Keep thinking of divorce but unsure, plus i will be so alone

[camelia66]

hi my first post here.
I spend around 50% of my waking life wondering if I'd be happier if we split. I've felt like this for a few years.
I'm 49, We've been together 32 years, married for 22, 2 Dd's 18 and starting uni in a few weeks and one 16 starting 6th form.
DH is quite depressed but absolutely categorically WILL NEVER seek help, have tried and tried till blue in the face. He is negative, moody, downbeat, has social anxiety which I do sympathise with but it means we have no friends as a couple, not affectionate any more (never was massively), he has no interests or hobbies as his job takes up too much time and leaves him tired (been in it 30 yrs and complained for 25 of them and never applied for another job). We share no interests except the DD's and I know he would give his life for them as would I, so I guess we share that.
Holidays and days out are nearly always spoiled by moods, or if there's lots of traffic, we get lost, can't find nice pub etc and it ruins it. DD's are both aware what he's like but not aware of how I feel.
Not sure I can stand another 20/30 whatever years like this. We are ok for money but he hates spending it. He refers to everyone on TV or real life as "that ick" that "knobead, what a ba*tard etc and swears a lot.
If he's in a mood, he never ever hits me or anything but grunts replies, or ignores, makes little eye contact at any time, moody or not.
I just feel something is missing in our relationship, particularly when I see/listen to other couples. There's never a special little smile, wink, hand squeeze etc. I don't feel special. I've tried being more loving/tactile but he doesn't get it and sometimes says what's this for then.
My DD's will soon have their own lives and even now I find when we are alone I am either bored as we've no conversation hardly or hurt by silences.
The worst thing is I lost my darling Mum last year, we were so so close and I still cry daily and miss her tons. I'm an only child and if we divorce, I quite literally will have nobody except DD. I have a couple of friends I meet up with and I'm friendly with clients from work but they are not friends as such.
So when I'm not feeling too brave, it scares me to death. But then other times I feel uplifted at the thought of being on my own,
Its mainly communication, I feel, and he's never been fab at that but it's worse now.!
However ... He loves the girls so much, helps a bit with chores, works hard, knew all my now-deceased family, we have shared a lot in the past and that's what binds us. But is it enough?
There's no abuse or hitting. He never complained when I moved in with my mum to care for her in her last few weeks with her cancer. Altho he was comforting for about 3 weeks then he said, I can't cuddle you every time you cry coz it's going to happen a lot. And I kid you not, he never put his arm round me when I cried again after saying that.
I just feel I've not got a very deep of meaningful relationship although it's perfectly bearable. If I was 70 I would just shrug and think, ah well. But at 49 I don't think I should feel like this.
Any advice welcome
Sorry for the long post.

Sounds like me. I have been married for 28 years, children 20 and 18 and constantly unhappy and lonely. No abuse or anything, just no love left. At 50 I feel I have no life. He is stuck in his ways and ready to retire and I want to travel and enjoy life now my kids are grown up. I don't want to waste the next 30 years seeing my friends enjoying life whilst I just exist.
So 2 months ago I made the decision to separate, we are selling our joint house and buying our own. It's quite amicable at the moment. He accepts its over.
It's very very scary dealing with things alone, like house buying, solicitor, getting a mortgage etc etc but I already feel so much happier. I have my down days when I feel frightened about a lonely future and how will I cope financially etc, but overall I feel excited for a new life and ready to start a new chapter. I feel that even on my own I can't feel as lonely and unhappy as I do in a marriage I don't want to be in.
So my advice is be brave. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life 'accepting' things as they are, then change them.

Good luck.

Clarissa thanks for replying, very interesting. Can I ask how long you felt like this? My girls are a bit younger than yours and it's gone through my mind that maybe I should wait a couple more years til my youngests done a-levels and eldest nicely settled at uni. Did you try to get the timing right or had you just had enough?

I don't feel daunted at the house/solicitor/finance things as I've always dealt with that as DH wanted to do nothing except sign his name in the appropriate place!

And altho I say I will have nobody to discuss things with etc, I haven't now really as I don't get much response. As with yours, he's ready to retire and already talks of himself as old, has done for a few years.

I agree with Clarissa, you need to be brave. You are not living a happy and fulfilling life, but with your kids on the brink of flying out into the world on their own, you have 2 choices ...
Stay and accept that this is how it will be and grow old and grey and bored with a man who gives you no affection or joy, or
Take the chance to leave, whilst you're still young enough to forge a new future, one where you can experience the world and make new friends and experience new things and maybe even meet someone special.
Without him dragging you down you'll have more time and energy to do things you want, that make you happy.
As for your girls they will be mature enough to handle all this as long as you are honest with them.

Hi Camilla66, I have felt this way for many years. I always had it in the back of my mind to separate when the kids went to uni - although I never actually thought that I would have the nerve to do it.
It all came to a head whilst my daughter was working towards her A'Levels, so not the best of times, but I dont know that there ever is a good time. With hindsight, I should have done it a few years earlier I think. Once she got to about 16 she noticed how poorly I was being treated and how unhappy I was. She then took it upon herself to keep backing me up, which caused a rift in the relationship between her and her dad and made things even worse. Looking back, it wasn't a good role model of a marriage for her to have, which is why I wished I had done things a bit earlier.
I came across a quote which made my mind up for me "never stay in a marriage you wouldn't want your daughter to be in" - makes a lot of sense!

Hi camelia & welcome to mumsnet :)

Crikey what a lonely life you are forced into at the moment! I'm sorry to hear about your mum

It can be daunting but it sounds as though you would make friends easily enough if you didn't have him hanging around your neck. Did you have friends before you were married? They can be easy enough to find as a single woman if you do clubs & the WI etc, get about & look for friends :) Don't let the depression guilt you into staying either, if he refuses to seek help for it then you can't support him really, all you can do is live with it & as you know its a crushing relentless grind to do so that influences every little daily thing.

You know that you need more than this, its just taking that frightening step to do so but once you have then you will look back & wonder why you stayed for so long. From your post it seems as though you are emotionally ready for it, have detached from him & its just the fear of the unknown that's stopping you.

Be brave, it will be OK & do it :)

I don't have any experience of divorce and don't normally comment on these threads.. But - his comment 'I can't cuddle you every time you cry' after your mum died? That broke my heart for you OP. Please don't stay in a relationship that makes you sad.

Thanks for the replies. Midnight velvet you are spot on about the fear of the unknown. Absolutely.

I can't help feeling it's not going to do my 16 yr old & her a-levels any good if we split while she's doing them. Wondering whether to wait? If it could affect the rest of her life.

To put a new slant on it, something I read suggests he might have aspergers? The pointers are: little eye contact, the social anxiety, no communication skills. Is it possible to be with someone all these years and not actually realise?

It's very possible. I am a special needs teacher and works with children with Aspergers a lot. Lots of adults weren't diagnosed as children and just grew up being socially awkward adults. The same is true for adults with other conditions such as adhd and dyslexia. They often only realise they have problems when they see them manifest in their own children, who today are more likely to be diagnosed early.

Thanks. The symptoms do fit. Which would explain a lot but unfortunately still doesn't make me feel any better about the state of our relationship, in fact if that's the case it probably means he would never be any different.

Neither of our DD shows any signs whatsoever though.
I know a couple of people with Aspergers and it's very obvious that there's something different about them. Whereas with DH there isn't. Can it vary?
Makes me feel worse about the whole thing. Am I mean?

Don't worry about your dds.
Mine have just done a levels and GCSEs and were told about divorce at Xmas.
They can see how happy I am now.

mrsdavidbowie glad you're happier now. Are you now living apart? And where are DDs?
Did they suspect it was coming?

Hi camelia. You could be me. Uncommunicative DH, tight with money, lack of affection, DCs almost grown up and ready to fly the nest. I am the cheerleader in our relationship too, and I feel sad and exhausted by it. (My DH also has no social life or any interest in going out or doing anything different unless I instigate it.

How selfish of your DH to say that about you crying over your mum. If you can't count on your DH for emotional support at a time like this, then what is the point?

I am very interested to read what others have to say, as I am scared to make that leap myself. Good to read such uplifting stories already, I hope there are lots more. I wish you the courage to make a new life for yourself, a life with joy and hope.

Great comments on this thread. Thought provoking.

I am worn out having to arrange everything in house and every family activity, while wife sits back doing zero but moaning.
I too am keen to read what others have to say, as I am scared to make that leap.

Few days on, I am still very interested to read what others have to say,
as I am scared to make that leap myself.

Thought I'd come back and update.
I really appreciated all the comments :) thank you.
Well we are having a better spell atm, eldest at uni but missing home hugely and is back often and we are enjoying some lovely family times. Pretty enjoyable actually.
DH is more his old self although still a few issues and times when I feel unsettled again.
Several of you responded to my thread and are in a similar sort of position - how are things with you all? Have you reached a decision yet or are things better? Would love to hear x

I came across this post while googling about leaving a long term relationship. I have been with my partner for 20 years. We have 2 kids, 4 and 7. Our relationship goes though periods of being "OK". By meaning ok, we still have sex, we communicate, we can have a laugh (sometimes). But he is the same as the OP described, angry, depressed, demotivated and not at all happy with his life. He is sometimes emotionally abusive. He has said some awful things to me, in front of the kids. We relocated to another country a few years ago. Our original plan to earn money here didn't work out, but in the meantime I found a very good job where I can work from home. He hasn't made any effort to find work, although he doesnt need to its just the way our roles ended up being. But he thoughs stuff in my face about me working all the time. i know he has issues with his self esteem/ self worth, but he can't seem to bear the fact that I am successful and I earn the money. I need him to be here for the kids so I can work and I never ever question him about what he does and actually give him a huge amount of freedom. I also still have a lot of involvement with the kids, I still feed them, bath them, pick them up from school. Since we have lived abroad I have made some friends, he has not made an effort to meet anyone. He drinks way too much. I recently decided to make myself physically and mentally stronger. I lost weight, joined a gym and started to feel very positive. He hates it, he questions why I would want to join a gym etc. To be honest more than anything it is a distraction for me.
Anyway, 2 months ago his dad died suddenly (they weren't that close, but it seems to have brought even more anger, not about the death but about his childhood and relationship with his parents) but I feel all his negative emotions are directed at me. On xmas day he told me he has never felt truely loved and always felt out of my league. No amount of reassurance helps. Not the fact that I have been with him for 20 years, since I was 17 reassures him. The thing is, when he is happy, so is everyone else. But he wont get help.
Yesterday, my 7 year old has been acting a bit strange recently. He says he is sad about his Grandad who we rarely saw. But I think perhaps he is picking up on the atmosphere. I constantly feel I have to walk around on egg shells, I have to be careful when I bring up things and I feel like I am living under a microscope. I don't want to find anyone else, but he is pushing me further and further away. I genuinely love him, I dont want to hurt him, but I cant carry on like this.
My 7 year old also asked me yesterday why I lived with Daddy because he gets angry so easily. He is a good dad with them, but he sometimes is very critical and also has a very short fuse.
Any advice would be welcomed, how can you leave someone when they are so dependent on you and you actually do love them? I just know one thing, I cant go on like this.