Frightened of starting divorce

[SadLady2015]

Hello,
I have not been on here before. To cut a long story short. Married 20 years. 2 teenagers. Husband has had multiple affairs over years. Always very sorry and for sake of kids and because we were good together ????? And he was always so sorry and loving after we have stayed together and have never really come close to splitting (as far as I know!) Not known about anything for few years now. Was actually really moving on in myself. Then found out earlier this year about another one. 10 yrs younger and all that! Anyway went through usual routine if tears and sorrries only to find out it was not only continuing but he had rented a house (and furnished it) where they been together. Even then I wanted to sort it out but promises to get rid if house have never happened .. And there is so much more. Anyway he has been cold and cruel this time. He even left one night - told the kids he needed some time to sort himself out but that we wernt splitting up. I let him come back the next day.
I am a doormat. Utterly pathetic.
He doesn't love me even though I now can't seem to get him to leave. I haven't told anyone. I feel like I am going crazy. I emailed a solicitor today. Probably the first positive thing I have done.
How can I get the strength to see this through. All my future and the person I thought I loved has gone. Why do I keep letting him treat me like this? I am such a strong person in all other aspects of my life. Everyone would be horrified if they knew. I feel such a failure and worthless and unattractive.
Any advise welcome!
xxx

So sorry to hear that you are married to a total bastard. I would cancel the appointment with the solicitor, unless you really want one they are unnecessary for the actual petition but I highly recommend that you get one for the financial application, and a very good one. Maybe ask in MN local for recommendations.

I also recommend getting as much information on his financial affairs as you can. Any bank accounts, credit cards, stocks, etc. He sounds just like the kind of person who would hide these things.

Also, if you have a joint bank account, pay for as much as you can up front, school uniforms and trips, school meals DC have decent shoes etc. Make sure your food cupboards are full of non perishables and your freezer is full too, and get your car serviced. Basically anything that could be a cost once he has left that you can pay for now while you can.

Remember the bright, confident, loving person I'm sure you were before you met him. Remember the things you did before you were going through this hell. Make a list and take some action.

Spotify and music was something I did. Rediscovering the joys of life in some small way can really help.

Your marriage does not define you but you will need time to grieve it's demise!

Find 1 or 2 people you can really trust and talk to. To retell is to relive. When my DH told me he didn't love me anymore I said those words often and that can damage you more. Like picking a scab.

The law of cause and effect in strict so your DH will get his comeuppance, don't worry about that. You must think of you and your DCs now.

Be kind to yourself in every way. You will get through this and be stronger for it. A better life is just around the corner for you.

Everything the two previous posters said.

My situation was similar to yours.

You have to be brave. You are still there, you are just harder to see.

The sense of relief could be immense. You will grieve, and it's important to let the grief come, acknowledge it, and let it happen.

You no longer have someone making you feel small and inadequate, projecting his own inadequacies into you. You are better than him in every way.

Sometimes I feel guilty I am so happy. The only thing that brings me down is when I have to have anything to do with him. He said to me 'I don't know who you are anymore'. It was a huge compliment. It means I have moved on and I am different.

Be brave. Things do get better.

Sorry to disagree, but I would say get a solicitor. Mine is a massive help, and a huge support. I feel very safe with her and feel she is on my side.

Would he agree to mediation? I found it helpful as a way to gently lead us and untangle out lives.

Yes to paying for as much as possible now. Also start going through bank statements and do a spreadsheet of expenditure. And I mean every tiny, little expense of yours and the children. It is helpful to know exactly what you spend and what you need.

Hello SadLady & welcome to Mumsnet :)

You are not pathetic or worthless or a failure, how could you be as all you did was trust your husband & believe him when he made promises. That does not make you foolish, it makes you a wife & a nicer person than many out there. He has exhausted your patience & trampled all over your good nature one too many times which is why you are now here, the shame is his not yours.

I second the advice already given about the practicalities upthread, yes to getting a solicitor & yes to the financial advice.

It sounds as though he has detached emotionally from you & has been for a while whilst you are still emotionally invested in the relationship. It can take time to untangle yourself when you have lived with someone for 20 years & a marriage can play a huge part in self esteem & confidence & identity. You do have the strength to do this, the person that you loved has gone so turn your back on him & the past & look to the future. There's plenty of time to meet someone else & to forge a new life.

There's a good board on Mumsnet called Relationships where divorced women like me hang out :) & there is a whole group of women who will have shared your experience & who will listen to you & not judge you, it can be found on the main Topics page & I think its under Body & Soul. Feel free to post on there as well as here.

Take it slowly & be kind to yourself :)

Thank you all so much. It's made me tear up a bit this. Hiding at work for 10 mins! Going to read through all properly when home tonight but it's such a relief to hear people say things that I can relate to and not feel like it's just me. x

You are bound to get upset but you are more than capable of doing this. Have you managed to get any details of his wages, investments, pensions, expenditure yet?

I have made an appointment with a solicitor next week. He finally left yesterday. Came and got some clothes while I was out. I am absolutely gutted and in bits. I can't see how I can be without him at the moment. I have spent over half my life with him all my adult life. I wish I had never asked him to go. And I know he's a bastard and treats me badly. I know it's pathetic but I feel like he's still got me hanging. I am glad I have my kids or I think I would totally fall apart. At the moment I don't care about money. I just want to not feel this utter despair.

I can totally understand how you feel but you must care about the money, you have yourself and yiu radar to care for

Radar? Don't know where that came from! Meant you and your DC.

How are you today?