It feels too soon

[rememberthetime]

I moved out of the family home one month ago (bit less actually). We have been co-parenting as best we can. We get together as a family once a week at least and ex has been seeing me a bit more often about various things.
Then today he comes over and tells me "face to face" that he is online dating - just in case I find out from someone else. Seems one of my old freinds is also on the site and contacted him (just as a friend) and he was worried she might tell me.

Now, I left him because he was controlling, narcissistic to me and my daughter. I had no choice but to go. So why does this hurt so much?

I have hardly stopped crying. it has been one month and already he wants to check out other options.

I pointed out to him that i don't have the same freedoms he does as I have our daughter to look after. She is 14, but refuses to stay with him because of his behaviour towards her. So I have no time and I wouldn't do that to her.

He has out 17 yr old son, but said he hadn't told him because he didn't think it was necessary. He asked me not to tell our daughter as that might further upset their relationship. So he feels guilt associated with them - but not me.

I just feel really sad and actually sick about how I will feel if he finds someone he likes. I just feel awful about the whole thing and know it has changed it all. We were doing so well just being friends and now he does this.

Yet at the same time - I was the one who wanted out.

Please help me make sense of it...

I don't know how to make sense of that, it's like you don't want him, but you want him to want you, and you don't want anyone else to have him.

Did you think he would hang about forever pining for you? I'm sorry, but if you don't want him, then you shouldn't care who else he sees.

He's still trying to control you even though you're not together. Sounds to me like he's deliberately playing games trying to upset you. It's worked! I think a more realistic response from you would to feel sorry for the next poor soul he comes into contact with.

The thing is that I spent our whole 16 year marriage giving him everything he wanted to keep him happy. I didn't leave because I hated him. I left because I hated what I had become.
Since I have been gone I feel I have been hoovered a little as he has just been so nice and accommodating and I maybe fell for it a bit. Thinking he wasn't all that bad after all.
I suppose I am just being put back in my place. it actually feels better to think of it like that.
I don't want him to want me - I just wanted time to get to grips with the whole thing. I have hardly settled into my new place and our new routine when another spanner is thrown in.
I feel a little angry too that I had to move out, I had to buy all new stuff, he refused to give me money and now he is merrily dating and possibly taking women back to my home that I still own cause he won't sell it either.
Should I be angry, sad or just indifferent?

Remember, beware the narc. My STBEH is a narc and I googled the behaviour of a narc which helped me a lot. What he has done is got you focused on him again. You need to think about yourself and getting into that new routine and bringing a little happiness into your life. What he does no longer has anything to with you. I know it is hard as you can't just turn your feelings off just like that but you are one step ahead of me - we are still living in the same house.

Thank you Jaffa. Luckily I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow who will make me see sense. I know i have no right to tell him what he can and can't do and I have to see it in context. But i also can't be happy that he is putting himself first once again.

Today i spent loads of time cleaning my home - keeping it perfect because it is mine. Not shared - just for me and my kids. That makes me feel good. Plus I can put the furniture anywhere I damn well please.

I completely understand where you are coming from feeling that way!! My 20 year marriage broke down early last year and we separated 'properly' in the summer. One year on and I cant even get my head around going out or even trying online dating as I have the kids (although they are older teens and dont need nannying, with the worrying about them whilst they are out, its just as restricting in some ways as a toddler!) and two old dogs and a cat who, yes, need company in the evenings and if I go out I need to think about taking them to my mums and when to feed them and when to collect them etc!!

When my STBXH told me last month that he had been online dating and had several dates from May onwards I felt such a mix of jealousy and anger and sadness and patheticness I spent the rest of the weekend in tears!!

I had to focus on feeling sorry for him cos he doesnt get the goodnight hugs from our three gorgeous kids, he doesnt see them first thing in the morning when they are all bleary eyed and heading for the cereal cupboard, he doesn't get to snuggle on the sofa with them to watch a film, and, most importantly, he doesn't get them to pour his wine or mix his gin and tonic . And then I admitted that I didn't really want to go on a date but thats a whole other story

You will be fine - focus on the kids and YOUR house!!! it works wonders xx

You're not together anymore so it's none of your business who he dates or sleeps with and when. I think it was very polite of him to mention the website - otherwise it could be awkward if someone saw him on it but didn't realise you'd split up.

And if you don't quite feel single and ready to mingle then fair enough. Do the counselling, give yourself some time and do things in your own time.