Do you remind unreliable ex to call and visit kids on time

[Gobzilla]

STBXH is a laxy sod who could not be bothered to be on time or exert much effort in the relationship. But now I find he's just as lazy with regards to visiting and calling our 7 year old son. Do you remind your ex to call your kids and be on time to visit the kids or do you let him disappoint your kids and let them learn that your ex is unreliable? It breaks my heart. For all the fathers complaining about limited access my STBXH could not be bothered despite his claims that our son is his number one priority.

I would'nt dream of reminding this fuckwit. I would say nothing to your son about the expected call or visit. If he's not there (or hasn't rung) within 30 minutes of the agreed time, I would do something else. Log every incident. How is contact arranged? I would only arrange it by text or email and then keep a log of all the times he rocked up or didn't bother.

My ex's unreliability led to me making it more difficult to get access. He now has to let me know he'll be there by ex time and if he isn't, then ds becomes not available.
It meant he took it more seriously and is actually pretty reliable these days.

I've given STBXH unlimited access. He can see DS whenever DS wants him. DS can't stay at STBXH's studio flat as its too small and indeed DS hasn't seen the flat where his dad lives even though it is across the street from us. STBXH moved out 2 weeks ago. STBXH is rostered to listen to DS read 2 week nights for 30 minutes and call DS at bedtime on other nights and spend Saturday and Sunday mornings with DS at his sport activities. STBXH is always late and never calls on time. STBXH has a well paying flexible consulting job and sees his roster a week in advance and agrees to it. Then when I ask him if he's turning up he suddenly announces he can't do it anymore. No reason. Just can't. Should I just let him see less and less of DS? How do you compensate for absent father?

Unlimited access makes them think they can come and go as they please and change plans as they did at home.
IME making it a bit harder to get access improves contact.
Agree on set times and the penalty for not turning up, particularly without previous advanced warning or a good excuse, is that no alternatives are given.
But that's for younger children. Older children will find their own strategies, although you might pay to show them how not to be treated as crap.

Your ageeement is centred around your ex's needs and not your DS's. It's supposed to be based on what's best for the child not the narcissistic fuckwit parent's.

I see what I'm doing wrong here. I should only let STBXH see DS at specific times and if he's not willing to see DS then that time is lost. DS will suffer loss of contact from father but also realise his failings.

Your ds won't suffer loss of contact, necessarily.

Not more than he is now, considering how unreliable it is.

Nope, don't deny but don't encourage. My son hasn't seen his dad since Christmas Day. He doesn't even yet know I've banned him from going over there because of his ill mannered dog who is people and resource guarding.

They grow up and make their own minds up about shitty parenting.

I tried the set times, it didn't last long but in your case it's worth a try if you want clear boundaries and less guilt.

Without prompting, dead beat dad forgets to call our DS, is late to collect DS and on it goes. Just how do fathers become like this? Will DS stop asking for his dad? How do you compensate for an absent could not give a toss fathers?

You need to really detach from your ex, he has a studio flat why can't your DS stay over with him unless he's a teen perhaps no reason why not!!

RandomMess you assume dad wants DS to stay at his place. He can't even be bothered. Had it occurred to you he's not interested in having DS stay at his place.

Yes it had occurred to me completely! In fact I assumed it was an excuse from your ex as to why he can't do overnights..

You basically give your ex overnight contact once a week and that's it, if he doesn't bother I'm afraid all you can do is sympathise with your ds.

How old is your ds?

DS is 7 years. He's already stopped asking for his dad cos his dad cannot even remember to call him or stay for the full period he's rostered to see DS. I don't know where STBXH is rushing off to but its mind boggling when so many fathers fight in court to get access to their child.