After divorce -- how are your kids doing?

[nrv0us]

I am curious to know about how your divorce has affected your DCs. How long ago did you split, how old were your children, and how has the journey been?

My DD still detests me 3 years after her father left. She loves me mostly and in most respects she is just fine, there are terrible sad times though when she misses him. Should add she sees him every weekend (either for tea or the whole weekend)

18 months on from the split, divorced a year. Children seem to be normal, happy, well-adjusted little people. They are 7 & 4, we've worked hard to keep it amicable and living arrangements are split 50:50, all of which I think has helped.

Please may I ask if arrangements with children were your choice or via court?

And do you live in close proximity?

Decided together. Eow weekend, mostly 1/3 holidays and occasionally tea.

Three years since split ( still not divorced, but not through lack of trying).
Frankly my DD has been very damaged and 18 months ago was the darkest time. I have been civil and polite and have always put her at the heart of my decisions. Sadly ExH has not done this he introduced and had OW stay over 5 days after leaving the family home, has allowed OW's DD to bully ours, has driven drunk with DD in the car (been arrested for this and convicted). Finally he and OW top their frustration out on DD when everything came tumbling down due to drinking.
I arranged counselling for DD ( he questioned if this was necessary), blocked contact for a period and then re initiated in a way that helped DD feel supported. I have listened, held her when she cried and frankly put my life on hold so she has no other changes in her life.
If you can both be totally child centric you will avoid this.

2 months into a split. Could have been nasty due to the circumstances. Fortunately we've managed to keep it civil for the sake of the DC's.
The first 3 weeks after the split were horrendous. It has settled since then.

We've told them constantly that we love them and that none of this is their fault. We've been civil and polite in front of them, zero crossed words. No bad mouthing of the ex, ever. Stay relatively strong in front of them (it's ok to be sad occasionally), but otherwise try and keep yourself together. Keep discipline in place. Mine tried really hard to push some fairly critical boundaries in the first 2 to 3 weeks (eldest DC physically pushed me). I retained discipline and didn't budge on punishments despite the circumstances. Finally, if you can avoid avoid avoid the courts. Mediation has helped us and the DC's see their dad twice a week, staying overnight both times.

My STBXH is a twunt of the highest order. But he is their father and for their sake, I am totally focussed on their needs alone.

My DS was destroyed by it. Has been under camhs and threatened suicide. Exh turned in to a twat of the highest order - and if course (in his twisted head) it's all my fault not his for just getting up and leaving one morning.
He 'couldn't' have DS stay and preferred playing football to seeing his son ... Now thinks it is my fault son doesn't really want to see him!

I'm 4 months in, had to move away for various reasons. Children are 5 & 1, both seem pretty unshaded by it really. 5 year old very occasionally mentions missing her dad/house/friends but on the whole is really happy. They've only seen him twice since we split but this is likely to increase soon, I'm not looking forward to it as he try's to upset them to get to me. However he has been fully warned that if he continues on with it he won't be seeing them any more without taking me to court.

Homely1 - we live within walking distance of each other and the child arrangements were agreed between us without the need for mediation or the court.
We do see each other a fair bit and will do things together e.g. we all went out for pizza together for DD's birthday last weekend. ExH might irritate the hell out of me (& maybe I do to him) but we maintain a united front in front of the children.

Both of us also have new partners. My OH is now living with us and, apart from being a little stricter than their father, gets on fine with the children. ExH also has a new woman in his life who sounds lovely and the children, DD especially, seem to like her.

I know we have some pitfalls to come but the situation now is so much better for all of us than staying together would have been.

Thank you for sharing

we made contact arrangements between us and there is a reasonable amount of flexibility if necessary (eg parties etc). We are now civil although I still cannot bear the thought of the OW

Homely contact arrangements were made between us. Ex lives 2 hours including a ferry ride away. I do one side of the journey to the ferry port each time. He moved away from us.