My husband of 24 years has been having an affair

[user1463519042]

Just after Easter, I discovered my husband had been having an affair for the past three years, thanks to an anonymous letter I received in the post. I am absolutely devastated. We have been married for 24 years, and together for 30. I thought our marriage was sound and this is a complete and profound shock. He has moved out and is renting a flat. He says he has stopped seeing the woman he was having an affair with, and that he would like to rebuild our marriage. I do now know whether to trust him as I only have his word for this. Five months on, I am still beside myself and do not know what to do. I am struggling to see how I could ever trust him again, when he has lied to me for the past three years. Yet I do not want to be the one to make the decision to break up our family, when I have devoted most of my adult life to nurturing our daughters and creating our home and family life. Part of me wants to find a way to work through this, but when I see him, I feel such hurt and anger. We had a few sessions with a Relate counsellor but this was unsuccessful. I had hoped that 5 months on, I would have worked out what to do, but I have not. I am completely financially dependent on him, and feel such a fool now for having chosen to be a stay-at-home mum when I have a phD and could have built a career for myself (I'm 53 now, and have been at home for 20 years, so am struggling to see how I could get back out into the world of work!) He owns his own small company, and had the affair with someone who works for him - she is still there and I don't get the impression she's trying to move on. I don't know who started the affair - from what he has told me, it sounds as if it was consensual. I am struggling with the fact that she is still there at work; he says he does not see her and there is nothing he can do to make her leave. I do get this and am aware of the sexual politics at play. But I cannot see how we can move on while she is still there, and I cannot believe that she will have made no attempt to make contact with him in the workplace. I am so confused; I want to save our marriage, largely for the sake of our daughters who are both at university now, but who have been devastated by what has happened and who would like to see us work things out. Another part of me wants to be strong enough to walk away; he has tainted all our family memories and trashed most of my adult lie and I do not think I could ever forgive him for deceiving me for three whole years and for the scale of his betrayal. But this is not what I expected at this age: I feel like I've been in a car crash, and as the months pass, I feel less and less able to make sense of what he has done, or to move on. Feeling paralysed by indecision, anger and pain - help, please!!!

I'm not in favour of you staying in this relationship and trying to make a go of it OP he's shown you who he is and it's not someone you can safely depend on as you get older. If you do want to try and make things work, as an absolute minimum OW needs to get her P45. But my advice is don't. You will grieve and it is horrific but you will come out the other side and be strong and happy in the end.

I think it ts a very good idea to get counselling to get some comfort and support for the huge distress and hurt you have suffered and to marshal your thoughts and assess what you want and need. I am very perturbed by your description of his state of mind - he just sounds complacent and presumptive and as if he hasn't taken responsibility at all for his actions and the impact upon you. So maybe you need to address that in your counselling? How to communicate with him so that he understands what now needs to happen. You really do need to make some demands of him. Has he actually said sorry? Does he really understand what he has done and how much hurt and pain he has caused? How does he plan to change? What can he do differently to re-build your trust and respect? What has he got to offer you?
I think first and foremost he needs to take that responsibility, demonstrate how he wants to make amends, address any deeper underlying issues (if he is or was unhappy he's now shared that unhappiness and needs to take some responsibility for re-building and improving the relationship).
The whole point though is to make sure you get what you want from life. You have choices, you can have a very happy and positive future, with or without him. You need to get support to know that and to re-build your self belief - the effect of the affair has been to destroy your feelings of self worth - if that wasn't already your experience of your relationship before. In the end if he's not worth having in your life it doesnt really matter if he goes off with someone else. If he is worth having a relationship he will have to fight for it rather than simply expect it all to be there on a plate for him.
I'm really unimpressed I'm afraid by the fact that he's not been humbled by the affair at all. Yes you will both need to work on the relationship, openess and honesty but he's got to prove he's worth having first. Are you sure he is? What will make you happy and how can you get it?
Look after yourself dear OP. That's your number one priority now - be very, very kind to yourself. Get support from friends and counselling, treat yourself to a holiday, new clothes, new hair, now anything you fancy to make yourself feel better. Make any small changes you like because it pleases you - if you dont feel like cooking dinner don't. If you never liked doing particular things for him or for the family, don't. Your needs matter. You are worth it. Whether the shitty small man you're married to recognises it or not.

i second what Mummydummy says about pampering and treating yourself! do lots of things that are just for you!

Massage!

Facial. Pedicure and manicure....

even as simple as cooking yourselves meals that you like that dh didn't like so you never made them (or eating at restaurants he doesn't like that you do). or going to see a movie genre you like that he doesn't, etc and on and on. :)

thank you for all this lovely advice - I'm new to mumsnet and am really moved by so much support - makes me want to cry - again!!!
Had a rough few days with older daughter - she's in her early twenties and is off to start her Masters next week. She's been very quiet about the whole thing - I know how hurt and angry she's been, but I hadn't realised quite how damaged and distressed she is feeling.She's been home over the summer, but suddenly seems very emotionally fragile and anxious at the prospect of going away - crying a lot and wanting to know how she's supposed to cope with the fact that her life seemed absolutely fine and normal and suddenly, out of the blue, its been turned upside down. She says she doesn't want to get caught up in a 'blame game', she just wants a semblance of a family back. I wasn't sure she'd want us to get back together, but although she's very angry with her dad, I think that is what she wants. I can't bear to see her so tearful and distressed - its so hard to support her, when I'm struggling to get myself through this! Obviously i'm doing my best, but I don't know what to say - maybe I've been too upfront about my own hurt. I don't want to justify him to her, and say stuff like he loves her and didn't mean to hurt her - if he really loved her, he wouldn't have had the affair in the first place! He wants to sit down and have a talk with her, but she doesn't want to be drawn into details or hear him trying to justify himself. She wouldn't be able to cope with a heavy conversation with him. But am I wrong to tell him not even to try? I know she hates what he's done, and she supports me, but I've made the mistake of getting angry with him when she's been around, and now I feel she's lost her trust in me and sees me as somehow responsible, not for making the situation worse, but certainly for not helping to make it any better. He sees none of this; she's perfectly polite with him - I'm having to deal with all the tears and hurt. Sometimes, I almost sense a hostility and anger towards me, as if what's happening is my fault too, and thats really difficult to cope with. Any ideas on how I should deal with this and on how I can help her through it?

Dear op just need to drive now but will write a response as soon as I can. My only comment for now (I'm not trying to be too harsh) is that your daughter is old enough and should be mature enough to handle this better ... She doesn't get to decide what's right for your future based on her feelings.

Will write more later, and if you prefer, PM me anytime to let it all out.

Sorry to hear it OP - that's very hard to deal with. I'm sorry your daughter is so distressed - she maybe needs to go and get some counsellling support herself. But she does need, without wanting to be harsh either, to be more mature and understanding. She is being selfish.
Your marriage did not and will not exist just for her benefit. Even if you both wanted to make it work with all the will in the world you might not be able to - trust, respect and love cannot simply be plucked out of fresh air. They are fragile, build slowly with many facets and shatter easily. She will move on into her life, her relationships and adventures and cannot simply expect you and her father to put on the happy family act for when she chooses to turn up again.
Your happiness matters. Now more than ever. Stand firm to her and her father. You didnt cause all this hurt and pain, he did. You are not responsible for waving a magic wand to make it all okay again for anyone else's benefit.
Say this to her. I am not responsible for this situation, for father is and your father will have to prove himself worthy of this marriage, he isnt yet. I do not know whether I can ever love and trust him again and no marriage can survive without that. I need now to put myself first, because clearly no one else in this family is capable of doing that. I am deeply, deeply hurt and I need to have some support, kindness and love too. I cannot live my life according to anyone else's requirements. Hopefully, your daughter, will be able to understand that and be ashamed of her behaviour. You deserve everyones support now.
Frankly your husband sounds complacent and selfish. Tell him, its up to him how he tries to re-build his relationship with you daughter, he has damaged and broken it, its up to him how he tries to re-build it. It will be a long road. And up to him now - you're not going to help him repair damage he has caused. And tell her she needs to talk to him directly about it. Not pile it all on you and expect you to manage the communications. I'm afraid at her age she needs to handle that.
My situation was different my DD was 7 and my DS 5, when it happened to me. My DD was angry with me for quite a while because (before I knew what had really happened - there was 2 affairs) I said we wouldn't break up. Both would dearly have loved us to stay together. I was very clear that I loved them and their Daddy loved them, that it was nothing to do with them and that I was so sorry that it had worked out that way, it wasn't what I had wanted for them. But we couldn't make it work anymore. But they were little children not grown adults. Now, incidentally, both of them think it was right we split up.
I'm not surprised you are getting all the emotion, thats what happens to Mums because it is safe for your DCs to say and express everything to you. Because they know you will always look after them and support them. Its a tribute to your unconditional love and kindness. But your daughter is grown up now and needs to understand that you are a person too, who deserves to be happy. Please stop and think. You do not simply exist to make everyone else happy and their lives easy. Don't be a doormat (sorry thats said without meaness). Stand up for your needs and happines now.

This happened to me a year ago in a twenty year marriage. I am in my early 40's with 3 teenage kids. My husband didn't want to reconcile but in headlines our situations are pretty similar.

Your daughters are devastated and this is 100% his fault. In time they will see that. They want you to stay together because they are in the denial and bargaining stages of grief and just want it to go away. They think that you staying will maintain the status quo for them but in time I suspect they'll see it differently.

When this happened to me, I thought: "What would I want my daughters to do if this happened to them?" I knew unequivocally that I would want them to stand up for themselves and to state: "I am worth more than this." Then the decision was simple - I don't care if my kids see me angry and hurt. I want them to learn that betraying someone you love has seismic consequences.

I got myself a lawyer and we've had a pretty bloody year but divorcing under the circumstances was right. My kids have lost their family unit and that has been devastating but I have helped them through it and they're beginning to come out the other end. It's not been fun but I shudder to think where we'd be if we'd kept the family together in the circumstances.

This is better - at least we all know what we're facing. Your husband has betrayed you all and his daughters know this on some level. The best thing you can do for them is listen, listen, listen. There's not much advice to give. Just let them rage.

It's a fucking shit situation and you have my deepest sympathy. You will come through it though and your daughters will respect you if you respect yourself.

OP,

Sorry I've not written a proper response before - hard to do with H looking over shoulder all weekend.

First, I hope things have improved with your DD and that she's managing her feelings better. Again, even if your DD wants to see you back together, that is a choice you and your H must make yourselves. DD may give input, but I would hope it would be supportive. Can your daughter access some kind of counselling at her university? Don't want to sound harsh, she sounds like she must be in her early 20s - what is her emotional maturity level like? Honestly that's kind of disappointing to hear that at that age, she isn't able to think about how that makes you feel worse. I don't have older children, but from my own experience going through as a child of a very acrimonious split, at 18 I was mature enough not to take my feelings out on my parents.

In terms of support, I think the best you can do is just tell her that you both still love her, and will continue to do so and support her even if it's separately. And also that none of it is her fault (wonder if she thinks she did something to cause it?). No need to badmouth the other party (divorce lawyer i consulted made it very clear you don't go there...), that will make it harder for everyone all around. I also think that if he wants to sit down and talk with DD, that is between the two of them now - I don't think you need to intercede between them. She, and he, are both adults.

I do suggest again if she's not able to handle this, perhaps she can go to counselling at university, but I don't think you should let her get too involved in the details of your breakup/reconciliation. And I think this is something you should bring up for yourself in your own counselling sessions.

I hope that wasn't too preachy, and I really hope you have gotten some impartial advice from a trained counsellor, who is able to help you work through all the different feelings that come with something like this. There are also lots of books you can try to read to sort through your feelings (Not Just Friends, Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay, What Makes Love Last, there's also a book about languages of saying Sorry that might help if you think you could accept your husband's remorse).

To the OP, your post has finally triggered me to join and contribute to discussion. I discovered in January that my husband of 20 years had been having an affair for 5 months with a childhood friend he had found again through the dreaded fb. The devastation caused is a daily hell and I feel bereft again and again. I feel trapped in a marriage that I feel must have meant nothing to him even though he says of course it did. I don't feel we have a future but I don't want to give up either. He severed contact but I feel he misses her! Of course they were together primarily for sex so I can't help but compare myself to her. Our children are older and it has devastated them but they are desperate to remain children of parents who are together. Like you I am financially dependent on my husband. I have been a sahm since we married by choice so have no work skills or confidence to return to the workplace. We sought couples counselling which was of no help, he sought individual counselling but that was also pretty much a waste of time. It is very hard each day to wake up to the same feelings. I don't cry every day any more but am continually surprised at the wave of emotions that floor me. I am reasonably attractive, slim, look after myself etc. I put my husband first and made his home life a walk in the park with no demands on him etc but I feel like I've been a door mat. It is very hard to have self respect. I know it is not my fault in anyway but that is of no help even though it should. So I can't offer any advice just a friend going through the same. Good luck with all your decisions. Don't rush to make any firm plans. Every thing I've read says at least 2 years of dealing with the grief and I'm only 10 months in and nothing is clearer for me so 5 months is way too soon x

Just been reading this thread (after doing a search for long affair), clearly am a bit late to the party...

I am in a similar position as many of you having discovered last summer that my DH of nearly 20 years had a 2.5 year affair (which stopped on discovery).

My world has been in a spin since and even though I/we have had lots of good counselling since July, I'm still no clearer which direction to take. This thread has so much thoughtful advice I thought it might be worth the cud now we're all some months down the line as I'm just wondering how you, OP, and other posters, are getting on and if you have come to any life changing decisions yet?

hi anotherlife

I didn't see this thread at the time, but I'm another who found out about an affair after 20 years of marriage. would be interested to hear how OP is doing.

I left. And have since found out that when he admitted the affair from a few years previously and was acting remorseful, he was actually in the middle of another affair and has been lying to me and our DCs about it since we split. It's been hell, but at least I feel now that I'm on the road to recovery.

I know that some people do manage to get over an affair and rebuild their marriage, but I think in the majority of cases the damage is too great.

Wow. That is hard to believe. How can men behave so appallingly?

Can I ask NotJanine how old your kids are? My children are the reason I'm finding my next move so very hard to determine. Mine are teens and their only experiences of divorced parents amongst their friends are children who have been pretty disturbed by breakups and aren't dealing with it too well. It is just so distressing to contemplate putting them through a divorce.

I've literally thought about every possible option in terms of next steps and one is to spend the next five years 'getting my ducks in order', sorting out myself (emotionally, financially, physically & workwise as I've also been a SAHM) so I'm ready to leap when they have left home. Does that sound completely mad?

Really didn't expect to find myself in this godawful place at this age...

I've not even shared the worst of it. People that I've told are totally shocked, they said they didn't think things like this happened in real life! It is like living in a drama series, I'm hoping for a happy ending.

My DC are mid/late teens. They've actually handled it really well. As long as they have their phones/laptops/friends then they're happy. Where I have moved to with with them is actually much better for them.

I don't think you should wait. Your DC may feel guilty in the future if they realise that was what you were doing. Life is too short, don't plan to be happy in the future, be happy now.

Hi, I know your thread is two years old, but when I read it, it was so similar to my story, I just had to make contact. I am 54 and found out last week that my husband of 34 years (we have been together since I was 17) has been having an affair for two years. I had no idea and am devastated. She is a woman from work who is in her early forties (he is 55) it is so cliche, it is unbelievable. He has moved out and tells me he is living on his own and that she will not be moving in with him for the foreseeable future, but he is still seeing her. He tells me that he thought he wanted to be with her, but now he has moved out and he doesn't have to worry about me finding out, it has changed everything and he doesn't know what to do, his head is all over the place. I am at a loss, my children have left home and I am struggling. I just wanted to ask you, how things are going with you now that two years have passed. Good I hope