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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Childs opinion

21 replies

madmotherof2 · 11/09/2015 10:10

Hi,

I'm fairly sure there is an age a child gets to that means they are old enough to have opinions on contact?

Does anyone know what this age is?

Thanks

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Bellemere · 11/09/2015 10:15

There is no set age - their level of maturity and their understanding of the situation is more important. In my personal experience, opinions were listened to from age 4, then a recommendation was made based on the child's best interests.

Original poster

madmotherof2 · 11/09/2015 10:21

Thanks Bellemere.

Our Son is 11 ( 12 in Nov). He is desperate to go on a scout camp, over his dad's weekend, in October. He missed the spring camp as his dad refused ( and then ended up working!) and his dad has refused again. I have offered to share one of my weekends and said that he is welcome to arrange to have son after school. All was refused.

Son is on a real downer at the moment. His Dad tends to work all weekend that son is normally there ( so DS spends the whole weekend stuck in the house with his Dad's wife and other children) so he finds it frustrating that his Dad still won't allow him to take part in other activities.

Son even asked his Dad himself and he told him no.

OP posts:

Original poster

madmotherof2 · 11/09/2015 10:22

Sons opinion is that he can see his dad whenever, but he won't get to go on this scout camp again

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Bellemere · 11/09/2015 10:26

Is there a court order in place currently?

ThighsofThunder · 11/09/2015 10:27

Is contact court ordered? Tbh in your situation I would not send him to his dad's that weekend so he can go on camp. If dad is petty enough to pay to take you to court for "breaching the agreement" you can earnestly explain that since he works most weekends when ds is there anyway you thought it would be best for everyone involved. Arse.

Original poster

madmotherof2 · 11/09/2015 11:26

There is a court order but it's very old ( son was 2 when put in place) so things have moved on incredibly.

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coffeeisnectar · 11/09/2015 11:34

Personally I would send my child on the camp.

He's risking alienating his son for life and this insistence on son being with him regardless of his sons wishes smacks of pettiness rather than what's in his sons best interests.

Send your son to camp and if he wants to take you to court, let him. I doubt court would look favourably on this kind of behaviour. Contact is meant to be in t he best interests of the child and if his dad is working then I can't see how this is in his best interests. Put it this way, if dad can't make an effort to have some weekend time with his son then why should his son miss out on a trip he wants to go on.

As he gets older he will be doing more things at weekends with friends and quite honestly the original court order needs to be changed or binned.

Send him to camp and deal with the fallout. I doubt he will take you to court but if he does then use that to get your sons wishes heard.

titchy · 11/09/2015 11:40

If you can't agree (mediation?) you can go to court for a specific issue order over this weekend rather than an amendment to contact.

Jw35 · 11/09/2015 13:54

What an arsehole! Send him anyway and let his Dad take it to court if he wants to be childish. He's nearly 12 ffs

Original poster

madmotherof2 · 11/09/2015 16:49

Thanks all. I've sent his Dad a text saying that son really wants to go and that we need to find a way that he can. He hasn't replied and I doubt he will but at least I've tried.

I understand Son can't do everything, but everything is either hit with an outright no or sometimes he doesn't either acknowledge it, almost like he thinks it'll just go away. The fact is he does this to get at me, to punish me, but ultimately it's Son he really upsets, but I honestly don't think he cares. He's always spoken about Son like he's a possession, rather than a human being with feelings

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Original poster

madmotherof2 · 12/09/2015 21:31

He's still being a knob over it

Now he's claiming there's a big family do on that weekend. So thursday he didn't know if he was working or not that weekend, suddenly now there's plans. I know he's doing it as he knows i can't push it now. Fuming for son, he's desperate to go. I really hope his dad isn't lying!

I'm so annoyed that I gave ex 6 months notice of this camp ( he didn't reply but that's not unusual!) and now suddenly there's plans!! What more can I do?!?!?!?

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Fiddlerontheroof · 12/09/2015 21:38

Just ignore him, and send your son. Really. Life is too bloody short. My ex also refuses to take kids to activities or support them, classic one a few years ago refusing to take his daughter to rehearsals for her show as it was on his day, and spoilt Sunday dinner that they liked to have at 5pm. It was a nightmare. Just send him to camp, he can strop all he likes, and if he wants he can go and get the order updated, and if that includes your sons wishes, he can say he wants to go to camp can't he? Xxx

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 12/09/2015 21:38

Send him. Thats it.

Original poster

madmotherof2 · 12/09/2015 21:43

Thanks Fiddler.

I told him today that I was going to send him and that if he wanted to stop me then he'd have to go to court to stop me. His reply was that I had to go to court first!

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Alanna1 · 12/09/2015 21:43

I'd ask what the family "do" is first. Then I'd ask that you all sit down together with your son and talk about it all. If he doesnt agree, I'd ask if you can set that up with an external mediator, too. I'd also keep offering to swop some of your time for it. Do as much as you can in writing.

Bellemere · 12/09/2015 21:48

I agree with Alanna. Technically he's right - under the current court order, he has to be with his father that weekend unless you apply for a specific issue order/variation.

Original poster

madmotherof2 · 12/09/2015 21:52

Thanks Alanna,

He just said its a family get together with all the grand children, grand parents etc. So basically speaking it's probably no different to a normal weekend really.

I've offered to share a weekend with him and that he is welcome to arrange further contact if he likes, all has been hit with a no as that's " his right ". His dad says he's doing the right thing for his Son but he's totally refusing to acknowledge his son begging him to let him go!

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Original poster

madmotherof2 · 12/09/2015 21:55

Hi Bellemere, the current court order is fairly well void now, if ex wants to go by that he'd only have son for 3 hours on a Sunday afternoon! It was written when son was very young and we were only just setting up contact as we had supervised contact at first.

One of the stipulations in the court order is that ex has to allow son to attend birthday parties ( assuming he is offered alternative contact) as even then he was always kicking off about it.

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Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 12/09/2015 22:19

Remind him of court order being 3 hours. List reasonable things you would like on any new contact order. Like holidays, christmas, his friends parties, sleepovers, childcare if his time/hes working, special weekends, your family celerbrations, blah

Fiddlerontheroof · 12/09/2015 22:22

Sorry,my message was a bit curt. But I'm so sick of the whole 'it's my day ' thing. It's not his day, it's his son who wants to do an activity, and he shouldn't be stopped because his Dad wants to see him. As my kids are getting older I'm fighting this battle more and more. My son missed a whole year of footy training last year because his dad was constantly saying they can't do activities on my day. I also offer him the opportunity to choose any other day he wants, but he refuses to swap things around or be in anyway.Accommodating. It's very hard. I don't however have a court order, as he refused to take me to court as he doesn't want to be pinned down to anything, and will cancel contact if something better comes along!

Ask your son what he wants to do, if he's adamant he wants to go to camp, send him. Ignore all further correspondence except to just keep offering him a swap. Your court order is so old now x

Sigh

Original poster

madmotherof2 · 12/09/2015 22:33

Thanks both.

Funnily enough ex is always too happy to drop son if he's got something more important going on in his life, not too often but it definitely happens at least a couple of times a year. Obviously family time isn't so important that day then?!

I'm speaking to ex on Monday, In the meantime I want to write down everything that I want to say, how I think things need to change and how I plan on helping them to change. Probably won't get anywhere but it's always worth a try..

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