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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Hard to articulate why I want to separate

21 replies

TimeToDoIt · 30/07/2016 17:54

I just don't love him.

I think he's a great guy, a wonderful dad, smart and admirable.

But the real reason I want out is that he bores me, I'm not attracted to him and counselling has made me realise that I've never loved him.

But obviously I can't say any of this if I want to have any kind of productive co-parenting relationship post-separation, which leaves me with stuff that just sounds lame and not like grounds for separation at all.

"We've grown apart."
"I'm not happy."

Stuff like that. It's too arguable, isn't it? He'll try to change or suggest counselling if I say that stuff. I don't want him to change. I don't want counselling. I want to not be married to him.

OP posts:

FiveFullFathoms · 30/07/2016 18:03

I want to not be married to him.

That's all the reason you need. You need to tell him you wish to seperate in such a way that he understands it is not up for discussion. You are simply telling him what will happen and that you need to work together to make things as painless for the children as possible.

Sometimes couples jointly decide to seperate but sometimes one person makes the decision because they are not happy. You are not happy. You no longer find him interesting, you are no longer attracted to him, you don't love him. Counselling hasn't changed this.

Can I ask why you are so reluctant to tell him your reasons? You don't need to be needlessly cruel but you need to make sure he understands that there is no coming back from where you are. He will probably be very upset but it shouldn't preclude a co-parenting relationship unless he is difficult generally.

Original poster

TimeToDoIt · 30/07/2016 18:05

Can I ask why you are so reluctant to tell him your reasons?

Cowardice. I read a blog earlier where someone said that tears are their kryptonite. That's me. I'm a chronic people pleaser and procrastinator and am just scared, pure and simple.

OP posts:

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 30/07/2016 18:10

You can, and should, be honest with him, but kindly. Tell him you are no longer attracted to him and are no longer in love with him. There's no need to say you never did, never were & no need to say he bores you.

He cannot argue with you no longer being attracted to him or in love with him - he can try to argue that 'he can change' or ask you to try again, but if you stick to not being attracted to him or bring in love with him and wanting the opportunity to find that again, then he'll have to accept it.

FiveFullFathoms · 30/07/2016 18:10

That's understandable. Telling my ex that I was leaving becuse I didn't love him was hard to do and hard for him to hear. I put it off for 3 months. But telling him in such a way as to give him false hope that we would reconcile would have been crueler.

Original poster

TimeToDoIt · 30/07/2016 18:30

I know. God I'm so scared.

OP posts:

Runningissimple · 01/08/2016 01:26

My ex could have written this and he didn't have the guts to end it right with me. He should have. Instead he had an affair and we've had a horrible divorce. If he'd been up front I would have been devastated but after 6 months would have come to the realisation that I am better off without him. As the 'boring but nice' partner, I can promise you that your husband deserves better than being in a relationship with someone who does not value him. It's hard work trying and failing to be loveable all the time. If he's as nice as you claim, he'll move on and hopefully find a relationship with someone who loves him properly (if that's what he wants).
Tell him you don't love him anymore and that you want to separate, give him six months with a cobbled together separation so he can grieve and get his head round it. Then sort out the practicalities properly. Respect his pace. Be decent to him, be honest and hopefully you can remain civilised.

Runningissimple · 01/08/2016 01:27

Apologies for lack of paragraphs... I'm not sure where they went.

Maybe double return?

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 01/08/2016 09:21

Yes it's scary. It's not easy to hurt someone you care about. But it's worse to let them keep living a lie and for yourself, once you've done it, the relief is immense. IME though, even as 'the leaver' it's not easy, it still hurts like hell. The sadness at it not turning out how you expected, the worry you didn't 'try hard enough', the upset at losing the shared history etc. It's right, not easy.

lifeisunjust · 01/08/2016 11:05

Honestly I would not want to be married to someone who places their happiness above their marriage vows, their partner, their children.

Just tell him. Don't have an affair. Tell him. Make allowances it is your decision, expect it to be you that moves out.

needresolution · 01/08/2016 11:11

This was how I felt 2 yrs ago, it was an awful time. I moved out with the kids as he became unbearingly stubborn. I met someone else quite quickly but I grieved throughout. He never tried to sort anything out I gave him an olive branch several times but he dismissed it.
Hes now got a younger gf and they go out on day trips etc what I wanted to do as a family when he didn't want to and it hurts but I have to accept that I pulled the plug, its very sad.

Original poster

TimeToDoIt · 01/08/2016 11:21

lifeisunjust I don't understand your thinking. Am I supposed to live my life miserable? For a set of promises I made when I was little more than a kid? And are my children supposed to grow up thinking that adult relationships are like this? Civil, competent, joyless? I want better for them than I've had. I want them to have relationships where they're open and joyful and affectionate and really into each other. Not all of those things all the time, I'm not unrealistic, but years of this tepid flatness is a terrible model for them.

Thank you, everyone who has contributed to this, even people who told me things that were less easy to hear. I began the conversation last night. It was horrible, and I had a major wobble that I wasn't doing the right thing just beforehand.

This morning, I know I am. I am taking it slow, in the sense that I didn't come right out and say it's over, full stop, because as some people have said, it's not fair to blindside him completely. He deserves some thinking time. But I said that I'm not happy and haven't been for a long time. We'll see what happens now.

OP posts:

Runningissimple · 01/08/2016 11:37

You feel guilty because you're basically saying to the other parent of your children:

"Oops shit. Changed my mind. Now you have to only see your kids half the time and be plunged into financial instability. I know you're happy now because obvs I'm bloody brilliant to live with but I find you a dull and unattractive, so soz! I know you're trying but overall I really could do better. Laters."

It's horrible. But hey it comes with it's own karma.

Also, don't expect your ex to be friendly. You've totally fucked them over. They may not want to be friends. That's their prerogative. If you napalm someone's life they may not be interested in some olive branch even if they're being civilised for the children. FFS.

needresolution · 01/08/2016 11:53

But if you've tried to explain your feelings over and over and they ignore you/bury there head in the sand - that's OK?!

lifeisunjust · 01/08/2016 11:54

Runningissimple has it spot on, pity the OP cannot understand the grief she will cause, but it will be far worse if she doesn't just get it over with now.

Marriage vows, they really should be read and understood. Life is not all roses and those who don't like the bad, well they should simply think very hard. Marriage if for EVERYONE, sometimes happy, sometimes not. Everyone's happiness / sadness should be taken into consideration. Too late now for the OP. Get it over and done and allow the husband and children to have the most civil opportunity to adjust.

Runningissimple · 01/08/2016 11:55

You don't have to live your life being miserable. If you married him not loving him and he's a decent guy that's unfuckingbelievably shit for him. Your kids may well be grateful for you leaving your tepid marriage but it may not be in the way you expect... Once you open Pandora's box, there's no putting the lid back on.

I'm not actually as judgemental as these posts probably suggest. If you're decent to him and fair, you'll probably emerge alright in about 18 months.

Be gentle, be honest and give him the time he needs to adjust. He will accept it but it will be hard.

Runningissimple · 01/08/2016 11:58

What exactly do you want him to do? Maybe take some responsibility for your own happiness...

My ex told he was unhappy endlessly. I tied myself in knots trying to be "better". It's such a relief to not have to do that anymore.

needresolution · 01/08/2016 12:03

I know I worked hard at my marriage - shame he didn't, he became lazier maybe that was my fault too.

Runningissimple · 01/08/2016 12:33

You see the thread started with you saying he was great, now it's his fault the marriage didn't work out. This is so familiar. You want to leave and it's his fault... Lazy,boring old unattractive him. Poor you, feeling all guilty when it's not even your fault.

Leave OP but OWN it... It will be better for both of you in the longer term...

I'll leave the thread now because I'm not going to be constructive. See - that's me owning my increasingly snarky responses.

Being dumped has given me a highly sensitive bullshit radar

needresolution · 01/08/2016 12:39

This isn't my thread but it resonates with me, I have owned by decision and moved on.

Dozer · 01/08/2016 12:44

If you've never loved him and fully intend to leave, don't string him along with the "I'm not happy", "let's try" stuff, the poor bloke will be miserable, just state clearly that it's over - no need to justify that decision - and plan to live separately.

PiafPilaf · 16/08/2016 21:52

Just please don't do it all in one go. Please don't tell him you don't love him, it's over, there's no going back, and phone a solicitor the next day and rent somewhere else the day after and sell your wedding ring the day after that. Somebody has just done that to my best friend and they've not had time to digest one bombshell before she drops another one on him. Please be gentle and don't be surprised or put out if he shouts and cries and screams.

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