. It was all really upsetting. But he said that him not being bothered about doing that showed that there was an issue between us. When he says he has to stay there this weekend to revise for an exam on Monday I don't believe that now and assume he will be spending time and having fun with whoever.

user1477282676
I didn't mean it as in to do it FOR him lol no way! I meant it as more of a way to make her feel better as I got the sense that she's the one doing the 'chasing'. I've been there, done that. It always seems like it's when you kind of move on and they see that and see you looking good that they want you again. And it's at that point that you twirl and say no too late.

Being a shite boyfriend is one thing but being a shite dad. Do you know what...tell him to fuck right off!

Your last post is especially suspicious - giving a girl a lift and going in for tea?

And not coming home this weekend, when he could?

Bullshit

I have had experience of this twice OP. Neither ended well. It seems to me that when a man says he wants a break,and time to clear his head,he is ultimately looking for a way out. This is the 'let you down gently' method. Sorry if I sound pessimistic,but IMO if you are happy and committed to a relationship,you shouldn't feel the need to 'have a break'.

I know. He hasn't wanted to be home coz he said he's been pretending everything is okay when it's not been. Then says that he cried the other night because he's not been sure if he's doing the right thing. The girl issue got dropped because he then told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. He had said that she was 18 and he's almost 10 years older than her he just went to be polite but I had r3ad the messages they were sending each other in the week and she was flirting like a gooden and he had asked her round to watch a film. In his little dorm room. Where he has to 'revise' so much he can't even come home at the weekend. But apparently he was just being polite then too. I spose all thelse things are consequential because he's already established that his feelings for me aren't what they should be. I'm just sad that he can't see that a relationship takes effort on both parts. My boiler has broken and now I'm sad and freezing to go on top!!

He is saying going down the gym is "his job" and he will go every day to the detriment of anything or anyone else.

He can't be bothered to come home to see you or your kids in the evenings and now at the weekend.

He blames you for the way your lives have gone and is pushing you to feel guilty.

He is flirting and spending alone time with another woman doing god knows what.

He says he doesn't want to be with you anymore.

Your ds1 is now at an age to see the behaviour.

Honestly sweetie. Do you want to give him 5 months? I really think some self esteem is in order. I know upthread I did say that it would be your choice if you did allow him this. And of course it's absolutely you're choice. That said, the more you post, the more you reveal just how much of an arrogant, self centred twat he is.

And is this the role model, you'd like to teach your children? What would you say to them if their partners treated them like this? Or if they treated their partners or children so appallingly?

You will do yourself a huge favour when you accept that he is just a fucking massive liar