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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Advice on my rights please!!!

16 replies

hayley104 · 13/10/2015 19:49

I have just got divorced to my childs father, and he is demanding to have her 4 nights a week all of a sudden when I don't agree with this and have said no. He said I don't get to choose when he sees his daughter. I would like to know my rights and his rights as divorced parents. Can I legally refuse my daughter staying with him so much? She's 4 and we were married when she was born. I would never stop her seeing him but she needs to be with her mum more than her dad. Any advice would be appreciated!!

OP posts:

Fistyisyourname · 13/10/2015 20:02

What are the current arrangements?

How did you settle on them? Mediation?

TrojanWhore · 13/10/2015 20:10

"I would never stop her seeing him but she needs to be with her mum more than her dad."

Is that because she has specific additional needs?

Children have a right to a strong relationship with both parents. So 50/50 is the start point for working it out. As 7 days doesn't divide tidily into two, could the aim be alternating 3 and 4?

lunar1 · 13/10/2015 20:17

Who was the primary carer when you lived together?

Original poster

hayley104 · 13/10/2015 20:22

Basically we have been separated 3 years. We have never had a specific arrangement, he just said when he could see her, sometimes once a month, sometimes twice a week. There's been no consistency at all. She's just started school 5 mins from our house. He lives 2 buses away. He's never paid me a penny in child support but that didn't bother me as we got on and we were all happy with that. Now all of a sudden he hates me and is trying to dictate to me when she stays with me. Am i legally ok to say no to his demands? We are in a routine, she has after school clubs, ballet and swimming during the week all near our house. He's constantly late taking her to school, and once even forgot to pick her up from nursery! He works full time and lives with his mum. I work part time. Hope this answers everything. Thanks for your help.X

OP posts:

DiscoDiva70 · 13/10/2015 20:37

If I were you I'd rather stick needles in my eyes than give in to his demands!

He's seen her when he's felt like it and paid no child support, but now he wants to dictate access arrangements, cheeky bastard!

My advice would be to tell him what YOU think is best contact wise for your dd, but if he doesn't agree ( and he probably won't because he wants to call the shots) then be prepared for him to take you to Court.

Anticipate this and prepare by documenting everything he says /does regarding your dd, you may need to show the Court any evidence you can to support your reasoning for wanting to remain your dd's primary carer.

bloodyteenagers · 13/10/2015 20:42

So what have you offered as a starting point?

Original poster

hayley104 · 13/10/2015 20:56

I've been her primary carer since she was born and I'm so scared he's trying to take that away from me. She's my life. I don't get to pick and choose when I want to see her like he does. It's not fair. I've said 2 nights a week and he's not having any of it. He thinks he can just have her whenever he wants with not even a weeks notice. Our plans are often scuppered due to his last minute demands. I went to a solicitor to get advice and he said to tell him my requests. They were to have 2 weeks notice of when he could have her, to start paying child support, and that she can only stay on a school night if she wasn't late for school. He hasn't made her late for school since then (to my knowledge) but failed the other two. I've told him 4 nights every week is too long and now he's kicking off. I can't fault him as a dad but I can't help but feel he wants her 4 nights a week so he doesn't have to pay me any child support.

OP posts:

Homely1 · 13/10/2015 21:23

I'm in a similar boat and have similar views as you. I feel for you. I do understand the need for contact and acrelationship but my ex has been as flaky as yours and is now demanding his rights all of a sudden. Hugs

Original poster

hayley104 · 13/10/2015 22:10

Thanks. It's so frustrating. Got myself booked back in with the solicitor. X

OP posts:

Allalonenow · 13/10/2015 22:26

Start keeping a very detailed record of when he sees your DD, when he is late, what is said to you, when he alters visits etc. This will see you in a strong position if and when you go to court.

Start to claim child maintenance from him ASAP, this is your child's right and could affect their future.

Was none of this discussed during your divorce?
Also if he mentions his "Rights" tell him that fathers have responsibilities not rights.

Homely1 · 14/10/2015 07:03

I like everything you said Allalonenow but particularly the last line

TooSassy · 14/10/2015 07:09

Can you try mediation OP?

I'm 3 sessions into mediation pre divorce being finalised and am told that we can come back post divorce when it comes to the DC's.

My understanding (along with keeping a detailed record) is that the fact that if you attempt mediation, it will be a good reflection on you by the judge should this end up in court.

I'll also say that unfortunately some men do use DC's use this a negotiation tactic. My STBXH did this in a mediation meeting (evidently expecting me to dig my heels in and get angry). I didn't and said he was welcome to 50/ 50 access. He back-pedalled at speed. Such a dick. Do you think he's bluffing knowing you'll have this reaction?

wallywobbles · 14/10/2015 07:12

The courts like things to be neat so it won't be when he wants it will be every Tuesday and Wednesday night or whatever. I would suggest every other weekend and one or two nights in the week should be your starting point.

Be aware that the more time he has her the less he will pay in maintenance.

Start building your case and get in the habit of thinking that it all might count in court. Keep a diary.

Where does she sleep at his.

Who pays for clothes? She doesn't need to be going to nursery with a suitcase. He should have clothes for her at his house.

Who pays for activities. Keep track of costs.

Don't be complacent.

If the worst happens and its 50/50. Can you go full time?

wallywobbles · 14/10/2015 07:18

Try to think about how to make it work for you. If he has to take her to activities it won't kill him. He can't decide not to take her it will count against him.

Having some predicable time off is also good for you. Try to organise mediation and listen to what he wants (or thinks he does) and work out what you can accept.

I can't help think 4 days is about money somehow.

Write down her timetable give copies and insist on set days and times.

DivorceAlchemist · 14/10/2015 13:35

Hello. I'm sorry you are having a hard time with this. In law, your child is entitled to a relationship with their father. Evidence shows that to deny it is emotionally damaging.

Levels of contact depend on circumstances. For example a child that had no relationship with a parent wouldn't go straight into staying contact for example. If your child enjoyed a good relationship with their father, the court will expect this to continue and develop. As your child is very young, this will be a relevant consideration in terms of traveling time .

Use mediation to try and resolve things. It will save you both time and money. Normally, if shared care isn't possible (there is no principle of shared care in English law) non-resident parents of school age children can expect to enjoy every other weekend, a visit mid week (possibly overnight depending on location) half hols and every other Christmas.

If you are struggling with this notion, get support. You are not alone

Scarydinosaurs · 14/10/2015 13:41

I would send him a spreadsheet of costs- if she is going to stay at his four nights he needs to purchase six different outfits and underwear, and a set of school clothes, including shoes.

He is also going to have to take on the cost of her activities- this is going to be X amount.

I would advise going to mediation for now, and bringing it with you.

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