Advice needed

[Gohackyourself]

so I'm here to get advice from wise mn ladies..please

My ex dh has found himself a gf.
He's only been seeing her 8 weeks or so and she lives a long way away.

I had an agreement with him that any new partners wouldn't be introduced before 6 months.

This week the ex texts me to tell me that he wants her to stay down at his house and for ds to meet her.

I told him I thought it's too soon and since he lives in a 1 bed and my son normally sleeps in his bed too, I didn't think she should stay as it could put ds nose out.
I said she would be better at a hotel and briefly meeting for an hr sat and same Sunday.ease ds in gently.
Ex dh only spent the weekend with her last weekend and will do so next weekend , to me, 2 days a week is not impossible to put a new "mate" to one side for the sake of your child for 2 days.

As you will guess I'm now livid that this agreement has been broken.

Not only did she stay down the whole of Saturday, ex dh then takes her on the annual trick/treat night with my friends (as it was his weekend and trick/treat fell on it).who also thought it was poorly conceived in front of the other children who may ask ds questions etc.
He's also taken her to a weekly lesson my son has at 9am this morning.
Could he not have left her at home whilst he commits his time to watching his son?

So I'm soo angry.
Because he's broken the agreement and thrust my son into a whole new situation he may not understand at 7yrs old.

I am considering stopping any contact from tomorrow and take it through the courts.
Does anyone understand it has been in this situ?

Hi Gohackyourself, gosh it's absolutely understandable that you feel livid by what has happened, and that you feel that trust has been undermined because your agreement is broken. In my experience, what has happened is not uncommon and is due to your ex not putting your DS first and thinking of himself. However, think twice before stopping contact. It won't actually help your DS but will actually cause him more confusion. What is done is done and can't be undone but that doesn't mean that you can't influence what happens now. If you were to apply to court, you'll be required to see a mediator for MIAM so consider this step anyway. Mediation will help you share your concerns and a mediator will help you and your exh to discuss the way forward now. Mediators can't give legal advice i.e. Tell you what they think you should do, but they can give you information, including information about child development and the affect of relationship breakdown and the introduction of new partners to children.

Oh OP.

Totally understandable that you feel this way. However this is not a reason IMO to stop contact. It will only confuse and upset your DS.

I totally agree with the advice divorce alchemist has given. Please try the mediation route. I hate to say it but if you made your ex take you the court route, I am not sure it would help your case. The court is there to evaluate what is in the best interest of the DC and balance of harm. A new partner being introduced sooner than you would like is not really causing him any harm. And as such you withholding contact could be viewed as vindictive behaviour.

I do understand why you are upset but you have to remain calm. Most importantly do not put your DS in the crossfire. He won't understand why you're angry or why he can't see daddy. Please try the mediation route.

Hi,

Thanks all.
I'm not willing to mediate at cost.

This is my 2 Nd divorce now( cheating toads) so having been there once, I'm not willing to part with good money again.

I understand your points about no contact - I have had the evening last night and daytime to rejig my thinking.thereforr I now have another plan.
I won't write that here.

His dad has just spent 10 yrs overriding anything I wanted.as my friend stated, he's spent 10 years doing it, now you are exes he's not about to start now.

I blame the gf too- what sort of woman does that and let's herself get involved.

OP. You'd mediate because you have a child. Surely the wellbeing of your DS overrides your emotions? Whatever your new plan. I hope it doesn't involve using your DS as a pawn (because brutally speaking withholding contact is doing just that and I think that extremely distressing for the children involved).

Re the girlfriend? That is not your concern. You don't know what he has or hasn't told her. Tbh yu sound more bitter that he has found someon new. You're not with him so get over it.

Apologies if that sounds harsh but I don't have much sympathy for people who threaten to withhold contact over such matters.

And I speak as someone who has discovered multiple infidelities yet NEVER withheld contact. Even though I fully expect my STBXH to intro someone to my DC's soon. So long as that person isn't mean in any way. It's not my right to dictate who he intros to the children

Apologies if that sounds harsh but I don't have much sympathy for people who threaten to withhold contact over such matter

A court would also agree with this.

Thanks all.

You can't make demands on your dc contact time with his father, any more than your ex can make demands on what you do in your time with your dc.
If you think that your dc is in danger then there would be reason to call the relevant people etc, but your DS is not in danger and will most probably be fine with daddies friend.
If though your DS picks up a vibe from you then this could well make him feel uncomfortable.

So best to treat it lightly and make the most if your time with DS

You can make anither parent watch a sporting child, a child's concert etc it is up to the other parent.

My ex rarely watched his dc competing or practising but that was his loss and I wasn't going to mention it as its nothing to do with me. I thought it was a shame but kept my nose out of it.