After being amicable for 3 years it's all gone wrong

[Dec2015]

Name change regular here.

Diy divorce 3 years ago. All amicable. Both moved on. Both of us have remarried. We even have a shared icalendar!

Now he's changed his job and moved a bit further away. He's being really awkward about money and timings of drop offs etc for our 2 children.

I haven't asked for an increase despite now having increased childcare costs.

He's overly invested in what I do with my child free time. I don't think it's his business whether I'm working/ having a lie in or anything but he does.

I actually think I've been gas lighted a bit in the last year. However I'd really like to resolve this.

We never went to court. We had no assets.

What's the best way to resolve this please? Shall I put something in writing? Mediation?

Thanks for reading.

Well that was short lived. He's texted me saying he can't do it as he has a major health scare. Needs tests etc.

Now wtf?

Well that was short lived. He's texted me saying he can't do it as he has a major health scare. Needs tests etc.

Now wtf?

Cant do what as a major health scare? Mediation? Or access?

Mediation. Dickhead.

He's always been a hypochondriac. Honestly. I really don't believe him. That's awful isn't it but I really don't. He's like the boy who cried wolf.

Dickhead was to him btw not you!!

I'd text back and say then it's even more important you are able to get to mediation to sort this all out now so it's no longer a stress to him

I agree it hardly stops him From attending mediation. Don't reply and let him get the letter in the post- don't get sucked in to drama that is of his making!

'That's ok, we can work around your appointments. Does this one >< clash with your appointment? If so, when shall I move it to?'

Ok so I just asked that we get it sorted quickly and that he email his suggestions about contact and maintenance to me. That way it's in writing.

Sorry but to me it sounds like he is playing you. Its all controlling emotional abuse. 'forgetting' to collect kids, 'major health scare', change of plans, getting arsey, spare key!!!!! mediation he cant make. It is all giving you grief and you have to detach.

Can you not stick to set days/times he has the kids and if he cant he doesn't have them. Bin the shared calendar however useful it is. Agree times/dates and put them in your personal calendar.

Yes get him to email you contact and maintenance. Everything in writing. Make it formal. Stop him from thinking he can still control your life.

Thankyou. I've emailed the request. That's done.

The regular contact is what we can't agree on at present. Once we have collection arrangements sorted we're half way there.

In my email I did stress that our lives without children are not for discussion.

I haven't heard back yet.

I was just coming on to say what's been said, he is still controlling you but it's not too late to turn it around.

I would get a mobile number that you give just to him, only switch it on every few days to check for messages (and obviously when the children are in his care for emergencies) but only reply to messages that are to do with the children. Ignore the rest of his crap and don't tell him your plans until the last minute (if he needs to know). If he is due to have them for 7 days he has no need to know if your on holiday in that time he's there dad he shouldn't need to have his hand held in that 7 days, take your mobile so he can reach you in an emergency and if you need to tell him as he collects them 'this is the contact number of where I will be staying whilst you are all away, have a great time!' He doesn't need to know the details of your life when the kids aren't there.

Also not sure what the request is that you've emailed him? Is it that he lets you know his proposition or have you emailed him telling him your proposition? If its the first then I would put the ball back in your own court and take away his control of you.

Something along the lines of (someone else or yourself could probably condense it down and word it better)
Hi EXH
Please find below the outline of a proposed agreement for care and maintenance arrangements for children. As previously discussed due to previous misunderstandings with regards to who had responsibility for the children at set times resulting in them not being collected from school, last minute changes resulting in clashes with work commitments and of course the children feeling upset and unsettled it is hoped that by coming to an agreement such of this we can strengthen our co-parenting bond which in turn will give the children greater stability and happiness.

1. As proposed by yourself contact shall be EOW. The children will be available for collection from (dp place of work) at 8.30am on a Saturday morning through til 8.50am on a Monday morning when you drop them at school.
2. The children have X amount of school holidays a year l propose that the children have the following holiday time with you: (obviously set out what you think but an example): First week of the Easter holidays for 7 days commencing from collection on the Saturday am. Week 2 & 4 of the summer holidays each week for 7 days, again commencement from collection at 8.30 on the Saturday am. This equates to XX% of the total school holidays with the remainder being spent with myself excluding the weekends prearranged with you for the children's visitation. Holiday dates shall be determined by the government school holiday dates for which I will advise you of as and when these are made available (these dates are normally available online for your particular council for the full year by September time)
3. To allow a degree of flexibility changes should be arranged a minimum of 48 hours in advance by text or email and should only be viewed as accepted when confirmation of this acceptance is received in reply by text or email. If holiday dates are needed to be changed this should be done at a minimum of 4 weeks (whatever acceptable amount of time for you) before commencement of said holiday to ensure stability for the children and enable arrangements for childcare, clubs or meet ups can be made.
4. A sum of £XX of maintenance towards the children's care costs to be paid (monthly) on (XX date). Figure as set out by CMS website based on the above agreement.

I propose that this shared care agreement shall start on XX date, if there are any proposed changes to it then please let me know within 7 days so we can renegotiate.

If he comes back kicking off about it, go ahead and book the mediation-don't tell him just do it and have them contact him to arrange the date. Keep all communication in writing so you can show how reasonable you are being and how unreasonable he is being and just maintain 'this is when they are available.' 'Unfortunately picking them up at 9am doesn't work for me due to other commitments, they will be available at 8.30am'. Stop explaining about your life to him, stop justifying that you don't explain your life to him......you don't have to be controlled by him anymore and that also means you don't have to explain yourself to him anymore

That's a really helpful post. Thankyou.

I'm finding It's difficult trying not to be an arse about it though!

Try not to confuse ensuring stability for your children by being firm but fair with being an arse. By the sounds of it your conditioned to think that not accepting your children being short changed in both time, moment and effort equates to you being difficult-it doesn't, it really doesn't.

Now if you were not turning up to collect the children from school on a day and time arranged or ringing their father constantly with a false sense of entitlement to knowing what he was doing with his child free time and even having a go at him for daring to have more child free time than you (owing to have a step child-not your exes fault), now that could be described as being an arse.....

If it was me I'd break the holidays down and offer him 50% (because we know he's going to refuse that) and let's be honest once he's refused then he will still kick off about how unfair it is you have 'more' child free time but in one sentence you can put in back in his box 'well actually dexh you have he children for xxdays and xxnights a year compared to my xxdays and xxnights so actually I do the lions work of childcare for our children. If you have issue with how much time you spend caring for the step child you chose to take on then you need to take that up with the partner you chose to be with.'

*money not moment

Interesting..... Still reading. Thanks all for taking the time to reply.

wow dec2015 - i really admire you - i have just separated from my husband and trying the amicable route - but already it is hard work and we haven't even discussed separating the finances and so on yet!

It's been really interesting to note the 'amicable' comment from bathtimefunkster - my whole marriage was like this - it was fine when i put up with stuff - i'm the kind of person that can let it go - but as soon as i started having my own opinions, standing up for myself or questioning, well it was not so amicable! perhaps predictably i was then told i was being 'over-sensitive' and made out to feel all was my fault! On top of this he would never discuss anything so nothing would ever get resolved and while I'm the kind of person that doesn't dwell on stuff when it is the same stuff happening again and again and again its hard to just forget and move on!!
I'm trying so hard to be nice and reasonable now he's decided to leave because i'm relieved but also want to make things ok for my children.

This might change the tone of thread but anyway....

He is not very clever. I am. It's been an interesting dynamic that everyone thinks oh x is such a great dad, even with his funny ways. Well it wasn't funny living with a man child. Neither has it been funny divorcing him. Because he's perceived as a bit thick we just let stuff go. Couldn't be arsed to fight it. I can think of so many examples, but basically just trust me. He is not bright at all. So if any of you can imagine trying to explain and reason with a 12 yo you can probably pictur what I'm trying to do. It's annoying but curious in the same way. I sort of wonder how he has got by in life so far. The answer is that he hasn't. He went from mum to me back to mum then on to new wife.

She's also intelligent. She has written a reply email. I know it's her as her spelling and grammar are too good to be his. Sorry - I'm sure you all hate me now too.

Anyway, the email is actually reaching a resolution and there is an acknowledgement that he has not been fair recently.

It's obviously hit home as he has actually agreed to my suggested contact arrangements. He has put the cm amount up, but hasn't said by how much. It goes in on 18th every month due to his pay schedule. So I'll find out in a few days. Anyway I think we've moved forward a bit.

I certainly feel less stressed. Thanks for all advice.

Freida - I'm not sure I would advise keeping it amicable. I think now I wish I'd formalised things in the early days.

I have a thick STBXH so I understand. I was the brains of the operation for 10 years. He was always 'so wonderful' with the DC - because he couldn't do anything else and, like you say, was a 12 year old in a 40 year old body.

It was better from inside the marriage, I just did stuff and never had to explain. Now trying to talk to this idiot is so hard. We've been apart nearly a year and I expend every bit of energy I've got trying to amicable for the kids sake.

I get you OP!

Omg you've explained it exactly as I was trying to!

Much much easier to just do it than risk it not being done properly. 'It' ranging from paying bills to collecting children at the right place at the right time with the right kit.....

I enabled him completely when we were together. I have a thread on here from years ago about how dependent he was, and how much I needed to mother him.

In true MN style I got properly told off. Hey ho.

glad to hear that you have moved away from amicable and now formalised things and the stress is reducing. Formalising takes the emotional hooks out of play. They can be left well behind now.

BathTimeFunkster you have just changed my life - THIS:

''It sounds like your "amicability" is based (as is so often the case) on him treating you badly, and you putting up with it.

People who have a genuinely amicable relationship don't renege on financial commitments to their children or think their ex shouldn't go on holiday when the children are with them.

I think you need to recognise that you've reached the end of appeasement road and just deal with him as the resentful, spiteful, unhelpful prick that he is.''

Men who were controlling during the marriage are not suddenly going to give up their need to control you when the marriage ends. I separated with exH 8 months ago and only now am I starting to see how manipulative he is. He keeps going on about our 'enduring friendship' but it lasts exactly only as long as I do what he wants, don't demand anything, don't call his bullshit and generally let him still be an influence in my life. It has bene really hard to get out of this. Almost total no- contact is the only way, only communicate via email regarding childcare arrangements. Cue him claiming I am aggressive, hostile, difficult.