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Strange reaction from 11yo DD after separation - advice pls

3 replies

tiredandsleepy · 28/10/2015 10:04


H left last week after telling our DD that he had found someone else. DD is now saying she doesn't care, it's in the past, she does not care about him and she's fine. She says she only cries when she sees me crying.

Is this a defense mechanism? Is she trying to keep it inside and it'll explode when she is older?

FYI, I will get her to see school counsellor after half term but I am struggling that she does not share my grief and does not seem bothered.

Has anyone see this in their DC?


OP posts:
DivorceAlchemist · 28/10/2015 12:26

I know it's difficult for you because your DD is not reacting the way that you thought she would. It may well be a defense mechanism and its maybe how she's coping right now. We each enter the grief cycle at different times and work through it at different speeds. Remember that she had lost something - a father that lived at home. She hasn't lost the same thing as you. Her response will be different. Keep your eye on her and let her know that she can share with you. Let her also know that it's ok not to either. Let her know it's ok that she seeks out support elsewhere if she wants. Let the school know of your concerns. If you can, let her father know so he too is aware. It's still very early days for both of you. Ensure that you look after you too! Smile

VelvetShroudatMidnight · 30/10/2015 10:46

As DivorceAlchemist says her grief is different to yours as you have both lost different things.

Maybe she's calm on the surface but trying to deal with complicated feelings underneath, such as why would her father go, was it something you or she did, why would he do that to both of you. Maybe she wants to protect you & thinks that by being upset herself it will make you feel bad, so she's hiding it. Maybe her loyalty is badly divided so she both loves & hates her father & is not sure what to do about it. Maybe she's relieved he's gone as there's been a bad atmosphere at home for a while? There could be a whole load of stuff going on that she's dealing with.

Don't push her, the school counsellor is a good idea but let her deal with it in her own time. Be there for her, ask her if she's OK but don't smother her or make her feel bad that she's not reacting the way you think she should be.

Its a difficult time, just feel your way through carefully & you will come out the other side.

tiredandsleepy · 30/10/2015 18:30

Many thanks for pointers and advice.

It turns out that she has asked her Dad to come home so it seems that she is trying to deal with it by being calm on the surface and also trying to protect me. She is also only 11 so her language may not be the most suitable and she may not know how to deal with it.

I really think the counsellor is a good idea and if the school one is not good then I will pay for one. It's good to speak to someone that is neutral and probably not loaded with emotions as I am right now.

Thank you for help.

Now for the solicitors...

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