50:50 parenting plans for young dcs

[CaptainM]

I'm really anxious about the prospect of 50:50 shared parenting with my STBXH. I totally support very regular contact, weekend and overnight visits but I know my ex is fighting for this to avoid cm. Even though he has been involved in dropoffs and pickups and bedtime (which he's pushing for now to establish a status quo), he has not shown an interest in my dcs affairs in the past - doesn't ask about their day, has never organised a playdate (despite being at home a lot), birthday party etc, does not know their friends, has bought them a handful of toys/clothes in the last 6 years etc, and really struggles to soothe them when they're upset etc.

He is incredibly competitive and must win at all costs, even if it harms him/them in the process. This means that he will not/does not tell me if he's had any challenges with my dcs, if they have been distressed whilst in his care etc.

To prepare myself for possibility of a 50:50, it would really help to hear other's experience of the impact on little ones (4 & 6 yo) and any thoughts on what plans (one wk-one wk, 3 days/4 days etc) have worked best for other's dcs. I'll have to suggest preferable options at some point.

We have split the weekdays and then alternate weekends, which works out as a 4:3:3:4 arrangement. We've had it in place since they were younger than your children and its been fine for the most part. My ex husband also didn't do much parenting before we split because he supported us financially instead. Divorce can often prompt people to reevaluate what is important in life and both my exH and DH do far more parenting now.

Why would he need to tell you about any challenges or whether they were distressed? Would you tell him when they are challenging or distressed with you too? Obviously everyone does things differently but I don't think this is necessary unless the challenge or distress was out of the ordinary. Young children are challenging and can be distressed by all kinds of things. It's up to your ex to manage this in his own way and it would happen whether it was 50/50 or the more traditional EOW.

I found 50/50 hard because I hated being away from my children but it actually gave me an opportunity to work part time while our DC were with their dad which was good for my ongoing financial security, making new friends and just generally moving on.

Of course, they're also his children. I'm sure we all have occasions when we refer to our children as "my", even when we're not having problems. With them being distressed, of course I don't expect him to

Fourormore, thanks for your very reassuring response. I'm considering one week/one week with overnight stay just s their weeks are not too choppy. It's nice to hear that the experience has helped your ex and DH get more involved. With regards to being distressed, of course I don't expect him to report to me. I'm just worried that he's so mistrusting (hopefully in the short-term whilst we're navigating this change) that he would not tell me significant events that impact dc. He's refused to talk to them about what's going on and they have a lot of questions/anxiety about the future. I have assured them that daddy and mummy love them very much, and that would never change. I have also told them they'll have two homes, 2 bedrooms etc and we've discussed how exciting that will be, so they don't feel tense about it. I just wish he would speak to them too, so they're hearing the same/similar message from both of us. I'm sure (hope) it'll all get better with time as the intense emotions simmer down x

I can understand that. My ex H is a great dad but his emotional intelligence leave something to be desired. All you can do is your best and often that is enough. Of course it would be nice if he would step up but they have you to rely on if there is anything they are worried about.

We considered the one week each approach but I felt it was too long for the children to not see either parent. It works fairly smoothly - I take them to school on Wednesday, he brings them back either Saturday morning or Sunday evening and we start the week again.

And you're right - it does get better once everyone settles in to the new routine 😌

Thank you so much, Fourormore! I needed your reassurance today and have to keep reminding myself this can only be a short-term thing. We'll all settle to the new norm at some point. In the meantime, I just have to keep taking deep breathesx