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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

Husband has walked out...

23 replies

Talk86 · 29/12/2016 11:13

We had a big argument last night. He's packed his bags and gone to our flat (which we normally rent out but is empty). We do have issues - he's not happy with our sex life, says I don't instigate it and he has to (which is true as in not very confident). I'm feeling stressed and depressed because I'm the breadwinner (and have been for 6 years), a situation I didn't choose, and I want to spend more time with my children. This all came to a head last night as I think my issues with sex are linked to feeing unhappy day to day. I feel like time is running out as my children are 8 and 10. We live in London and my view is that if we moved to a cheaper area I wouldn't have to earn as much and could spend more time with my kids. I probably shouldn't have brought it up last night as he was feeling insecure about our sex life but it came out and I got upset and he's said that I turned into all about me and that he's leaving because he's inadequate and a rubbish husband. Maybe I did turn it into all about me I don't know. Anyway he's gone and doesn't care about what I tell the children. What do I tell them when he doesn't come home! I want to protect them. I'm also sitting here feeling angry that he's gone rather than talk it through.

OP posts:
RFHrules · 29/12/2016 12:40

I am on a quick break at work but didn't want to read and run.

I wouldn't tell the children anything. There's nothing to tell them yet. You need to talk to DH first, when he's calmer. Just tell them a white lie about his immediate absence - emergency with work/a friend, for example.

Original poster
Talk86 · 29/12/2016 13:04

Thank you RFHrules xx that's what I'm going to do. Thanks so much ;)

OP posts:
ExitPursuedBySantaSpartacus · 29/12/2016 15:54

You might be better moving this to Relationships or starting a new thread where there is more traffic.

buckingfrolicks · 29/12/2016 16:01

sounds to me like he is an inadequate husband - so he's running away from having to talk with you about the reality.

CaptainM · 29/12/2016 16:12

As hard as it may be right now, it sounds like you've got to that make or break place. I agree it's too soon to say anything to your children. Have you tried counselling? Have you been explicit about how you're feeling, what you need from the relationship etc? Has he done the same? Yes, your relationship is crying out for help, but it doesn't mean it's over....unless you're done (which I doubt). It took me a year from where you are (well, a similar place) to where I am now (separated and in the middle of divorce). I feel 100% certain that I did my all (asking for what I need, willingness to offer as much plus lots of counselling) in that year before calling time on our marriage.

My advice is try your best first to save your marriage (assuming that's what you want) before any drastic moves. You would want to look back and know you tried your best.

Sending you best wishes and hoping all works out for you.

RFHrules · 29/12/2016 17:08

Hopefully he's been in contact by now and you've arranged to talk. Let us know how it goes.

Original poster
Talk86 · 29/12/2016 18:24

Thank you everyone. No he's not been in touch. He's popped back to the house a couple of times to collect things this afternoon but not said anything and left again. My mind is a muddled mess. Just trying to focus on the basics like making the kids tea and getting them to bed. Feel so sick with worry ;(

OP posts:
Original poster
Talk86 · 29/12/2016 18:26

I've also suggested counselling in the past but he doesn't want to try it.

OP posts:
tribpot · 29/12/2016 18:33

What's his objection to moving to a cheaper area so you have a better work/life balance? And why is that less worthy of discussion than his concern about your sex life?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/12/2016 19:04

Oh Sweet, I don't have much to add, but you sound lovely.
Maybe this sex lark, is a cover, for something else.
Just concentrate on your children for now.
Let him do, what he needs to do.
Once you've done that, you'll know which path to tread, if that makes sense.
Don't worry about the sex thing, if that's all he's got to worry about, he's a very lucky man. Bet he's really not all that, himself.
Listen to this old bird, and let it all unfold, before you make your move.
I've been there.

Original poster
Talk86 · 30/12/2016 12:18

Thank you

So he came home last night for a few hours, had some dinner and watched tv. We didn't speak at all. He then left to go and sleep in the flat.

He was back this morning. Had some breakfast and got a few things. We exchanged a few words. He was childish and I was a bit terse/irritated with him.

He then got really angry and dumped/threw down the kids car seats in the house along with loads of kids rubbish/ litter/crisp packets etc from the car. Just dumped it in the house, in the living room, and shouted at me that they need to learn to respect things and the car cost him a lot of money he couldn't afford. They didn't hear.

I told him that they are children and we are the adults. Why can't he see that? Kids make a mess. It's not a personal insult.

He's taken the car. Raced off.

This kind of behaviour really pisses me off and unnerves me in equal measure.

I'm at a loss now. So confused about his behaviour but glad he's not here.

OP posts:
tribpot · 30/12/2016 12:20

Why is he eating at the house? I thought he had left.

Scrumptiousbears · 30/12/2016 12:30

Do you think he is just flouncing and is hoping you beg him back? He seems to be coming to the house a lot then leaving.

Original poster
Talk86 · 30/12/2016 12:46

I'd beginning to think that too scrumptious but he's been ignoring me, even when I speak to him directly and then the flip out with the car seats and rubbish! He's obviously still angry. The problem is that I know he will say I pushed him and he snapped, which is what he always says.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 30/12/2016 12:54

He's punishing you, all the flouncing is just basically someone childish doing little harrumphs to show they're not speaking to you.

Take control, he doesn't get to come and go as he pleases. Tell him to stay at the flat until he's over himself and ready to talk calmly. Don't let him drag the bairns into his strop so you feel forced to back down and keep the peace.

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2016 12:58

He came home for his dinner and watched tv then left again? That's like a stroppy teenager. Tell him either back for good or not at all. What a twat.

namechange102 · 30/12/2016 12:59

Wow, he's got that mid-life crisis thing going on! Agree with gamerchick about his coming and going as it pleases him. He's really taking the piss turning up for a meal, but can't be bothered to calmly address the problems.

ptumbi · 30/12/2016 13:00

You say you are te breadwinner OP. What does he do? Is he a SAHD?

Why do his ideas on where you live trump yours? Moving to a cheaper area to get a better work/life balance sounds good to me!

TwitterQueen1 · 30/12/2016 13:03

Yes, he's playing mind games with you. Stropping and flouncing and throwing tantrums, expecting you to take him back and pander to him.

Be calm, clear and direct. As ^^, tell him not to return until he his ready to talk calmly and clearly. And in the meantime, write down the points you want to make.

Maybe he does feel like a failure and inadequate, but you absolutely have the right and the expectation to discuss adjusting your life to accommodate your wishes.

Original poster
Talk86 · 30/12/2016 13:12

Thanks so much. Your advice is getting me through a really tough time.

I think he may be slowly moving his stuff out as he took a big overnight bag with him. The flat is pretty sparse. It has beds and heating and hot water but that's it so he can't cook there which is probably why he is coming back and so that the children see him too so they don't suspect anything is wrong.

He feels that I hijacked the conversation the other night when he was talking about his feelings. I guess I kind of did and now I feel awful for doing that. The reason he has left is because he said he won't be spoken to like that (ie me arguing and demanding we move). He won't be given demands. I wasn't demanding I was upset and crying which he can't deal with. Both of us need to learn to communicate better but it's hard to communicate when someone is ignoring you hence why I got frustrated and started arguing.

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 30/12/2016 14:13

How old is he?
There are a couple of way of dealing with this.

Firm boundaries and asking him to be a grown-up and engage in a proper conversation.If he is angry, acknowledge he is angry and say we can talk when you are feeling calmer. Don't react to his anger or accusations.

This feels like a power struggle and he has decided he needs change. The lack of discussion about moving is his way to hang on to power, frustrating you. You vent and he can then blame you.

Or you could try to just listen and see if validating his feelings will lower his anger. This option is tough on you emotionally as it turns you into his counselor rather than an equal partner. It could also be frustrating for you as you are not likely to get your needs met.

Molly333 · 31/12/2016 07:16

Your life sounds like mine ten years ago . I was working all hours and he was working less and less yet he also resented looking after the children ( five and 1 ) , I never wanted sex as I was exhausted and angry as I wanted to be with the children . In the end he got so angry he too walked ( he was actually hving an affair so I found out) . Though it was awful to start I went part time used tax credits spent time with my kids ( something I will never regret as we are really close) then I did a degree and now am so happy and confident as are my children who gave up on their dad as he continued to resent hving them albeit 2 days a month!

My advice is to use this time to hv a long hard think as to how TOU want ur life , it's about YOU too not his demands !

Ps I live sex now I'm free and less stressed

ThePopcornPolice · 10/01/2017 12:50

How are things going Op?

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