I'd like some advice please, EA and preparing to drop a bombshell.

[KateLivesInEngland]

Am I in an abusive marriage?
I think I know the answer but I just need some outside help and support.

We have 4 kids and have been married for 12yrs. Am a sahm/work from home part time in his family business, he pays me a nominal wage.
He insisted I gave up work when we had kids and I agreed as I wasn't particularly in love with the job I was in at that time - god, how I miss it now.

Some instances and examples.
•I'm on anti depressants for PND and anxiety. When I told him he said "why are YOU depressed? You don't actually do anything or have anything to be depressed about"
Nothing I do is credible to him. What I watch on telly is 'crap' even though he never sits down to watch it and I watch a wide range of mainstream stuff. If I read, I'm 'lazy'.
The house is never up to his standard even though he won't lift a finger to help. If the house is noticeably tidier (to him😏) he asks if I've had cleaners or my mum round (never had anyone else clean the house and he knows that) He's never cooked me a meal in the 15yrs we've been together. NEVER ONCE!
•Regularly encourages the kids to be mean or awkward towards me. E.g. At the start of this week I had had a minor vomiting episode (I've put it down to a 24hr bug or something) and was exhausted. The house was on an even keel and the kids were fed so I took the opportunity to have a nap whilst the kids watched telly. When he found out he told the kids they had his permission to throw a cup of water on me if they caught me sleeping again.
•He has a fixation on being 'too old for that'. E.g. I'm too old for Facebook now I'm into my early thirties. I'm too old to go out dancing with my friends. I had to fight to be let on a girly weekend even though I'd sorted childcare out myself and we could easily afford it. He used to be really funny about me going out on my own but he has got better about it over the years. If we go out together he's so socially awkward that I feel I have to babysit him all night. He has little in common with my friends or their partners and is often really derogatory about them once we get home.
•I have no control over the house at all. He pays the bills. He has a credit card that I am simply a named cardholder on. He scrutinises the bill and asks for receipts. He never tells me off for spending as I only really put household shopping and stuff for the kids on it but he can get arsey if he deems stuff unnecessary. Everything is in his name so if anything breaks etc, I have to wait for him to get around to ringing up about it. We don't have a joint account and he won't really discuss with me how much we have in savings (I know we're comfortably off due to him being self employed and a well established family business) he has claimed for it not to be feasible to buy the things I believe we need for the house yet produces a few grand at a days notice when he decided on a job that 'needed doing.'
We own our home and it's in our joint names.
•sex is shit, he's quite selfish. If he's in the mood I literally have to fend off his advances and get really firm and very direct. Sometimes I give in for an easy life and I'd never use that word but there's been times when he just won't let it drop. He even once said that I ought to be glad he still finds me attractive.

I know I'm going to probably get a few LTBs and I've recently come to the conclusion that that is what's coming next but how do I do it? I have no money of my own and he holds all the cards. It'll kill his parents, who I adore. And two of our children a very sensitive souls - any separation is going to knock them for six, I just know it.

OP, I really admire your courage. It takes guts to do what you're doing.
For me, we went to the brink of separation a while ago and it was not a pleasant experience. He did not take it well - denied everything he'd done / blamed me / threw his toys out of the pram and then, when he realised I wasn't coming round, he begged me. It was really hard as my DC are so young that I would have essentially been robbing them of living with both parents from such a young age. And I wasn't sure I could deal with the "guilt" of being the one who ended it.
So, I stayed, and things are better although we have good days and not so good days. He has changed though - I think knowing I was prepared to leave him really shocked him. I'm not suggesting you do this - but be prepared for him to try everything to stop you from leaving him.

I know he's not going to take it well, he'll beg and cry - I know it. I'm thinking that the hardest part of that conversation will be not backing down and saying ok, I'll give it another go. He'll say I'm giving up too easily and that I haven't tried but he doesn't realise that I've been trying to make it work for years. Then I'm sure he'll get nasty.
I find myself looking at the kids and thinking that I'm going to throw a bomb into their world soon, it hurts but I know it's for the best. I look at his parents and think the same, if I thought about it too much I'd talk myself out of it and I'd be stuck here for another few years, until the next time. I know there'd be a next time so it's just delaying the inevitable.

There's a few more on my little secret Pinterest board (we've talked about decorating so having a bedrooms board isn't going to out my plans) but this is the one that speaks to my heart

I've just been catching up on what you are saying Kate and I have to say how much I admire you, you are so strong. You are right about if you don't leave him now you will do eventually. I tried to leave my H so many times and he kept convincing me that things would change...they did but in the wrong direction! He knew that every time I wan't to split up he would dangle the carrot on front of me telling me he loved me and all the while all he was doing was exerting more control over me. But not this time. I had a bit of kick in the teeth yesterday when my solicitor sent me a copy of the letter he sent her. It was very much a f off letter and he'll do what he wants when he wants! However, later on my youngest daughter and I went to the pictures to see Bridget Jones' Baby and it was brilliant, just what I needed. What I'm saying here is that expect your life to be full of ups and downs like you have never experienced before. One minute I think I'm getting somewhere and can see a great future ahead of me and then like the flick of a switch I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach and can't cope. We will all get through this because that's what people do. Love the colour scheme BTW. I've been looking at new washing machines, I've always fancied a Miele.

Well, I'm all talk and no action at the moment! I feel stronger about it than I ever have though. And I've said it out loud to someone, which is also a first. I don't know wether to tell my parents before or after. We're not particularly close so I'm not pinning many hopes on them being really supportive so I'm thinking after. I haven't spoken to my sister for a little while now, which is unusual. She knows we're having problems so if I do ring her, she'll ask about us and I can't lie to her so I know I'll end up telling her.

I didn't tell my parents until I had my lease signed and I was ready to go. They knew how unhappy I was, so it wasn't a huge shock. I told my brother - he knew about all of our problems and, even though he's in a different country, he was very good at just texting and checking up on me.

I love your bedroom, by the way. Its so gloriously feminine!

I had actually tried to leave once before. Not to the extent I had an apartment and everything, but I told him how I was thinking of it as neither of us were happy. He cried, looked shocked, took me away for a weekend etc etc. It lasted a week.

I'm sorry I'm telling you about me and not advising you. Only you yourself know in your gut what to do. I'm just giving you my experiences.

I also thought, oh my gosh is this how my life will be? I had completely lost myself.

Do tell your sister. you know the saying 'a problem shared is a problem halved'? Sounds wanky but true xx

Oh Kate, your post has ousted me from my lurkers corner!

I am 2 years free of an abuser. I was so ashamed of finding myself in such an awful position that I kept it all to myself.

He would continually bully me, call me disgusting names, tell me how fat and revolting he found me. He hurt me and liked to raise his fist just so he could see me flinch. He enjoyed that one.
I was unable to go out without accusations and finally I stopped going out unless it was to work or children related. It just wasn't worth the weeks of stone walling. I was so lonely.
Called me a bitch and a cunt in front of my little boys. This is what got the ball rolling in my head and forced me to admit to the fog in which we were living.

Now, this is the hardest part to confide but I feel that I am now emotionaly able to admit what a totally cruel and heartless a man he is.
I was the most disgusting person to him but he still demanded sex on a regular basis and if I denied him he would tell me how mentally unstable I was and I needed to see the doctor. On numerous occasions I told him repeatedly no right up to penetration, but was told that I would enjoy it in a minute!
I was only after reading posts on here by some fabulous women that I realised how utterly wrong that was.

He was violent.
He gas lighted.
He forced me into having sex
He stonewalled me.
He is a terrible father.
He was lazy and never lifted a finger.
He is the bastard.

Sorry, this is like opening the flood gates!
To cut it short I got him out and although he stripped the house bare and left us without even a fridge it was worth it.

I can't tell you how much our lives have changed. I am happy. The kids are happy.
Do get your ducks in a row.
Contact the CMS.
Contact the benefits people.
You can do it??? Xxxx

gilbertblythe

Well done for leaving .
xxxx

I'm thinking that the hardest part of that conversation will be not backing down and saying ok, I'll give it another go

Forewarned is forearmed: you know he's going to do this; odds are he's going to cycle through pleading and fake remorse, rage and self pity like the typical abuser he is. Tell yourself that in your head instead of giving in to him. Anticipate that it will be another of those three behaviours next. Allow his behaviour to confirm your beliefs about him. Write a list of all the awful things about him and the relationship and go back to it whenever you need bolstering in your convictions. Focus on the positives for your DC: children should never have to experience domestic abuse. That they have is on him - but you can get them out of there. It's so much better on the other side; I bought the wallpaper for my new bedroom this week xx

Thanks Mrs x

A little update, after a couple of false starts I have told him! Feel so relieved right now.
I plucked up the courage to tell him a couple of weeks ago but I lost my resolve and he worked his way back but I told him again on Saturday night and made it clear.
He has now gone all defensive instead of loving so I think it's finally hit home.

Hi Kate! Awesome.
What have you said?

Well done.

Remember, it's entirely him that hasn't worked hard enough at your relationship over the years, not you.

It's not you 'giving up too easily'. You've tried for years and years and years. He hasn't.

He still keeps blaming the depression, everything will be fine once you're better, the kids and house are getting on top of you.

I tried to explain that, I feel fine now. Not depressed at all. I'm just unhappy at our relationship. He implied that I'd be much worse off alone as I'd have to do everything myself (my heart leapt at the prospect of not having to fit my life around him and his ridiculously fussy eating and workaholism)

He is behaving a lot lot lot better than before but I lost interest in saving the marriage a long time ago, this morning when I woke up I felt genuinely happy and almost like dancing because I'd finally got through the barrier of actually saying it out loud.
I've had a visit from MiL, she's great btw, and she was devastated (he told her, I haven't told my mum yet - were not close and I have a feeling she'll say something suitably selfish and turn it on herself) MiL said she'd support us whatever we decided (which made me think DH has told her we're maybe splitting not actually splitting or maybe it's her being hopeful) and she cried and gave me a hug. Which then set me off and hit me how massive this all is
I'm still sure I'm in the right track, I just have to keep on it.

If you woke up happy, and your heart leapt at the thought of not having to fir your life round him, I think those are good signs you are on the right track.

So glad you have your MIL support. Do you have any idea what you will do next?

.

Not really any idea at all, maybe him sleeping at his parents but staying here til the kids are in bed? Separate bedrooms in the house? Not sure.
He's here, be back later!

Would he move out 'to give you space to see how you feel'?

You really need legal advice, don't agree to just half the house. You need look at what your full legal entitlement is. He has proved to you that he is greedy with money, you will have to fund school trips, uniforms, lost trainers/coats, driving lessons etc. none of this is cheap and tight fist dad will be asking for receipts and questioning you forever more. Look at your full legal entitlement and remember this is to support all of you. Best not to assume he will pull his weight.

Good luck.

Oh and you said you don't want to risk your children's inheritance/family business (or something along those lines). The only way you can do this is by having assets in your name. If he subsequently remarries or writes a new will your kids may no longer be beneficiaries.

You read on here about adults being manipulated by their parents with threats of disninheritance.

The greedy man was quick enough to take his well qualified accountants advice and put your name on the business to reduce his tax liability so take a well qualified solicitors advice and take your assets.

I see far too many women who have regretfully given away assets for an easy life, unfortunately their ex just sees them as weak.

Thanks 43, that's actually great advice and I hadn't thought of that - I'm almost sure he would remarry or jump headlong into something serious straight away.
As soon as I'm off the scene I bet there'll be someone sniffing about, thinking he's loaded. he's so useless that he'd probably snap up the first one that came along offering to wash his socks and make him a hot meal.

On another note, the first thing he did (well, tried) when he came home from work was to kiss me! I just did a backwards limbo and fussed with the food. Oh well, maybe hasn't got message!