Divorce and child custody

[Lucy761]

It's a long story, but here goes. I left my husband of 12 years last December after failing to do so the year before. He had been mentally and emotionally abusive throughout and I had become numb to him and knew I had to leave. He forced me to leave the house and as I had no where safe to take the kids and didn't want to disturb their set up, at the time I was working full time shifts so he was in the best interests for the kids. He started the divorce process on grounds of adultery and is paying me only £30k for equity in the house which is around £160k, I've agreed to this as I don't want to fight about unimportant things only the children matter. Anyway I didn't commit adultery as we both entered new relationships around the same time. He has tried to convince me he's told me things he hasn't, won't answer my messages for days which all kids related, made all the decisions on when I can have them and been generally controlling, I always feel in the wrong, walking on eggshells and have now been referred to the freedom project for counselling. My question is really this, due to his behaviour in the past and my sons request to live with me I felt it necessary to meet face to face but as I was scared I decided to record it for me to listen back to, he realised what I was doing and the other day when I dropped kids back he slammed the door in my face and told me to get a solicitor. For info I have not used the solicitor so far in the process as they said I should fight him, I have gone part time at work and about to leave completely. I have deleted the recording and spoken to a solicitor who believes I have a good case to get back with me as he uses child care everyday whereas I can be there at all times. Has anyone been in this situation and how did it turn out for you?

what I am going to say I appreciate is easy to say and not necessarily so easy to do.

Get yourself to a solicitor and start fighting for what is yours. Do not accept any proposals until a solicitor has agreed they are fair. Start getting proper, regular access in place now, if necessary via court order and start the ball rolling with regard putting in formal application for residency of the children.

You owe it not only to yourself but for the future of your children to be able to offer then some financial stability.

Let your solicitor deal with things and when he gets angry just ignore him and say, you will speak to your solicitor.

Sorry you are in this situation - but you need to start standing up to him and looking after you.

Thank you, it's been so hard to start believing in me again, I am going to fight this for my kids an I spoke to the court yesterday they haven't made a decision on the agreement we made between us so far which is good and the absolute hasn't been applied for yet so I'm seeing a solicitor on the 4th Jan to see what can be done, wish me luck it's going to be painful x

The sooner you get your child back with you the better as the longer a status quo of child with other parent goes on the less likely the courts will disrupt it. Surely you have a good chance of getting the house and child though?

Giving up work though will reduce your income and your husband may pay you nothing so that seems a bit risky to me.

I have contacted mediation as this is expected before court, I am also speaking to my dr next week as she has my records of how I have been treated so if she is prepared to write a letter we could bypass mediation and go straight to court. I have a great partner who can support all of us and is more than prepared to do so - I just want to be there for my kids at all times instead of them being in childcare and not having their social and educational needs met in their current situation - I'm currently building a rough timeline of events to take to the solicitor as well as a list of behaviour he committed against me

Giving up work though will reduce your income and your husband may pay you nothing so that seems a bit risky to me.

It can also be seen as deliberately reducing your income.

Oh dear.
You have gone part time and are relying on a fairly new relationship to support you and your kids?
I don't think that's a good idea. Why are you making yourself vulnerable?

As to your STBXH... so glad to hear that you are seeing a solicitor on 4th Jan! Do you actually have that appiuntment booked? DO IT. It really is a foolish move to walk away with far less money than you are owed. It won't make your XH behave any better.

And if you split up from the man who is supporting you now (and yes, you might) you will feel pretty bloody angry with yourself on your part time wage and nothing left of your piss poor settlement that you should never have agreed to!

The one thing most women can be pretty sure of in life is never rely on men for money or support and never reduce your own income - it always comes back to haunt you.

He was bullying me to reduce my hours so I could see the children more which I wanted but I didn't want to be relying on childcare like him I wanted to be the one looking after them as I felt this defeated the object. I was the children's main carer until march last year when I went full time. I will be discussing this all with my solicitor on the 4th but everything I have done since I was kicked out is for my kids - I am moving 2 minutes from him as I was 45 min drive away due to having no where to live locally, I kept my full time role until may when my request to go part time was accepted this was to enable me to pay for somewhere to live in the interim, I have always paid more than is expected in child support even if I got paid less that month the same amount was paid. He was emotionally abusive and everything was my fault, some people don't get what that does to a person, I walked on eggshells everyday, if I'd worked an early shift getting up at 3 and picked kids up from school and did their homework with them I would sit down and fall asleep, he would get angry with me regardless of the fact I was working up to 54 hours a week sometime, he punished me if I chose to go out with friends and tried to control me financially (set up my own bank account a few months before telling him it was over) he made my life so difficult and I feel that I've ruined my chances of having my children living with me because of the way he treated me I had no fight in me, I didn't want to kick off about being kicked out as I didn't want the kids seeing police etc at the door. It's all my fault and I will lose being their primary carer yet he was the abuser to me 😔

Just to add, I had hoped he would be reasonable and give 50/50 but instead he's controlling it completely and I'm not happy about several things, homework being missed, my eldest asking to live with me as he isn't happy at dads, when the kids have gone sick at school he has taken them to work in his van rather than taken the day off or calling me to have them, solicitors have already told me of cases where women lost residency of their kids because they were the main breadwinner and they took the kids initially before court, I'm hoping this could happen here x