My husbands an alcoholic, has been for 18 of the 23 years we've been together. 6 years ago he got dry, that lasted 4 yrs. He has always suffered from depression and his first doctor needed him to be dry before he could assess the depression but my husband never went back after getting dry. It took 4 years and a relapse back to the bottle to get him to go to the doctors and finally get help for the depression. The past two years have been a rollercoaster. His drinking in constant. He's given me the ultimatum of "let me drink or I'll kill myself" so many times I'm numb to it. He's promised to get dry, be better, get better, get help so many times its become nothing more than a rerun of over familiar words and phrases.
last year my 35 yr old cousin died of alcohol related illnesses leaving behind 4 children, the youngest was 6, same as our youngest. It hit me hard, seeing what those kids went through and picturing ours going through the same. My Mother in law also died from alcohol related issues. He's so screwed up about his mums death but cant see that our kids will be the same over his death. Our daughters best friends mum, who lived across the street from us for 10 years died from liver failure, alcohol, again! None of these tragedies hit him as being a glimpse of our future.
On the day of my cousins funeral he tried to OD in front of our (now)19yr old daughter. He's asked our 15 yr old daughter (when she was only 13) to put a knife in his chest and kill him. Our 6 yr old little girl wont talk to him or be alone around him. He tells us he wants "his freedom" and hates "earning his life" meaning he wants to be able to drink what he wants and doesn't want to work. He's said many crappy things about fatherhood, the latest was "you're all a debt hanging round my neck" which he said to our 22 yr old son when our son tried to confront him about the 4 bottles of vodka he'd just bought! Needless to say it hit a nerve and I watched helplessly and stunned as our eldest boy punched his fist through the door and stormed out the house and when he returned his only words were "I had to get out or it would of been his face I hit next". If that's the damage this man is causing our eldest who can rationalise, verbalise and understand, then what damage is he causing the youngest! He's told me he hates the roles he has to play and the first role he mentioned was "father". He compared choosing between drinking and staying with us as akin to choosing which of his sons to shoot first. It was weird, like really, did he really say that getting rid of booze is akin to shooting his child.
He's currently off work on Statutory sick pay (5 weeks now) and continues to spend @£100 per week on vodka if it wasn't for his uncle sending us extra money we'd be totally screwed financially. His boss has told him he can't return to work till he's sober. I've told him that he has to choose, alcohol or us and he's promised to reduce it but its been a week and its still a bottle a day.
Hes verbally and emotionally abusive, to me mostly, but he has said cruel things to the children. He turns on the charm to his dad, his uncle, boss, doctor - tells them all exactly what they want to hear and then comes home and rants at me, usually ending with some crappy insults, degrading comments and general humiliation. He recently told his boss that I have "teeth in her vagina, that's how much of a bitch she is".
Our sex life is dire, and I keep telling him how hard I find it to be affectionate to someone who's so cruel to me. A few days ago I refused sex, he got verbally abusive so I took my pillows to the sofa (my usual sleeping place to be honest!) he followed me and continued to yell so I tried to leave the room, he grabbed me and threw me down, luckily the sofa was behind me but I still banged my head and arm pretty badly. Our 19 yr old daughter called the police and he was taken away to his fathers to cool down.
Well he returned the next day in a foul mood, completely unaccepting of what he did and furious that someone had phoned the police, so much so that we all agreed no to tell him who actually called them out of fear of how he'd react.
I'm the one running the household, I'm calling doctors, therapists, benefit helplines trying to get him all the help I possibly can but he doesn't think its help he thinks its me controlling him.
I'm also looking for a job and have had an offer of full time work. I don't think I can take the job because he straight away presumed it meant him being able to leave work and be home full time with the kids but I cant trust him with them. the youngest two are 11 and 6, the girls are 14,15 and 19 the boys 20 and 22. There have been times in the past when I've had to leave him with the younger kids and he just goes in his bedroom closes the door and ignores them. He has tried to pick them up from school one day completely drunk, I was at the dentist and had to leave mid treatment to collect them because school refused to him take the children. I cant trust him not to drink around them. I cant trust him to get them to school and pick them up so how the hell can I work full time and leave him home alone with them. Our 6 yr old, as a I said earlier, wont be alone around him so she would have to go to pre/after school club. That means our 3 teens all coming home from secondary school and walking into what ever state he is in on that particular day - he could be fine and ready to cook a fresh meal, he could be drunk and moody and ready to argue with the world, he could be fast asleep, unconscious from a days drinking meaning the 3 of them would be fending for themselves till I got home which I wouldn't be until 6pm, after school club finishes at 530 which would leave our 15 yr old responsible for picking the youngest up from the afterschool club if dad is incapable and how does she explain that because I'm pretty certain if she said "I have to collect my sister because dads passed out drunk" then they wouldn't let her take her and would probably be very concerned about the other two kids at home with him.
I don't know what to do next, how much longer do I give him or do I accept that I've tried and he doesn't want to change and admit defeat and be honest with myself that the drink is really more important to him than us.
I'm lost at the moment.