H offers 50:50 on house, but he chooses when I get it. A good settlement?

[damnstatistics]

please tell me should I doubt this could be a good financial settlement?
Things bad - but not abusive- with H for years, finally told him this week that I will be moving out. Can't do it for a few weeks because of DC's exams. H won't move, so I have to - really can't bear the tensions here any longer. My friend who I thought could put me up medium-term is now saying only for a couple of weeks. So I now need to find a rented house / flat - expensive in our area - and I will need to draw on savings to fund this as I am not working at the moment. I intend to find work when my course ends in Sept, but could earn only enough for hand to mouth existence.

H has acknowledged that I am entitled to half the value of house, but he wants to stay here and can't fund the full amount up front. He will probably be able to release enough ££ to buy a smallish house for me. At 50+ I doubt I could raise a mortgage?? H is saying he will delay releasing the funds because he still wants to reconcile thinks I haven't tried hard enough and it's all my fault . I am concerned not to get his back up any more than it is already so now thinking that I will leave the divorce petition until the 2 year separation period is up. I'm very concerned to be fair and to minimise conflict for sake of DS (teenager). I haven't taken solicitors advice yet but scared of high costs.

So - I will have to rent probably for a year at least and pay for this from my savings or small income. At the moment looking at room in shared house

• H gets to stay in big house with our DS
• if I can't find a reasonable place to rent then I will have to see DS at the marital home 3 days a week (the intention is for shared care). But a reasonable rented place with 2 bedrooms is even more expensive.
• H dictates the pace of release of funds for me to buy a house.
• There are some other assets - H's pension is 2x mine - savings and shares - which we have not discussed yet.

So your advice please:

• should I accept the quite substantial settlement which appears to be on the table (half the house)
• or should I press for full disclosure and more formal negotiation, knowing that this could escalate the situation and lead to loss of cooperation
• can I 'claim back' the rent I will have to pay?
• once I move out to rented, will i be considered to have adequate accommodation and therefore not entitled to marital assets?
• can I accelerate the pace of getting a settlement?? How do I find strength to negotiate?

This situation seems like what many men find themselves in when they move out of a family home. Now I am in it. I don't want to be greedy, I want to minimise further conflict, i want a nice (modest) home to share with DS.

You may get further advice by asking for this to be moved to the legal topic.

I haven't been through this but that seems the very minimum settlement, 50% of the house surely the pension and shares/savings should also be split. Your STBXH should not get to dictate the release schedule of the money either. What if he decides to give you £5,000 every year

I have a feeling that all divorces hit an acrimonious point eventually anyway and nothing about your description of your STBEH leads me to think he would be reasonable about it all.

No I wouldn't accept as little as 50% and certainly not to his schedule either.

You have seen a lawyer I take it? And him refusing to leave - I wouldn't presume you need to move out either. Don't agree to anything.

I agree. Don't move out before you have seen a solicitor won't cost as much as rent.

Do not consider his well-being or emotional state of mind. Rest assured, he will not be considering yours. Focus on being reasonable but not a pushover. Think about what is best for your children.

Do not settle for less than you are entitled too (eg your share of pension, savings, house, all other assets).

No no no no

See a solicitor, he/she will not let this happen I can assure you!
My solicitor got her panties in a wad over my 45/55 split

Thanks for comments - good support for seeing a solicitor!
It is the fear of conflict and non-cooperation that is holding me back. Would it not be better to have a not-so-good settlement but not have to pay big solicitors fees and risk lots of delays in providing financial details?

Oh but I have already delayed time and again because of fears - fear gets attached to whatever issue is in front of you.

It is me who is desperate to leave as I find the atmosphere and tensions at home getting worse and worse as time goes on - despite the fact that I will be apart from DS for half the week.

What about a separation agreement? Friends have said that a separation agreement is not binding and could be changed when it comes to the final settlement.

Also I presume that you were the main carer for your son over the years, worked part time for a period or a sahm? This would have affected your career prospects and pension contributions, so this needs to be taken into consideration too.

Have you managed to gather information about savings ? Bank statements, mortgage statements, shares information as this will all be beneficial to have copies of in the future. Put your and your DS passports and birth certificates somewhere safe. See if you can open a bank account in your own name that your husband cannot access. Can you transfer 50% of your combined savings and shares straight into this account? As marital as seats you are fully entitled to your share.

If you did decide to leave the marital home after getting legal advice then make sure your son goes with Hoyas you could also access tax credits and child benefit and you could possibly get help with housing.

If your house has enough equity to split it and you both buy suitable properties then actually that is what the court would usually support.

He's not being generous tbh.

Actually maccie we have shared the childcare fairly evenly over the years, taking turns, as jobs came and went, to be the main carer. So we both have taken a hit I guess in terms of career prospects. He used to have a very well paid job however and so has large pension.
I do have separate bank and savings accounts, although more of the savings and shares are in his name than mine.

Most of the assets are in the house and Random i do support DS staying here as it will be less disruptive for him, close to school etc. I also take the point that if we laid out all the assets and split them down the middle I would be getting more. I should not roll over and be grateful!

Maybe it is more about a negotiating stance - I would be prepared to take less in exchange for... what?... not going to court over it?... a quick settlement?

I think H is still reeling and denying and angry and thinks that because I initiated the split, he is the one not getting a fair deal; and that could play out in his approach to finances.

I will certainly look into tax credits, thank you maccie

Certainly not generous when you consider there is also savings pensions and shares. Oh and he can choose when you can receive anything. Not generous at all.

I can understand taking less settlement to keep things amicable but not when he basically is saying you move out with nothing and you should get what he thinks you should have and take it when he thinks you should get it.

Once you have moved out you will be very vulnerable and at his mercy.

Another thing is that your son is 16 and not really considered a child when it comes to residency and contact. He can very much vote with his feet and just see you both when he prefers. I can't imagine he would like being told whose day it is to visit and being collected/dropped off like a younger child would.

Please seek legal advice before you leave your home even if your adamant you have to move out. They could advice you with steps to take prior to leaving.

Go and see solicitor.
Write all your questions down and ask them one by one.
I believe you have right to everything split in half.

Yes and that is the point too about whether to leave the divorce petition for 2 years (meanwhile putting up with difficult financial situation) or to go for it now on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, and try to get things agreed quicker and on a more formal basis.

OK I will make an appointment for a solicitor - will phone on Tuesday.
(enjoy the bank holiday everyone! and many thanks for all the advice)

Please don't accept this without legal advice. You have no way of stopping his behaviour from becoming increasingly unreasonable as time goes on and you're basically handing all the power to him. And you're not in the same situation most men find themselves in when a marriage breaks down, because most men are earning a considerable percentage, if not the majority, of the family income.

Given he has stated his wish to 'reconcile' (or 'win', might be another way to describe it) you can expect contact visits inside the family home to be dreadful. You must find somewhere you can have your ds to stay. You want to avoid conflict and he will exploit that. You need a solid legal basis for any agreement you make.