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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Do I confront my husband's mistress

22 replies

Loopy567 · 30/05/2016 09:25

I was loved my husband dearly. We had a good life and we have two wonderful and much loved children together. Out of the blue my husband told me Christmas 2014 that he was unhappy in our marriage. In February 2015 he went to a local and expensive Spa Hotel for a day to "relax" from his job. He came home with his "welcome pack" and two other packs in two ladies names. My husband then said in February 2015 that he had changed his mind he was happy in our marriage. In April I caught my husband on the phone to another woman last year. I confronted him straight away. It transpired that it was one of the "ladies" who went to the Spa with him. I have since discovered that she is one of many both before and after she came on the scene although I believe she has been around the longest. They work together and I also know she is married with a young child.
I have been in contact with her over the phone as I wanted her to know my heartbreak. She refused. She was more concerned about herself and that I would make her cry! My husband has prevaricated over everything but he has finally accepted my grounds of divorce, namely adultery.
I asked my husband not to contact this woman whilst he was in the house or with our children. He has failed to do on countless occasions.
He also said he couldn't afford to pay for the family food but in October he took her to London for an expensive day out. He has also bought her clothes and champagne.
Question is do I confront her and tell her the truth (yes as I see it)? My husband has cheated on her as well as me and I want her to know the hurt and humiliation they have both caused. They are both professionals with a certain standing in the local community.

OP posts:

Squeegle · 30/05/2016 09:27

Nope
Just get rid of your deceptive husband. Not really her issue is it?

Squeegle · 30/05/2016 09:28

He sounds like he's been not what you thought. I get that you at hurt and humiliated, but it's now time to accept he's been less than honest and get him out ASAP

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 30/05/2016 09:29

It won't change anything.
Won't child maintenance be deducted from your ex's salary? Not sure how it works.

Lunar1 · 30/05/2016 09:30

I wouldn't confront her, but I would let her husband know. He needs the chance to get an sti check too. Really sorry you are going through all this.

CodyKing · 30/05/2016 09:38

She's not at fault - he is - he choses to go away weekends and treat her with your money -

Kick him out

jclm · 30/05/2016 09:44

Steer well clear of the other woman. You're barking up the wrong tree!

Instead tackle your marriage.

PurpleWithRed · 30/05/2016 09:48

Nope - it's your cheating DH you need to direct your anger at. He's the one who's done you the damage knowing how much it will hurt you and your family. He's a philandering bastard. Get a proper financial arrangement in place so he can't spend your money (your and his money are joint property in marriage) on champagne for his 'ladies' instead of food.

Sofabitch · 30/05/2016 09:51

This is between you and him. Leave her out of it.
No good will come from it. People find it too easy to blame the other person. But truth is the OW could be anyone. It's irrelevant.

Also if you've now left him I don't junk it's very fair that you have any say over when he now contacts the OW.

It's not always pretty being the OW. She will be very aware of the pain and hurt. Speaking to her won't make her anymore aware or you feel better.

Best to move on

Thinker03 · 30/05/2016 09:57

I would definitely find a way of letting her know about what kind of triangle she has got into. To be honest you probably have more in common than you think...maybe her husband had cheated on her and now she's feeling really low and looking for a way out...what about writing her a letter. I wouldn't make any irrational or emotional decisions cos they are not usually the best ones and the ones you regret. Take a couple of days to think before deciding what to do...

Soila · 30/05/2016 09:57

Cannot add anymore really. The "contract" is between you and your husband - not her. If it wasn't her then it would be someone else. She's not the issue.

CoolforKittyCats · 30/05/2016 10:02

No don't.

flumpybear · 30/05/2016 10:03

Get rid!!!

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 30/05/2016 10:04

What she will know, from him, is that you are crazy....that he hasn't had sex with you for the past 20 years...that you don't understand him, that he regrets having ever married you etc etc etc.

She will learn soon enough what kind of twat your husband is. You have already learned.

You just need to get him out completely now. And gird your loins for when the sad sad little man comes back with his flaccid dick between his legs begging for your forgiveness because the grass wasn't, after all, greener on the other side.

Retain your dignity. Stop calling her his "mistress". That's unedifying. Don't call her anything, and don't call her again. You might find yourself on the other end of a harassment order if you do.

orangebird69 · 30/05/2016 10:05

What do you expect to achieve from it? As the saying goes on MN, you have a Dh problem. LTB

glenthebattleostrich · 30/05/2016 10:11

I don't get this attitude on MNHQ that the OW must be kept out of things, she's in your marriage because she's screwing your husband. That's not to say the husband doesn't have the majority of the blame but the OW deserves contempt too.

OP, I would let her husband know because his health is being put at risk and he deserves to be allowed to make a decision about his marriage.

WaspsandBeesSting · 30/05/2016 10:15

Don'the unless you want to end up with a harassment order.

orangebird69 · 30/05/2016 10:33

OP, I would let her husband know because his health is being put at risk and he deserves to be allowed to make a decision about his marriage.

Such a bullshit excuse....

SandyY2K · 11/06/2016 23:10

Have you told her husband yet?
The OW is very much a part of the problem. Why people say she isn't is beyond me.

You can't cheat by yourself.

The other betrayed spouse should know what's going on.

Lonecatwithkitten · 12/06/2016 09:10

Having been where you are and with the benefit of hindsight here are my thoughts
She will have painted a picture of you partly from what your H has said and partly to justify herself. If you confront her she will manipulate that confrontation to further confirm her picture of you. Whilst hard to do barely acknowledging her existence and rising above is much, much more annoying to her because it totally contradicts her picture.
Write all the stuff you are feeling down in a journal that no one ever sees and in public be the swan.

It will irritate her a lot, but you will appear the better person.

PacificDogwod · 12/06/2016 09:13

The OW deserves contempt as she is cheating on her husband. And that has nothing to do with you.

You should focus your anger on that useless excuse for a man you call husband. Get shot of him and she will cease to be any kind of problem for you.

Truly, you are concentrating on the wrong person here.

Hubnut · 20/06/2016 22:34

I confronted the OW. It made me feel briefly better at the time but in hindsight I shouldn't have. It just escalated into nasty exchanges of texts between me and her at a time I was already really low and hurt. I now REALLY despise her cos of the texts and that hatred is an obstacle to moving on. It makes it doubly hard to consider our child staying under her roof and to hear about mutual friends including her in invitations to ex. I suspect our spat just eased her guilt over her part in the cheating.

CommonBurdock · 21/06/2016 11:10

No, read the DM today and the lovely story about what happened when a betrayed wife did just that.

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