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Amicable Separation or Divorce?

12 replies

CreamTeaTotty · 01/12/2016 22:59

I'm trying to decide whether to go attempt Amicable Separation or straight for Divorce...

DH has had EA for over eight years. I don't love him. He's having difficulty accepting this.

I want to try having a normal ish Christmas and then for him to move out in January. In the meantime we are sleeping separately.

About to write down what I want. I'd prefer if possible to be amicable and do the two year separation thing. But if he is difficult then I suppose I'd have to divorce him so that he will leave the house.

Confused by these options. Have no money either. Sister and sister in law have agreed to mediate terms & finances.

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 02/12/2016 17:25

What's the plan for the house? If you want to stay there could you agree a payment to him so that he is able to move out?

The risk with the 2 year wait is that if a finances change you could have to renegotiate at time of divorce but that depends on a number of factors.

Do you have children? Amicable is best although it will never be 'friendly' as you have to detach and that invariable causes pain.

I agreed my ex could divorce me as he wanted to wait 2 years however he then sent a really hostile petition which I couldn't accept and all the goodwill has gone out the window.

Headunderthecovers · 03/12/2016 10:16

I think the process of divorce is stressful and really the 2 year wait won't help. There will be disagreement over what you want and it is really important not to let emotion cloud your judgement. You have the emotional abuse and he has the difficulty accepting you don't love him. When we are hurt, we don't always think through clearly to the end result we want and just react to the moment. Over the 2 year period it is likely to get even more bitter between you until things are resolved.

I would not have any family involved in the finances, as this is the part that you are both likely to want more than is available, as even though you have no money there is equity from what you both own. I really would strongly advise against this.

Petitioning for divorce can be amicable if you share the grounds and let him see what you have written before submitting. There is lots of online advice about filling in the forms.
I would borrow money for formal mediation regarding the finances as it is so important. The rest you can do yourself almost.

Just get started and talk about what you both want out of the end of the marriage, so he can feel it isn't being 'done to' him but is inevitable anyway. Put it to him that he deserves more than someone who no longer loves him and that a marriage isn't working if this is true of one partner, hence the divorce. Perhaps he will listen to this.You want him to feel he has a voice - even if you choose not to listen! otherwise it costs you more money in divorce fees.

CreamTeaTotty · 03/12/2016 16:21

I wrote the letter saying I want to separate. We are having a sham Christmas for the children and he's supposed to be leaving in January.

OP posts:
CreamTeaTotty · 03/12/2016 16:23

I want to stay in our house and for him to continue paying the mortgage and child support.

Currently in a sea of paperwork, spreadsheet etc.

I'd welcome suggestions for best advice as the CAB have been a bit crap.

OP posts:
Headunderthecovers · 04/12/2016 02:43

Can he afford the mortgage and somewhere for himself with bills and child maintenance? He may not want to move out in January and if he does he may stop contributing to the mortgage. It is difficult to say if he will behave reasonably until it actually happens. Look at all joint accounts now before he has chance to shift any money.

Calculate how much child support he will pay from csa online calculator.
Can you manage? Look at tax credit entitlement as well. I did money saving expert online budget brain and got every bill renegotiated as low as I could with each supplier.

You will need a solicitor for some advice although a lot of the form filling you can do yourself. It really is a necessary expense for the negotiation stage of finances unless you expect him to be generous. Knowing what you should be negotiating for is important.

Once you are divorced it is not usual for him to continue to pay the mortgage on your house, unless you have a Mesher order (not normally recommended if you can do otherwise).

I found online reputable advice (quite a few family law firms have blogs) and books helped me in crash learning what I needed to know. A couple of books I got were 'the woman's guide to divorce' and 'the wealthy divorcee' on kindle to read, so I had an idea of how to approach things.

Sp0ttyDog · 04/12/2016 21:30

@CreamTeaTotty .... seems we are in the same situation, DH & I have agreed for him to leave in January too. Beyond that we haven't decided if its a separation/divorce.
Im feeling like i need to tell a few friends/family members to kinda' make it real, acknowledge that this really is going to happen.
I fear if we too have a sham Christmas he may play at being on his best behaviour in the hope he may not have to leave??!!

CreamTeaTotty · 06/12/2016 13:46

Sp0tty Dog - I've got amazingly good behaviour at the moment. He's baking and doing loads of DIY.

He had said that he will continue to pay the mortgage until our youngest is 18 and then we would ideally sell the house and split the equity.

He's agreed to paying child support and having kids Fri & Sat nights.

It's amicable so far.

I think once he's left I will go for a divorce in the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour - which he fully admits to.

OP posts:
CreamTeaTotty · 06/12/2016 13:51

To update the thread... I've decided against the two year thing. :)

OP posts:
Sp0ttyDog · 06/12/2016 17:35

blimey, I've/we've made no decisions! All feels awkward! Dare not mention it all for fear of being accused of hurrying it all along!!
We have too a very helpful, cheerier and domesticated daddy at the moment!!

CreamTeaTotty · 07/12/2016 10:33

I've been told off for shoving rental info under his nose. But he has asked bastions things about kids access and furniture!

OP posts:
CreamTeaTotty · 07/12/2016 10:34

Various NOT bastions

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Sp0ttyDog · 17/12/2016 15:15

Well all was as I thought, he seemed to think despite our convo & decision, separating still wasn't going to happen. I mentioned something today and he's gutted that it wasn't just a heat of the moment comment Hmm feel bad but one of us needs to wake up to the reality.

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