Now mid40s, low earner and perimenopausal, he had the best years of my kife, wants no counselling, talking about trading me in for younger model for 2nd family (claims no ow yet), how not to be bitter

[SortingStuffStill]

Tables turned, he's late 40s high earning man, am mid 40s low earning woman. He'll be dating younger and soon right and i might pull a 60 year old? . He was fairly humdrum, few friends, not earning much, in debt, negative equity, not a looker when we met, married and had kids... i was quite attractive (i was told), had a career, lots of savings, own flat, had a couple of other men interested at the same time. And now?! He has his own teeth, hair is a man and earns a lot, high social/sexual status, yes? Would all the men still after me please form an orderly queue...

Aware am being petty and men hardly a priority right now, kids & me to sort first - i am neither ready nor willing to date t'yet. And heard such horror stories anout dating as a forty-something women, am utterly put off even going there. Better get me cats i had NO idea quite how polarised this would be. Served a function, disposed of and now of low value to others (apart from my kids, hopefully)

Aware am selfpitying but this is v raw and new. Not posting much about my kids yet- obviously the most important thing- as need to get my head around a couple of things first to be the bigger person i need to be to deal with ex and sort things out for them.

And sadly RL support lacking- my friends are either new as tecently moved (so cant dump on them), overseas or dispersed around uk/dealing with their own crises. My parents, sibling totally unsble to offer either emotional or practical support it seems. Mum blames me for divorce (which she thinks is morally wrong when kids involved) and when, first time seen them sonce split, i said needed a little TLC she suggested joininh a support group then changed the subject snd asked me about the traffic...not even a hug. My dad meanwhile is either teary or chucking platitudes/ridiculous stories of women shafting their dhs fininaciallyon divorce. Which is what i can do, apparently. Clueless and worse than useless.

Right the advice everyone is giving you is get yo a solicitor. It doesn't matter whether you inflame him because it will happen anyway the difference is the solicitor removes all the bullshit.
You are no longer his priority and neither are the children you brought into the world it's now all about him. He wants to keep lawyers out if it great, he can sign on the dotted line of the documents that solicitors have to draft anyway and that will reduce his costs. And if he's going to be an arsehole you will find that out now not in three years time when you've been completely stitched up and are out of money.

Don't forget his pension, just had a forecast for mine and even though I have worked all my life I have lost 18 months off my total benefits due to reduced hours/maternity leave etc - pretty peed off about that. Make sure you are financially secure for life.
xx

Thanks, both. Trying to get my head tound next step. Head a mess! And sorry to hear that, Local.

sorting - sorry about the lack of real life support. I was in a similar situation unfortunately - family were useless and few RL friends nearby to lean on. Listen to the people on here - make that solicitor's appointment today - Pisssssedofff's advice is spot on.

PM me if you want.

Hi - no! I am the first wife- he is already speaking about desire to meet someone and 'maybe' have more kids! Wasn't and aren't the ow.

Thanks, Lolly and Pissssd, just wary as my other thread had posters say avoid lawyers as far as poss, RL divorced friend said the same. Am scared!

And dont want my lawyer to be an expensive (nonlegal) counsel to compensate for my rl lack pf support. Will have a think.

You know what people on Mumsnet gave me their numbers to be my support in real life and I'm more than happy to do that for you. The inital consultation with a lawyer will cost you £250 ish and shows you mean business. Then get the forms you need signing and put them under his nose to sign .... His reaction to that will tell you if he's going to be amicable or not. I have twenty emails from my ex telling me not to be so silly, of course you are getting the house, we don't need lawyers. Guess what now I'm not 🤔

Thanks, Pisssssed, you're very kind. . People are unbelievably kind on here.

He will tell you what is fair! And be very nasty if you don't agree....is what I suspect will happen. It's a hideous life experience but one you will survive somehow. Look after yourself and don't believe a word of what "he says".

I have twenty emails from my ex telling me not to be so silly, of course you are getting the house, we don't need lawyers.

In my case I was getting half of everything - what I didn't realise that there were assets that I knew nothing about. He took early retirement and goes on 3 or 4 long haul holidays a year. I will be working for some time yet.

sorting you really need to think about the long term - if he does get a wife and new family, where will that leave your children financially?

Yes, those are my fears- very fact he's already mentioning 2nd family, callous bastard from what ive rwad, i should go for clean break deal now before he goes pff leaving his current kids and impregnating someone else.

You don't need to make decisions now about the type of settlement - go to a solicitor and listen to their advice. Make some notes before you go and stick to the point when you are there.

Nobody is suggesting that you try and bleed him dry but you should get what is fair and what you and your children are entitled to and only you can make sure that that happens. He will be thinking only about himself right now so you need to put you and your children's needs first.

At this stage see a solicitor. If you are ready the solicitor will then draft a letter that you approve saying you want a divorce. Forms will then get sent out asking for full disclosure of your debts and assets, salary, living costs and pensions. Once you have this info then you and solicitor can agree what you need. You don't need to worry about any of that now as it will takes months to get to that stage. You are doing well. The best advice I had and still get is that he isn't your Rock anymore. In most cases they don't care and want to move on as quickly as possible and with minimum fuss. You have to protect yourself for now and the future in terms of loss of salary and earning potential given up to have kids.

Your parents sound so hurtful. Neither of those reactions are needed or deserved

Thanks, yes am in shock as it is and surprised still st their total inability to show any empathy for their daughter.
Feeling v v raw. He is being more and more cruel. Checked my position and it doesn't seem great. But will be okay, i guess. I want to be shot of him now, to be living apart but probably long way off before we can do that.

Fidella, no worries, I was rather incoherent probably when I wrote that.

so sorry. so painful.

do what you possibly can do. Due to illness etc only negotiating my divorce after 7 years and they get meaner. Try to get going earlier. He is not your friend and he will shaft you if he can. look how he has treated you so far. You do want to involve a lawyer as you need kids and your interests protected. Do not forget about pensions!

This 99 p e book with proceeds going to charity is very useful to understand the legal situation and she has a useful forum too: www.marilynstowe.co.uk/2015/10/19/divorce-breaking-the-news/

Have you been to a solicitor ? I am a student and in benefits and mine wants £2,000 off me now to give me the house I was promised three years ago. Lower than a snakes belly. I just want rid of him