Tips please

[nectarini1983]

Hi...would really appreciate some pearls of wisdom!

I wondered if you could give me a few ideas of what to expect...I am in the process of separating with husband of 6 years: been together 10 years, got a house together, 2DCs and another on the way.

My reason for leaving:he's an alcoholic and "functioning" regular cocaine user and I've just had enough. This pregnancy was a surprise but it's made me realise that enough is enough.

Wondering where I stand on keeping the house? (My parents gave us the deposit and money to extend it I have put in) and also, what would happen re him having access to the kids? For obv reasons my major concern would be that he'd have access but would not keep them safe.
He is selfish, arrogant and can be quite rough with the kids which also concerns me.

Really hope someone can tell me the likely outcomes and what to expect as have very little knowledge about the ins and outs of family law!

X

Should have made myself clearer: I'm not leaving...want to get him out!

I had the same reasons for separating as you nectarini & can totally empathise. I'm now divorced, 6 years on & ex has been through detox, is now clean & sober & is 100% better father. But it took my leaving to do that.

You could probably do with some legal advice whether you want to start divorce proceedings or not. If you can't afford a solicitor then make an appt with the CAB who are also good. Once you know where you stand it makes it easier & also you are less likely to be bullied by him if he tries that.

There are also child contact centres for instances where parents cannot be trusted to see their children in their own homes. I don't know the ins & outs of them but it may be worth looking into.

Are you doing OK emotionally?

Midnight...thank you so much for replying. I'm okay although in a funny limbo in many respects...both re this and being pregnant again. No one really knows the ins and outs of what's been going on, family and close friends know bits, I guess it's shame on my part, as sounds ridiculous that I've put up with it for so many years if I say it out loud!

He's very volatile in that when he's nice I think (like I have for years) that I can put up with it. But then he starts drinking etc he changes and turns in to a complete pig.

I know he won't ever change as he truly doesn't think he has a problem...as all his friends do the same...not the drinking every night but the coke. They're all successful men too so that justifies his thinking that it's not an issue.

He feels I'm being selfish for making the kids not have a dad at home. (He's got issues from his childhood re not seeing his dad since he was 5 so in his eyes it's a dad at any cost).

I'm worried I'll crack up if I don't do something about it soon. Also worried that he'll lie and deny he's got alcohol and drug issues and get access to the kids... he works and puts on a good show for an audience. Thats been my reason for nit leaving him before. Also concerned that my kids are somehow going to become like him when they're older.....

I guess I'm just scared of the unknown to be honest but know that it's got to be better than this.

I once heard a thing & I can't remember what it was called but basically it says you define normality according to the people around you. So if you are surrounded by people who drink & take coke then it becomes the norm & therefore its ok! Rang true in my case :)

Let people know, the shame is not yours! All you ever did is try to support your husband & your marriage & that's why you stayed. You have done nothing wrong, all you have done is shown trust in someone whom you should be able to trust & its backfired on you. Remember the 3 C's of addiction:

You didn't cause it

You cannot control it

You cannot cure it.

He will say all sorts of things to you to try to shift the blame from himself & usually back onto you. You will become the baddie & the one who has a problem. But you know its not true & you can stand firm, you can. You need to model a healthy adult relationship for your children & this is not it. You did not 'break up the family' or any such nonsense, you are just in a position that cannot be maintained for your & the kids sake.

I have to run to school, sorry if its a bit garbled :)

Everything you have said makes perfect sense.

He's just text to say he's going to stay with his brother on Friday. He always says he'll go and hen doesn't. He was meant to leave last Sunday but them 'lost his van key '.

I know it's the right thing just wish I had a crystal ball to see the future that things will be okay. Dread the thought of him finding someone else, which he will cos he's a man and that's what they do!

Midnight - How old were your children when you left their dad? What is their relationship like now?

Mine are 6 and nearly 4. Worried they'll blame me...

DS1 was 5, had just started reception class & been at school for 2 weeks so my timing could have been much better. But I just snapped one night, it wasn't a planned split. DS2 was 4 months old, still a baby. It was hard for the first year as I had to leave my house, my job & my car as I moved back to my home city that was a couple of hours away. But I have a new DP now, well been seeing him for 5 years & I don't regret my decision one bit. Have never regretted it :)

I didn't care when my ex found someone else, I thought that she was welcome to him! He's had a few girlfriends since but is getting married next year & I couldn't give the tiniest of shits, I've just moved on.

The kids haven't blamed me, they are 10 & 6 now & I just told them that daddy & I would be happier living apart & they accepted it. Don't go into the details, they don't need to know. I presented it as a joint decision so no blame was attached to either side but its very human to have the instinct to blame the other partner. I know that when it was very raw I wanted to take my eldest & explain exactly why we were going & whose fault it was, but I didn't. He's asked to know more & I said I'd tell him when he was older, as there's no way a 10 year old would possibly understand addiction. I don't think I'll ever tell him exactly what I went through in those dark years, there's no need.

Their relationship with their dad is 100% better than it was. When we were married he wouldn't see DS1 from one Saturday to the next as he was always at the pub, late back & lying in in the mornings & when he did see him he was drunk & untrustworthy. Since he's detoxed he's the father that they need although a bit of a Disney dad at times. They also have DP as a stepfather so now they have 2 good male role models as opposed to none at all. I was conscious as well that if I hadn't have gone they would have seen my dysfunctional marriage & thought it normal & possibly perpetuated it as adults themselves. I tried to imagine if I had a daughter who was in my marriage & what I would say to her.

If your ex refuses to leave then see a solicitor about what rights you both have. Stop cooking for him, stop doing his washing/ironing etc :)

Sorry DS1 was 4!

Thank you so much, I've read what you've written a couple of times to digest it, it sounds like you did the right thing without question and certainly haven't looked back. I guess I'm partly scared I'll do it and then wait up panicking thinking 'what have I done?'!

I don't know why I'm so bothered about him meeting someone else or having more children? Not so much for me but to try to keep my kids lives as clutter free as possible!

I do often think how it would break my heart if my daughter was married to/ putting up with someone like her Dad. Especially if Ive set the example that accepting that kind of behaviour is okay.

You've kept a very dignified silence by the sounds of things: my instincts right now are to scoop my kids up and blame it all on him! I need to try to stay in the house though as don't think my parents could cope if we moved in permanently!

Can I ask about your actual divorce please: did you have to agree access etc in order to get divorced? Who got the house etc? Did you file the petition, after how long and on what grounds?

It's all a bloody minefield! Emotionally and otherwise....