After six years of a largely unhappy marriage, with more misery and heartache (and lots of emotional as well as some physical abuse) I have decided I can't take it anymore and need to get a divorce.
Below I give the background detail but in short, even though my husband hates me as much as I hate him, and our children witness arguments each and every day, he has buried his head in the sand and says if I want a divorce then just do it. I ask if he'll discuss how he sees things working out in the future (with regards to the children, living arrangements etc) but he just blanks me and baits me with, ah you keep saying you'll do it but what have you done so far?
I am freelance and have done for the last four years, working from home, but at the moment I hardly make any money each month eg. not enough to even cover monthly groceries bill. But I am studying and will quality in the Autumn. It might take me time to find clients, but I'm determined to make it pay asap so I can still work flexibly around the children and because the cost of childcare (live in London) means that taking an office job, paying for commute travel plus wraparound childcare for two would mean I wouldn't have enough to pay a mortgage or rent let alone all the other things. I could move out of London but kids have just settled into school so I'm loathe to do that (although I appreciate I may not have a choice).
We live in a house that we own (both names on mortgage). Mortgage is interest only but we paid a large cash deposit, so would receive a decent lump sum if we sold the family home (I assume??). DH and his parents provided most of the deposit, but I did contribute a sizeable chunk.
Anyway, I appreciate I'm rambling a bit here so I guess what I really need to know is, what do I do next? And how do I get around the fact that DH won't get involved? I'm assuming that I can't go down the mediation route on my own (!) and that I should get a free half hour with a solicitor? If so, what should I prepare/collect in advance of this meeting? How do you know if they offer free consultations, does it just say on their website? I don't know all the financial savings information really because our only 'joint' account is in my husband's name and I have (had) a credit card - I say had because I lost it three years ago and DH has never applied for a new one for me. He's always refused to get a proper joint saving account, saying the system we had worked well (it didn't). All other savings are in his name (he has several savings accounts, which his well off parents deposit money into from time to time, but we have had to eat into them, I think, since I went freelance and ended up becoming more of a SAHM due to his long working hours/stress etc). DH does blame me for causing all the financial problems but the reason I took the decision to leave my office job and go freelance, is for the same reason he's just done the same (stress/depression). That said, it's looking like he'll get another job v soon. £50k+ salary.
I know it seems like I'm v into the finance side of things but, on the rare occasions my DH engages with the divorce topic, he just says well, where would be both live? We can't afford separate properties. So it does seem that it's the financials that are preventing him from instigating much-needed change.
Sorry again for rambling. I'm usually v well organised and decisive but I just don't know what to do for the best. (I also have a lot of guilt about how I've handled my emotions in front of the children, but I think I'll deal with that later, once I've sorted out the practicalities, because being organised and having a checklist/process to work through will - I hope - give me hope and focus for the future, something I don't have at the moment :-(