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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Bit of a hand hold about access

17 replies

Isaintheshop · 18/03/2016 16:31

DH is refusing to take his head out of the sand about separation and divorce so my hopes for a collaborative settlement are going out of the window. Looks like court, background of EA and financial abuse.
Just had preliminary talks with my solicitor about my 2 year old. I've done every bedtime apart from 1 night Jan, 1 night Nov, 1 night April, 1 night Dec (oh god 4 nights) since he was born and am pretty close to being a single parent anyway for childcare. DH works away 3 says a week so doesn't see DS for 4 days. I'd suggested a few hours every other week with DH to get him started, build up to every other weekend. Solicitor has said court will probably reject as not enough ot let them build relationships - will need more at weekends and maybe something during the week.
I have to do it, its the right thing but the thought about not having my lovely boy at home has just suddenly hit me really hard. When I;m through this I'll enjoy actually having a life, being able to do some exercise or gardening or cooking as I get no child free time apart from work and that's not right or sustainable but I'm just so sad at the thought of it.
Please give me some wise words or some positive thoughts.

OP posts:

callitdelta7 · 18/03/2016 16:33

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

Isaintheshop · 18/03/2016 16:36

I'm torn between being distraught about that and going....ooooh, dirty weekend!
It just seems such a big jump from a man that has essentially not bothered looking after or getting involved with his child apart from 5 mins at tea time if he's home.

OP posts:

callitdelta7 · 18/03/2016 16:43

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Original poster

Isaintheshop · 18/03/2016 16:46

Aye - big changes. However, this relationship is not the model I want for DS (mum does everything, dad is waited on) and if it takes this to get DH to have a proper relationship so be it. Annoyingly I know DH will fight rather than think about DS and put him first. FFS he has even eaten all his cupcakes with thomas the tank on (which are diary free)

OP posts:

luckiestgirlintheworld · 18/03/2016 17:01

He'll be rubbish at first but he'll learn. The longer he spends alone with DS the better he'll get with things like putting him to bed etc. He just hasn't had a chance to practice yet.
We have 50/50 with my DH's kids (my DSS) - they are older than your DS but it works well.
I just can't help thinking that every other weekend is so heartbreakingly little for your DS to spend with his dad. Your poor DS. I would be fighting for much much more time for them to be together.
It will be hard for you, but it's not really about you, it's about making this as easy as possible on DS.

callitdelta7 · 18/03/2016 17:03

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Homely1 · 18/03/2016 17:43

I'm in the same situation... Understand totally

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 18/03/2016 19:07

Me too.I hate it when the DD's aren't here. We agreed that ex h would have them three nights a week and me for four-as that's what his work allows anyway.he has now decided he wants them more,as and when he can, so some weeks he would have them 4 and I would have them 3.I realise that would be the fairest thing as it would be more 50/50 but I am actually so upset at the thought of them being away from me anymore than they already are.
Like you OP I have always done all the childcare (around ft work) whilst h was always too busy and important at his work to pitch in.Now it feels as if all that was for nothing and counts for nothing. I know I am being unreasonable.

Original poster

Isaintheshop · 18/03/2016 21:11

I'm actually really worried it's going to be really hard for DS. His norm is to be with me or nursery. He doesn't cry going to nursery but screams his head off if I have to go in to work at the weekend. I've been away one night since he was born.

OP posts:

Original poster

Isaintheshop · 18/03/2016 21:14

Thanks all. Good luck homely. Conkers how do your DDS get on with ex dh if you don't mind me asking?

OP posts:

SugarDiabetes · 18/03/2016 21:49

I've done 50/50 since the DCs were under 2. They're now strapping big teens. My ex is still a twat, but they love him. He stepped up to the mark massively when we split.

Whinfell10 · 19/03/2016 07:22

Hi- I've got a baby and an older boy and there is no way i am going to 50/50 at least not until the boys are say 16 ha ha
All I would say is there is a huge difference between what you are suggesting ie a few hours and 50/50. Given his age and the fact you've basically done every bedtime, there is a strong argument to say that you do need to build up access slowly. I think you need to offer more than a couple of hours , but I don't see why you couldn't agree on say a whole day 9am to 5pm every weekend and a week night, then you wouldn't miss bedtime. Yes you do need to build it up over time and yes in time maybe your boy can see his dad for whole weekends- but not yet! He can't go from nothing to doing whole weekends away from you as that wouldn't be fair on a 2 year old. The courts look at what is in the best interest of the child and making him stay 2-3 nights at a time with a dad he's not used to see if much and being away from you doesn't sound in his best interests to me.
Also what does your ex want?? Is he going to fight for loads more? If he's not been that bothered to date, is he going to want your son all the time?

Whinfell10 · 19/03/2016 07:27

Sorry I've just re read your post and what you actually wanted was some hand holding and yes I totally get your feelings...I think it's so horrible and yes while I would like a bit of freedom I hate the idea of not having my kids with me... Seems so unfair when men f up that the result is you lose time with your child! My ex has shown little interest and it's ironic that when it's over he then wants more time with them

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 20/03/2016 06:28

They get on with him amazingly op-he's a good dad to them (bit Disney-but generally fine).Im lucky that that isn't a concern.
Your ds will probably get used to it fairly quickly although the transition will be tough on you all for a little while I think .

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 20/03/2016 06:31

Whinfell-exactly-h was hardly ever home before we split.If he'd been around as much then as he is now (he gets home before 7.30 on the nights he has them which was unheard of before) then maybe the marriage wouldn't have broken in the first place!

Original poster

Isaintheshop · 20/03/2016 10:05

Thanks people. Actually a refreshing MN style -" he's a twat but has stepped up has helped massively" has been just as good.
I agree Whinfell - why do I lose time with my boy when STBXH* hasn't bothered much for 2 years 2 months? Its bloody unfair. However, maybe it means DS and STBXH will have a relationship. My mum stayed with my dad because of us, and my dad just never bothered with us at all. Result - 2 phone calls a year and a fair bit of guilt about that too but hey, I can only cope with one manchild in my life at a time

*First time I;ve written that. I like it.
And when DS is away I am going to:
Garden. Seriously garden
Run, swim and ride again. Do pilates
Work on my grown-up friendships - ie not just playdates
Batch cook so life will be less stressful and I can enjoy DS more.

OP posts:

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 20/03/2016 16:06

That's the spirit op.the only bright side is that you get time to yourself.i had my two til 3 today and we had a lovely time messing about on the trampoline and what not.and I've now just spent a nice hour painting a bit of furniture which I can 'that do with them around. I've found time to do lots of things that I've always fancied doing but haven't been able to whilst they were little and wouldn't be able to were I still married to h or not without a lot of guilt tripping from him anyway...

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