Separation....after a lot of unhappiness

[Springwater123]

Hello. I have been reading lots of posts about relationships that come to an abrupt end because (not always) the man seems to have a sudden change of character and calls time. My own experience of this started about 3 years ago when my partner of 16 years wrote a letter to me (whilst 'he had the nerve') to say he was perfectly happy and he loved me BUT he had been harbouring 'reckless thoughts' about other women for years and years. He also said the a friend of ours had become his ultimate teenage wet dream and that he was on the cusp of a relationship with her. There followed the usual emotional turmoil, sessions at Relate, we were mad about each other but it was all very driven by his ideas on sex. I longed for the intimacy we used to have, the humour and dialogue between us was still there but he had an elevated expectation of sex and was quite often anxious that he didn't know if he could fulfil another woman or not. There was about 12 months of that, then another 12 months of him withdrawing from me and my friends and finally he started to block out our 3 children. He wouldn't be naked in front of me, we hadn't had any sex for months and he said that although he couldn't think he knew he felt very uncomfortable around me. I asked him to leave early on in December last year and he hasn't looked back. He seems much happier, we have very little contact with each other and I am nearly 9 months down the line and feel just as confused, emotionally starved of affection and down right heartbroken. I just wondered how anyone actually goes about picking up the pieces. Our house is happier now that his tense presence has gone, my children are happier and he is happier but I am still wondering where the beautiful man of mine disappeared to and miss the bones of him every day. He doesn't look at me like he hates me anymore, I went back to our Relate counsellor and she said our situation was one of the bleakest she'd dealt with and I had every right to feel very angry. I just feel sad and completely lost. I would appreciate any sort of a perspective on this!! Thank you

I should probably add that my husband had diagnosed himself as polyamorous, anxious and depressed but refused to seek any help. I tried very hard to sustain him through all this, probably to the detriment of my own mental health. This whole period last over 2 years but he was atleast trying to communicate with me. It was the last 12 months that he withdrew from our relationship, was passive/aggressive, bouts of hysterical crying and sleeping pinned to the edge of the bed. I think about all of this and still feel the love for him - he seems so happy now that I'm attracted to him, it is like he is his old self (but doesn't want an 'us' ever again). So, I try to see him as little as possible and try to keep communication civil but minimal which has helped but I feel stuck now in a sort of tearful misery. I do feel like everyone wants me to move on and it has been long enough!!

Hi op. Sounds like a very tough time. I would advise to reduce contact to actual bare minimum and depending on how old dcs are let them do it themselves. I don't know why men just seem to suddenly change. Do you think you love the idea of him and how things were more than the reality of what how he is now? He sounds like he is not the same person. I do think they have like a mid life crisis.

It's really good that your home and dcs are happier. You now need to be kind to yourself and let yourself move on. It is like a grieving process for what you lost and the loss of what you thought you would have. The only thing I found was time helped. As the first of each thing happens it gets easier. Make new memories. Put new photos of you and the kids up. Make plans on the calendar.

Minime85 - thank you so much for your message. It has really helped clear my mind. Yes, contact to a bare minimum is the aim of the game: things like it is chaotic when he collects the children, so I drop them off help and don't get left in an empty flat after he has been in it. I am really trying to let go, he is their Dad so he sees them, nothing more. He isn't able to or just won't communicate with me, like a teenage boy. If I think like that, it isn't quite so unbearable!

The arrangements around handover sound like a good move. You certainly aren't the first person to come to view the ex as a teenage boy...

Thanks 12purpleapples. This situation is about a million miles away from where i want to be. Some days feel almost impossible, trying to get a foot hold on making a new life without turning into a complete nutter myself. I do have times when I feel excited about the future. Hope all is well with you x

I don't let ex in house if he collects them. He isn't awful but it's my house and no need for him to come in. That helped once moved out of marital home too. We speak amiably about the children and that is 3 years later so you will find a balance. You will also feel better in yourself.