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Help please feeling desperate

4 replies

alisonis48 · 21/09/2016 22:33

I'm sick of being told by my husband that if it wasn't for him we wouldn't have anything. We've just returned from living overseas for 4 years, we left when our child was 14m. I gave up a good career to support my husband in his decision for us to go overseas and whilst I'm incredibly grateful to him that I didn't have to work and got to enjoy so much precious time with our child (who was conceived after fertility issues) I always thought that we were acting as a partnership, now I'm not sure.
I'm finding it very hard to get a job in the uk as I took 5 years out and am now in my late forties. And yes I have been trying. Before we left for overseas life as a family my husband worked overseas on his own for 2 and a half years and I fully supported his decision to want to do this on his own, even though we lived together at the time and we were having fertility issues.
So am I being unreasonable now to resent him telling me if it wasn't for him we'd have nothing? I may not have been supporting us financially for the last four years but I had a good job before I gave it up, and contributed half of the mortgage. It was also through my persistence in pursuing ivf that we had a child. I have always done all the housework cooking ironing childcare etc etc and I always thought that we were a partnership. Now he's constantly telling me it's thanks to him we have anything and always making remarks like what do you do all day, why are you tired, what do you contribute etc etc. it's really getting me down and I'm feeling like I'm irrelevant.
I honestly don't know what to do as every time I try and talk to him about it it ends up in an argument.
Have had enough. Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 21/09/2016 22:47

Send him the bill for a cook, a cleaner, a nanny, a surrogate, a PA, blah blah blah.

jeaux90 · 22/09/2016 07:37

I see this time and time again with some guys. They seem to forget that this was a decision you jointly made. I hope you do find a job soon then you can have the conversation about splitting all the household stuff down the middle and tell him to suck it up. He'll soon realise what you contributed. He's being a nob, tell him. Good luck with finding a job, then watch the power shift happen in your relationship. I don't mean to concern you by the way but I work in a male dominated business and one of the scripts I see time and time again when a guy gets his head turned by a woman at work is they start turning the tables at home. "You don't contribute etc" almost like they are starting to justify something. No I have met been burnt this way, I am a single mum and always worked, I just see this an awful lot. Big hug, be strong and stand up to him X

alisonis48 · 22/09/2016 10:18

He's just started a new job and is struggling being back in the rat race so I think it's a case of he resents me not working although in nicer moments he admits it would be hard to balance everything else if I did work.
I used to be such a strong independent woman, I always stand up for myself but somehow it's always me that ends up getting the blame for everything. He's been saying stuff like this for ages, it's made me feel completely useless. He's even told me I'm crap with finance and that's what I used to work in, so my confidence is zero. Feel like I'm a no win situation.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 22/09/2016 16:39

To answer your question no, you are not being selfish. He is being a nob and you are still that strong woman, you haven't changed but it does sound like you need to find your voice, work out what you want and whether that works with your family and then tell him, but please don't let him berate you anymore. X

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