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Divorce/separation

Newly seperated. Help.

40 replies

Cb112 · 21/03/2016 20:05

I'm 26 and met my now ex husband at 16. We only married in March last year so we were blissfully happy. He sent me and our two children to portugal for a nice long holiday before our move to london in October last year. He said it would help us save for the deposit in london. I didn't see him for the first 6 weeks because he couldn't afford to see us while moving jobs. After that was every 2 weeks and we had a lovely happy time. Christmas new year was great. All of a sudden January he started ignoring me. I didn't know when I was getting out of Portugal and day by day if he did make contact with me he'd be nasty. Every weekend he'd see me he'd say sorry. He said he was so depressed I believed him totally. Then he stopped telling me he loved me. I asked him. Then he dropped the bomb shell on me by text. He fell in love in October with a Swedish with blue hair and sent me off back to my mum's in Essex 2weeks ago. So now I'm here. I'm so lost. As if its a dream. He's giving me 2weeks to get my head round it so no seeing us. Which is what I need.
7 months he stayed faithful in my marriage to him. He I said pressured him into moving.
He lied to me for months giving me hope and still made love to me on his visits.
I can't express how crushed I truly am. I feel so alone. Devastated.
I don't think I'm ugly. Not fat. All I can think of is it must be my personality. I must have a boring one. Our boys are great. He has a good relationship with them and I will help him with that but I am broken and i don't want to be.

OP posts:
Cb112 · 28/03/2016 16:50

Just found out ex moves into his new own place tomorrow. Well and truly over.

OP posts:
holeinmyheart · 29/03/2016 08:19

I haven't replied sooner as the internet is pants here. It is like watching paint dry. It keeps cutting out.
I am sorry, as each time you find out things about him and what he is up to, hurts you. It would be best not to try. I know that you can't help wanting to know but it is like sticking pins in your own eyes.
Concentrate on yourself. Surely if he can afford to move within London, then he can afford to send you money for the upkeep of the boys and yourself? You presumably have applied for benefits. You need to have what you are entitled to. The CAB will advise you.
i am so sorry that you are suffering.
Xx

Cb112 · 30/03/2016 01:50

I'm ok.
Not talking to him. Mums doing it. So I feel much better not talking to him.
Off Thursday for our week away. Then he sees boys 12th next with my mum. I don't want to see him xxx Smile

OP posts:
holeinmyheart · 30/03/2016 08:31

Hi,
You are off to Newcastle? It will do you good to be with a friend. Try and fit in some enjoyment of something while you are there. I think you are right to let your Mum deal with him, as if you speak to him or see him it could lead to you breaking down.
I am still of the opinion that he will come crawling back. He met you when he was 16, so hasn't had many experience regarding relationships. He may not realise that the sort of heady lovey dovy feeling doesn't last. It gets replaced by something else.
However, he needs not to see you, or have you speak to him as he may think he has a bird in the hand as well as one in the bush. The fact that he has been so cruel, makes me feel that he thinks he can say anything to you, and you will still be there for him.
He sounds pretty childish.
Anyway the most important person to you should be you. Are the boys going with you?
When Madelaine McCann's Mum, Kate McCann sought the best help from an expensive child psychiatrist about what to tell the twins, regarding Madelaines disappearance, he said ' tell them the truth'
So I think you should answer your boys questions if they ask, truthfully. But without adding the expletives and embellishments and slagging off. Tempting as it is to say, your Dad has abandoned us and is a lump of s. They will not feel like you feel. I think they will never forget what he did.
Have a good time . X

Cb112 · 03/04/2016 11:23

So much for a break away! Currently been in hospital since Friday as my 6 year old had his croup turn into an extremely bad case of Scarlet fever. Hes been put on a drip but with any luck he can take med orally and eat and drink today so we can leave. I've had my sister in law visiting and my friend is looking after my youngest. My sons father should have been here Friday and was told our son had croup a week ago but still decided not to tell anyone and piss off to Germany with his New girlfriend this weekend. Quite shocking actually. But apparently he's coming to Newcastle Monday to Tuesday to visit the boy's I wont be seeing him though. I decided I will move up north. I know I'm on my own now. I can do it. And I can afford it here alone.
Will update you soon xxx

OP posts:
holeinmyheart · 03/04/2016 22:34

Gosh I am sorry about your DS. How awful and scary. There is nothing worse than your children being ill. Scarlet Fever is quite rare? Is it. The poor little thing. I hope the hospital looked after him well.
You must be utterly exhausted.
Sorry that I haven't replied sooner, the Internet here is rubbish and has been off for hours and I had a migraine this morning.
I think the more you're X sees her the better as the more he sees her the more the shine will wear off.
I don't think you should see him though.
I think your plan to live in Newcastle and make a new life is good. You will be able to get a better house and it is not like living down South. I think the pace of life is slower.
I thinks are improving regarding your DS. Xx

Eustace2016 · 08/04/2016 13:13

Your children will have more ,life opportunities in London or Esse than Ireland or Newcaslte (and I am from Newcastle) and your chance of getting a well paid full time job is likely to be higher in Essex or London. Can you not move into a rented place near your mother when you feel you have to move out from her place?

Also I think there is a moral duty to keep children near where their father is even if he is seeing a girl with blue hair.

holeinmyheart · 08/04/2016 13:52

What! I don't think that it is possible to get decent affordable accommodation in the South. The pace of life is much gentler in the North. I don't think this OP has much of an obligation to anyone except herself.
She hasn't abandoned her DCs , her Ex has. Don't you think he has the moral obligation not to abandon his children?
I don't think your reply is not much help to someone who is extremely depressed.

Eustace2016 · 08/04/2016 15:31

But if you put the boot on the other foot and he was planning to move the children hundreds of miles from her you'd see how cruel that can be. Also the grandmother is in Essex any way so there seems no reason other than spite to move children to financially dpressed areas away from all family. In fact the father might get a specific issues order to prevent them ove actually.

holeinmyheart · 08/04/2016 20:43

I agree that it is cruel to remove any child from its parent. But if you read the post, he didn't come and see them as in Portugal very frequently as he was conducting an affair. It was his choice.
The OP is not going to stop him from seeing them anyway. He recently chose to go on holiday with the OW while the DCs was seriously ill in hospital.
I don't think he deserves any more consideration that he is getting. He is making choices that suit him, not that suit his DCs.

He is distancing himself from his DCs because of his decisions. You need to be comforting the OP not plea bargaining, on behalf of her slimy DH.
Are you her DH?

Cb112 · 10/04/2016 15:14

There is no way I would use my children as revenge or out of spite. Yes I want to be near my mum. Yes I want my children near their dad. Yes the thought of the man I love making his new relationship work kills me. Yes I wish things were different. But I can only afford the north alone. Yes he has offered me money etc. But I don't feel as though I can rely on him now and risk being homeless again. My children need stability. I can give them that in a home they will stay in long term. I can only do that in a place that accepts full housing benefit. The guilt of me moving away is awful but realistically I don't see another choice right now. It doesn't have to be forever just until I'm on my feet again and able to do things alone. I'm only thinking of how to be a Mum alone. I will always help their Dad see our children and make it as easy as possible

OP posts:
holeinmyheart · 10/04/2016 15:37

cb you didn't need to answer Eustace. Why should they try and make you feel guilty after all you haven't done anything.
We are on this forum to help The OP not support the antagonist.
They hadn't read the whole thread anyway. You said right from the start that you were going to facilitate your ex seeing his children and wouldn't use them as a weapon.
Hope your are feeling stronger. X

Cb112 · 10/04/2016 15:48

I have had a lot of pressure from my ex by moving away. I care and love him and feel sad for him. But I don't know what is going on with him. How can I trust a liar to give me and my children a roof over our heads? And that's what I would be doing if I lived near London. I haven't done anything but I wish I did so I could make sense of why this happened to me. I did pressure him into moving out of Dublin. I wanted a holiday. I wanted more and more but did I deserve to be abandoned with two children to support and without warning? All he had to do was say he didn't love me any more for me to give up the fight on us. In stead he cheated for months, lied, verbally abused me and then dumped me by text telling me he loves someone else. He said he resented me. And he probably will forever. I lost him in October but he led me on til a Month ago. I feel better each day. But I will never understand why my best friend was so cold towards me when all I did was love him unconditionally.

OP posts:
holeinmyheart · 10/04/2016 20:20

Ok I think you are doing well. You are looking forward.
I still think that he is going to regret this.

Meanwhile I think what you are doing by getting on with your life is the best thing.
If he comes back, your suffering will not have made any difference, and if he doesn't come back your suffering won't have made any difference either. So beating your self up on top of him beating you up , is natural and understandable, but pointless.
He is punishing you enough, without you joining in.
How is your little boy now?
X

Cb112 · 10/04/2016 22:21

My little boy is doing well thank you. Going to keep him off school for few days to fully recover. He's meant to not leave the house until fully well. I've had a lot of contact with his Dad because of it but needed to be done.
Was a stressful time but I'm looking forward to rebuilding my life now.
My ex has had a lot more time to get over this than me but I will do just fine with my boys xx

OP posts:
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