Unsupportive Friends

[LatteDa]

So 2017 is going to be make of break for me & DH, I have posted a few times on MN for support & advice.

What I want to know is how much support from friends did you get & did you have any friends who disappointed you by perhaps being judgey, or minimalising behaviour, defending OH's, coming up with simplistic solutions, having put up & shut up type attitudes.

If so what did you do & how did you deal?

Anyone?

(have also name changed for this)

I don't know your situation and I have never had a divorce but I've had a long term relationship end.

All of our friends were mutual and the majority of our male friends stopped talking to me, called me a bitch to anyone who would listen. They were quite unpleasant. This was all because they had heard his side which was to tell people that I had cheated on him and been unpleasant.

If your friends are unsupportive, are they really friends? I know my relationship with the friends who doubted me never recovered from then. I have better friends now.

My friends were either supportive or they just kept their beaks out which is exactly how I like my friends to be.

No one was judgemental - not to my face anyway. I didn't really spend time talking about it to be honest just explained that we had separated and we're divorcing.

What are you expecting from your friends if you don't mind my asking?

My closest friends knew the truth and distanced themselves from my ex. More mutual acquaintances believed his lies and as a result I have distanced myself from them. My immediately family took his side (as per your post - minimising, justifying) and I am now no contact. I am happy to know who my true friends are. Be brave. Life is precious.

Tbh friends reactions will be the least of your worries. If they are part of a mutual friendship group it will be easy enough to just avoid any that are unpleasant about it. My mother was judgey, but if you really need to be out of a bad relationship you will be so involved in sorting out practicalities like children and housing etc that you will be able to cope with things like that.

Sorry, in case that was unclear, I hadn't cheated or been unpleasant.

One friend so judgemental and opinionated I dont think I'll ever get over it.

Some people, knowingly or unknowingly, sound superior.

A few friends, absolute gems.

Had mutual friends, well mine originally then he got to know them.
After we split he was like shit to a blanket to all our my friends. He was at every event, crying how hard done to he was.

I stayed away for my own sanity. Took at least a year for them to realise what a prick he was.

He met somebody new, latched on to her friends and ditched our my friends.

I've made peace with them but I'll never forget how bitter it made me.

Blimey Being that's not nice, were you friends with any of their partners? Was that friendship effected?

The same as you This - listen to me have a moan, don't judge & don't minimalise/offer pointless advice etc under the guise of being a sympathetic friend, or just don't get involved at all. I appreciate everyone has got stuff going on with their lives.

Whilst I do appreciate that going through a divorce is massive & I probably won't care about people's opinions, I am plagued with self doubt & question myself constantly. I do need to be brave but for some reason other people's opinions have a big effect on me.

Kitty that is awful your immediate family took his side.

I struggle to make friends due to confidence issues so don't really want to lose or distance myself from the ones I have, as on a whole they are lovely people.

I think it's normal to be full of doubt and concerned about people's perceptions and loyalties. It's a big and scary step. But people like you (and me and lots of women) tend not to make rash decisions and are overly concerned about what people might think. I have never regretted my decision for a second. People with an over-defined sense of responsibility rarely get it wrong because they are so cautious in acting. The people who deserve you will show their loyalty.

When my first marriage broke down I was left with very few of 'our' friends. I realised quite quickly this was because he couldn't be bothered to socialise with my friends so we saw much less of them and lost touch with some of them. So actually though I was a bit sad for a while, in the end I found I didn't care, I just gradually made new ones and was able to rebuild one or two of the friendships I'd lost.

My divorce 20 odd years ago, also effectively ended my side of our mutual friendships. None of them, bar one, asked for my side of the story. I'm still friends to this day, with the one that DID ask. The others all came crawling back a few years later, after realising what exh was really like. They were met with my middle finger.

No judging so far but plenty of support. I'm lucky.

I hope no one feels sorry for me. Couldn't bear pity.

My ex has a lovely circle of friends in his home town (miles away) whom he's known since the 1980s. I used to see them a few times a year. I do feel a bit sad that I'll never see any of them again.

Nope, don't really talk to any of them anymore. If I see them, I'm pleasant but that's it. They knew me before and yet they still believed his lies. Can't be doing with that.

That's nice Treetop that you have decent support, I second you on the pity, I'd hate that!

I don't think my DH would ever bad mouth me to friends/mutual friends as he'd probably be the one to break contact as he doesn't really bother with his friends tbh. It's more friends who decide to judge you off of their own back & that you are being unnecessarily picky etc. I've already had some comments that made me a bit

The breakdown of a marriage can be a complex thing & like you say Kitty it's not a decision you would make lightly.

LatteD - I think dv is huge for friends to deal with and it shows you who your real friends are. My friends came through for me in ways I couldn't have dreamed of. They've been amazing and not for just the immediate aftermath. Two years on and they're still brilliant.

I lost one friend. She did not fall out with me but clearly couldn't cope with it. She'd ask how I am but anything other than perfect, she just didn't reply to text. Her husband friends with ex but they've no idea what he did to me. They don't want to know either. They're not bad people just not mature enough I think. I've let them go.
I've made new friends too and they've also been brilliant. Have faith in yourself.

My friends and family have been very supportive. We didn't have any mutual friends because my ex didn't really have friends and refused to socialise with any of mine. So I haven't lost any friendships as a result of the divorce. I've also had support from members of his family who I thought may turn against me so that's been lovely. I think everyone could see what an arse he is and how badly he treated me. I have known of friends who have divorced just because they've fallen out of love etc and they have lost friends. I suppose it depends on the individual circumstances. Just remember that your true friends will stand by you.