Going to mediation to discuss contact- anxious

[motheroreily]

I separated from my husband 5 months ago. Our daughter lives with me Sunday night to Friday night and with him Friday night to Sunday night. He also has her when he is on annual leave.

I have never really been happy with this arrangement but as I work part time and he can't see her during the week due to his work hours I just went along with it.

We had an issue where a relative was visiting one Sunday and he was really upset that I wanted to take our daughter that day but eventually relented. This made me think if I had set weekends we wouldn't have this issue I could organise around it. Also she is starting school next year so I would like some weekend contact then.

I saw a mediator on my own last week and I need to tell my husband but I feel so sick at the thought. He makes me feel so selfish for taking time from him. I'm not scared of how he'll react but I know he's going to rant and rave.

He is also living in our joint house, I moved out and am renting. So that's another thing that needs sorting. But I can't face up to it all.

Goodness I know that feeling of feeling sick every time something needs to be discussed. Why does it happen? Is it a sign that the other person is manipulative.

Whatever your work pattern, I would face thought that you should have a full weekend with you DD, alternate weekends. Surely she may be in school In the week so you do not get to plan things for them How old is your DD and how is she coping? X

She's only 3 so not in school yet, she just goes to nursery on the days I work. But I was thinking how our current arrangement won't work when she's at school and all the nonsense about seeing my dad made me want to sort it out now rather than in six months time.

I think our daughter is coping well. It was v hard at first as I moved out the house and we were staying somewhere temporarily. When she went to see her dad she was going back to her house with all her toys and her cat. She'd cry every time I picked her up from her dad and that made me upset. But we have our own flat now and I think she feels more secure and settled. I think she is coping very well now but sometimes says she misses daddy and wished we all lived together.

Hello, using mediation is a great way to have this chat with him. Especially when you feel nervous. As you now know, you don't have to be alone with him. You can ask the mediation service to contact him for you if you wish. They'd need to speak with him anyway. Alternate weekends is the norm. You are both then able to plan a full weekend as you wish. Flexibility is the key going forward. There will undoubtedly be times when you'd like your daughter on his weekend and vice versa. It's normal too.

I hope you work this out. Your current arrangement does not seem fair to me, esp with school. Perhaps DD was more upset as she was leaving behind things that were familiar to her. I'm glad that she is ok xx. How are you doing?

Have you been yet? X

Only on my own I still haven't told him. I know I need to but know he will react badly

Why will he react badly? Because you are thinking of other arrangements?

Yes, when Ive tried to talk to him about it before he says why should I stop a loving father seeing his child he'll never get that time back and he rants and raves alot

Goodness, it's not about him seeing DD though... It's about quality time that DD spends with both parents. DD won't have that when at school....

I always feel guilty I hate upsetting people (tbh I'm a bit wet). When I dropped my dd last night she was crying for me and he said "don't you see what you've done this is a direct consequence on your actions." I felt horrible.

Right, I'm going to tell him about mediation and tell the mediators to contact him. I need to just bite the bullet.

I

Remember that you don't need to tell him first if it's too difficult. Do what you feel most comfortable with. Well done for moving things forward.

Thanks. I just thought he'd be more amenable if he was prepared but I'm sure he'll go mad either way. He is so strange he sends me horrible messages and is really hostile but often says the door is open for me to go back. So confusing

I know he's going to rant and rave so much

How are you?

I can sympathise with what you have said, and I think most of us that are going through of been through divorce get that pit of doom feeling and not wanting to have bring up anything that might cause friction.
I hope you can bring it up and if he doesn't agree then you will have to get it formally agreed which would mean at least you know where you stand and he wouldn't get every weekend that's for sure.

You need to be strong for the sake of your daughter. You need to do what is right for the two of you - he won't! So, you need to tell him that in future you will be having your daughter every other weekend and then do it. If he turns up demanding your daughter, say sorry but he only has her for every other weekend now. And close the door. Be the best mother and father figure your daughter could dream of and protect her from her demanding father who is thinking only of what is best for himself.

You know these are his faults and not yours for you?

He is refusing to be constructive or take responsibility. It is easier for him to put the blame on you.

It's not you, it's him. If he cared, truly cared, he'd be doing what you are trying to do - the best for your DD.

You are going to have to toughen up I'm afraid and not allow his bullying tactics of shattering your self-belief to touch you. By your own description of being 'a bit wet' he is aware of your low self-esteem and is using it to make you feel worse.

At the very least, pretend to have a thick skin in his presence. It's ok to crumble, but not in front of him.