why will my ex not grow up!

[nonladyofleisure]

My ex is literally destroying me mentally!

He controls everything to do with my son and he gets away with everything

From access to maintenance to mental abuse to not even paying tax he's just a massive Arse!

I don't have the money for court or mediation and he knows this so just continues to do it.

I could stop access but who is it affecting the most?

Just spoke to my son on the phone after I was allowed a phone call and my son sounded like a younger version of his dad laughing down the phone at me with his dad that isn't even my son!

How do I get control back over my life and get my ex to behave like a normal human being?

See his son when he's meant to stop mentally and emotionally abusing me (I'm in tears right now because I agreed to let my son stay an extra day and I fucking regret it!! As he would normally be at home by now I don't even know where he lives!

He controls literally everything! He chucks his clothes away that I buy, he only gives me money if he feels like it and just changes the amounts when he wants to. If I whinge he says go to the CSA ( I did this before and they told me that he only earned £5 per week) he taunts me constantly. He has people spying on me and sends me messages like little riddles to abuse me more.

The police are absolutely useless. It's like he's swallowed a law book to how to abuse your ex completely legally. He's managed to beat me up in the past and get away with it. He's also a drug dealer and no one gives a shit. Apparently I can't get him to stop contacting me as we have a child together and he needs to speak to me to access the child.

What the hell do I do?

I'm a bit confused why you let your son go with his physically abusive, neglectful, drug dealing father. If those concerns are genuine then they are child protection concerns. If the school knew your child was staying in that environment they would probably put in a mash referall as it could be thought he's at risk of significant harm. I have had to stop a 50/50 custody arrangement recently due to violent domestics, alcohol abuse and uncontrolled mental health issues in the other household. It's caused me ten tons of shit and a fuckload of hassle and abuse but it wasn't a safe environment for my child. X

9 years you said? And you have a 6 year old son?

You've had some good advice which does work. (Been there)

Eliminate him from your life as much as you can.

Block him from FB and also others who may "report back" to him. (It happens and it's not always the person you imagine).

Buy a cheap £10 pay as you go phone just so he can contact you. Do not let him have your day to day phone number. Do the same with an email account. One just for him so you do not get horrible reminders and it takes away the fear in daily life.

Get someone else to read his emails and texts for you. They can relay important information without exposing you to the crap.

Keep the abusive texts and emails and avoid all conversations with him. Keep everything in writing so you have a printout as evidence when you need. Courts like facts.

Keep a diary with all the dates and times. Your son being dumped at your doorstep for instance. Be meticulous in your record keeping. It also helps to build a sense of control.

Investigate the Freedom project and get advice and support from them.

Do something for yourself, take up running, keep fit, sewing, creating, adult learning. You need to build confidence in you.

Try not to talk about him and the wrongs he has done. Yes he's a controlling shit but talking about it to anyone who will listen is ultimately focusing attention on him not re-building your life.

Photograph your son's clothing when he goes to his Dad and also when he gets back. Keep records! Better still buy a cheap t shirt and joggers and only send him in this. You do not have to provide clothing or a toothbrush ect... Your Son is not a guest, it is supposed to be his other home and these things should be there for him.

It's all damage limitation. Keep strong and NEVER bad mouth your Ex in front of your child. EVER. (Forgive yourself if you have - we're all human).

Keep a diary of all those things your Son says which concern you and date them.

Massive hug to you. It's terrifying and absolute shite but keep your dignity and you will survive.