Cheating, debts & a toddler. What have I done?

[KatsMother28]

What a f*ckin mess. I have been with my husband for 16 years and for at least 14 of those been unhappy for various reasons. We lived with his mother for the first 8 years and have had debt problems from the word go. He has anger management and finance control issues along with continuous cycles of depression.

There's always been a reason (excuse) for me not to leave, either things looked as though they may one day get better or simply that deep down underneath all the crap I still loved him.

We got married 6 years ago (which at the time I knew was a mistake but couldn't see a way out & felt it was 'expected' of me) and had a daughter 4 years ago who is the only real bright spot in the whole relationship.

Things have been getting steadily worse over the last couple of years with us sinking further & further into debt but things came to a head a few months ago when I found he'd spent almost £4k on one credit card in the space of a year (£800 in the last month alone).

This has forced my hand and we are now in the process of setting up a DMP which should see us debt free in 5 years with just a mortgage and secured loan to pay for. So far so sorted.

Now comes the messy part. This weekend I slept with someone else. I am not proud of it, over the 16 years I have had many opportunities to cheat and never have. But for some reason this weekend something snapped and I crossed the line. It's made me realise how unhappy I am in this relationship and how desperate I am to get out.

What's worse is that my husband is currently signed off (unpaid) for 2 weeks so far through depression and so this is at the worst possible time.

I spoke to him last night & confessed all including how I no longer love him or desire him and haven't for months. I have been putting on a brave face but despite saying to him several times I am not happy to him this is out of the blue.

Until recently we were even discussing having a second child, but on my part this was because I wanted my daughter to have a sibling not because I thought it would fix things for us.

My husband is now in bits at home, my daughter is with his mum at her house and I'm in my friends spare bed hating myself for being so selfish and for not doing the decent thing years ago when we weren't so far entangled.

Any advice, please?

I should also say that the debts I total (including 2 overdrafts (£1300) and a credit card (also £1300) from me total £29k so we're not talking a small amount of debt. A lot of it was taken out to consolidate other debts and then the original cards etc got used again - because - yet again I was too weak to put my foot down and deal with the problem

What's the mortgage like? If you sell up will it clear the debts? Do you work, are you able to get your own rental place?

Of course what you did was wrong but you know that but now its time to just deal with it and separate. He needs to deal with his own issues without you as a crutch.

The mortgage is in negative equity due to having a Northern Rock secured loan attached to it. So no help there.

Also he's insisting on not wanting to give up the house despite the fact he can't afford it on his own and is using the turmoil it will cause our DD as a reason to get me to stay.

I work 24hrs a week over 3/4 days.

Would you have any chance of getting social housing? Assume you'd get some benefits, hopefully work would be flexible to help you fit around nursery /school. I assume you cant rely on your dh for pick up etc.
I'd get onto cab for some advice on how best to split the debts esp if he wants to keep the house (that could go up in value over time).

I think all there is to do mow is make a plan and get out asap.
There's a long running thread of people paying down debts that's worth a look for advice and inspiration. Sorry cant like from my phone.

He's actually a really good Dad. That's one thing I can't take from him. He's talking about keeping her and me leaving.

Not sure about social housing, I'm going to go the CAB tomorrow to find out.

I feel terrible as though I'm putting my own needs above that of my Dd.
he could end up bankrupt back living with his mum & stepdad. Do I have a right to destroy lives like this just so I can be free?

What do you want re custody? 50/50 or?

Unfortunately it not as simple as you leaving is destroying things so staying would make it ok. Your husband has responsibility in all this too esp as it sounds like he has run up most of the debt. If you stay you wont be happy neither will your husband and nothing good will come of that for your daughter. Better she feels secure in two places than insecure in one.

I'm afraid I'm no good with a lot of this but re the debts:

• is your DMP with a fee charger or is it free? Eg. are the DMP company taking any of your monthly payment for themselves? If they are then you should look at going elsewhere for free advice

• how sure are you that the Northern Rock loan is secured? I ask as I've dealt with a hell of a lot of people who assumed it was but actually had a together mortgage (where you've got the mortgage, and the unsecured loan element). Check your paperwork because if this is your situation then the unsecured part can be included in whatever debt solution you look at without it impacting on your home.

• don't forget that you have no responsibility towards any debts that are solely in his name.

His debts aren't your fault. If he goes bankrupt then that's not your fault. If he's spent £4k on a credit card that he can't repay then he needs to deal with the consequences from that.

Thanks for writing guys. Feeling very low tonight.

I'd be more than happy for equal custody as I don't want to deny either of them each other. He dotes on her and she loves him to bits.
The DMP is with step change so is free and the loan with NRAM is definitely secured as it says it on the paperwork.
Couldn't stand the guilt to see him homeless and bankrupt but that's what my leaving would essentially mean.
Would be better if I were dead. At least then he'd get my insurance money and Kat would get to stay at home.

Good luck today time for the nursery run here.