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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

unhappy 7 year old

25 replies

sarah090 · 27/12/2015 23:32

Hi. My ex husband and I separated 10 months ago. Due to certain things he did he had had no overnight contact with our girls (5 and 7). Eventually we ended up in court and CAFCASS (crapcass) decided what would happen. My eldest really doesn't want to stay with her dad but apparently she isn't old enough to know what she wants (absolute rubbish).In court my ex said his 2 bed flat is set up for overnight contact. His first time having them overnight was last night. As they were about to leave my eldest said Daddy hasn't even got beds for us we have to share his. I was shocked as he had lied (yet again) There was nothing I could do to find out if this was ok as it was boxing day and everywhere was closed. My 7 year old and I are really close and she doesn't even share my bed. She has had an awful lot of emotional issues since the divorce and wets herself every night without fail. She told me she didn't want to share his bed. After a lot of upset they finally did go. They returned the next day and she was so upset she had wet the bed. Does anybody know if anything can be done about this as it seems so wrong for him to make her share his bed when she's uncomfortable with it. I don't really understand why he couldn't of slept on the sofa or built them a den or something in their own room (or just have got their own beds like he had told the court). I just really worry about my 7 year old as she is so vulnerable. Sorry for rambling on.x

OP posts:

charlybear7 · 28/12/2015 05:37

Not sure if this helps but I stated in court that I would only be happy to grant overnight access unless I physically saw where my children were going to sleep. My ex lives in a room and has said he can get family accommodation (he's in the military). The judge said that was completely reasonable and everyone would like to know where their children's keep at night. Hope that helps x

Original poster

sarah090 · 28/12/2015 08:04

Thank you. Court was the oddest experience I went in there positive thinking it would all be about the kids and their feelings and I was so wrong. Everybody had said to me that due to my daughters state of mind and because she is seeing a councillor no decisions would be made until the school, herself and her councillor had been spoken to. This was far from true, it was awful. They weren't bothered about her and it didn't seem to matter where he was living or anything. I just feel so saddened and angry that a system put in place for kids turns out to be anything but that. I don't even know where he lives or who lives with him. It's breaking my heart seeing my little girl hurt so much x

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MissBattleaxe · 28/12/2015 08:10

That awful. You should have a right to know where they are sleeping and you should make it known that he lied to the court. Can you get it reviewed or speak to social services about her distress?

Original poster

sarah090 · 28/12/2015 08:16

My solicitor asked for it to be reviewed but the court wouldn't grant it. He always gets away with lying. He attacked me it wasn't the first time but I finally got the courage to say something he lied his way through court and managed to even get away with that even though there was evidence. When it comes to kids you just want to protect them. Now I feel as a mum I've failed her and I just have to sit back and watch her unhappy. It's so unfair. I just don't know where to turn. He was also meant to have clothing for them. All he did was but one packet of underwear in between both of their sizes and they have to share which is surely unhygienic. Whilst he walks about in designer clothing.

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SolsburyHell · 28/12/2015 08:43

I'm no expert in this field so my advice may be crap but I would not send my children in this situation. I would also ring social services and ask for their advice. Whilst he may have no malicious intent, it is still inappropriate.

Original poster

sarah090 · 28/12/2015 09:20

That's how I feel but if I don't send them I will be the one breaking the court order and I'll be in trouble. When my solicitor is back after her Christmas break I'll contact her. He's been granted an awful lot of contact an average of 3 nights a week so I feel that place should be set up right for them.

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MissBattleaxe · 28/12/2015 10:11

Would it help ting a social worker? at least the call would be logged and maybe they can help?

MissBattleaxe · 28/12/2015 10:11

I think if you report that children have neither their own beds nor their own underwear surely a court would listen?

Original poster

sarah090 · 28/12/2015 10:12

A few people have said that. So I'll look into that. I'm just so sick of fighting everything when all I want is whats best for the children but I am being made out to be the bad one. thank you for your comment x

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Marilynsbigsister · 28/12/2015 13:17

Ten months is an awful long time to not have your children overnight. ! I am assuming that you went through the mediation process ? Why did you end up in court ? What were the sticking points in mediation ?. As the wife of someone who has spent a decade trying to establish regular contact with his dcs against incredibly difficult ex , (they now live with us and my dcs) I know that there are two sides to every story. We have also been through the cafcass malarkey numerous times. From our view point the courts seem to put a lot of store in ensuring the child has a relationship with the father. They are also very insistent that it is the children's rights that they are focussed on rather than the parents. As for allowing a residential parent to 'check' the sleeping arrangements whilst dcs are at NRP home... I can only believe that, that would go down like a lead balloon and not be the way to improve your parenting relationship. There is no doubt that this issue has to be cleared up because the current sleeping arrangements are not appropriate. As for the underwear sharing, that is just peculiar but easily solved by doing as most children of divorced parents do- and come with their own clothes when they stay over.
Checking of appropriate sleeping situations should be done by a 3rd party such as grandparent (if acceptable to both parents) or social worker/cafcass officer.

Original poster

sarah090 · 28/12/2015 16:30

There was no mediation it wasn't even offered or talked about. There is absolutely no communication between me and my ex husband. We were together 15 years all of a sudden I discovered a relationship with another woman that was it he went no explanations no nothing not even to his girls. And he has absolutely no interest in discussing anything to do with the children even though I have tried desperately to get him involved in our daughters counselling he just out right denies she has a problem. He didn't have them for 10 months because his living situation wouldn't allow it and he didn't at any point ask for it.

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Marilynsbigsister · 28/12/2015 20:16

How did you both end up in court OP if there was no meditation. I am assuming you are in the UK ?

Original poster

sarah090 · 28/12/2015 21:08

yes i'm in the UK. I assumed mediation would be the first step and that is what the court would put in place but it was never mentioned. It has felt like a shambles from start to finish

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Toffeelatteplease · 28/12/2015 21:16

Is that all he has done? No violence or other issues? Im assuming there must be much much more to it than he had an affair. Why is your DD in counselling?

I'm not saying that to be funny but seriously in this situation the best you could do would be to purchase a couple of blow up beds or matresses and packets of pants to send with them.

You could take it back to court but I suspect that it would not go down well at all.

Original poster

sarah090 · 28/12/2015 21:20

He was a very violent man but never towards the girls. As far as me and the girls were concerned our lives were pretty perfect and it came completely out of the blue and that was it over. My eldest has a lot of anger issues and it always comes back to not knowing why daddy left which is awful because I have no understanding of it so I can't help her and when she has asked him he told her he can't tell her.

OP posts:

Toffeelatteplease · 28/12/2015 21:26

But he was violent towards you?

Where is your solicitor in all this. It feels as though your hearts in the right place but you are arguing about the small stuff (which the court always dislikes) and avoiding the big. Sometimes we do that because we don't have enough evidence of the big stuff to argue it but we just want to keep our kids safe.

But at some point you need to change tack. Have you got some counselling for youself.

Are they safe? Is he losing his temper with them?

Original poster

sarah090 · 28/12/2015 21:31

yes towards me. that's just it though there is no arguing there is nothing at all. all I want is my girl to be happy and comfortable and she's really not comfortable sharing a bed with him. He also had a bath with her. she just seems a little too old for that. she is a very private little girl she won't even change in front of her sister.

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Toffeelatteplease · 28/12/2015 21:38

If that's why she's in counselling you need to change tack. You need the more neutral "sometimes grownup relationships break up. There isn't always a reason for it sometimes it just stops working".

You need to change tack because if you are ever fighting for her not to go for her own very immediate safety, it's a whole lot easier to do if you are not be jumping over that parental alienation misconception first.

Offering to send a pair of pants and a bed shows that you are doing your best to support the relationship if you have to take it back to court for any reason. That includes "he hasn't got the kids a bed and has even rejected my offers to send a bed with the kids." But also the scary options too

Original poster

sarah090 · 28/12/2015 21:39

no I haven't had any counselling yet it seems quite hard to come by in our area. He has in the past lost his temper with him but I don't think they are at risk with him it's more mental than physical

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Toffeelatteplease · 28/12/2015 21:40

Do you have evidence of the violence to you?

Seriously if you do, I wouldn't be arguing the small stuff at all. I would be arguing she has access to a phone at all times, make sure she knows the address off by heart and how to call the police.

Toffeelatteplease · 28/12/2015 21:43

You need counselling because it is very hard to describe mental abuse without it, especially his specific brand.

Original poster

sarah090 · 28/12/2015 21:49

I'm just so fed up of seeing such a young child so sad it seems so wrong. All I have done since he walked away from us is support a relationship with him and the girls. Believe it or not I have never said a cross word to him about the affair it would be a waste of time. I just wish he would try to help them have an understanding of everything. He has said before people split it happens they're fine. How can kids be fine when their whole little worlds have changed we are now loosing our house due to financial difficulties which I just even more for them to cope with. I have lost everything and I just don't know how to cope anymore. I had evidence but not enough for the courts apparently.

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Original poster

sarah090 · 28/12/2015 21:50

I don't even know his address. I only have a rough idea where it is. He won't let me know his address

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Marilynsbigsister · 29/12/2015 19:36

Sorry OP, to keep harking back to this but how did you know to go to court ? What did the paperwork from the court say about mediation. ?

Original poster

sarah090 · 29/12/2015 19:50

it only mentioned mediation in like the guide line bit of what could happen. I knew when I got a letter through from the courts.

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