Evenings are so hard, please tell me it gets easier??

[Hangingonathread33]

My head is messed up, dh and I split up less than a week ago ( it was my choice after many years of wanting to kick him out ), I have 2 children. The first few days were very hard for me but the pain began to eze, I am now fine during the day but the evenings are so lonely. I don't know why I feel like this as dh and I ignored each other when we were together anyway.

The children are in bed by 8.30pm and I find myself sat here feeling sorry for myself. I was so looking forward to being single, I wanted my life back, I wanted to go out and meet new people, I wanted to feel good about myself again but now I feel trapped as I can not go anywhere because I have the children to look after, I feel guilty asking people to baby sit even though the children would not even notice.

I am pleased that I am now single but I just wish I could get out in the evenings as they are so lonely. Before I met dh I was out every night with friends, I was confident and enjoyed meeting new people, I want to feel like that again without feeling guilty for leaving the dc's with someone else.

Is it normal to feel this way, will things get easier? Should I just grow up and accept that I can't have my old life back because I have dc's?

It's still very early days and must feel strange being without DH.
Things will settle down and you can start making plans.

You will get used to it. It must still be very raw. It's never going to be easy when your children are young but you have taken the first positive step towards being happy.
I'm not divorced by DH works away a lot and I have 4 from 12 down to 1yr. It's hard as we gave no family but I cling to the fact that it's not forever and they'll soon be up and off. Although I'm 45 so by the time DC4 is 18, I'll be past it at 62!

Give yourself time, even though it was your decision it must still feel very strange.

How are things financially? Could you get an au pair? Fairly cheap , a bit of help and a bit if company.

It does feel strange, I feel happy that I have finally took the step to improve our lives but at the same time I feel so lonely and sad to be sat here alone , people keep messaging me to ask if I'm ok and if I need anything but they are not real close friends and I don't feel I can say 'no, I'm not ok' or 'yes, I would like someone to keep me company', most are married so have their own families to wrroy about.

Yes you absolutly will! Do your best to fill the hours. Netflix, books ect...

It gets easier, much easier. My divorce solicitor said to me it took years of being a couple to identify as that, equally it takes time to find the 'me' from being we.

The last 'me' you identify with also happens to be pre DC. Understandably at that time you were pre DC. The me of now is a mum. I'm not saying that you don't want that, its just you've never been this before so you have no point of refference.

I used to have friends over once a week, they brought the pizza i provided the venue. I was the only single one amoungst my imediate group of friends. I used to get out sometimes in the day for a bit of personal space (i worked part time but DC were in nursery/ school)

Does your childrens dad have overnight contact that you can use to build a social life around?

Its very early days. Just keep breathing, eating and sleeping for now. Then take time to think what do I want and go for it.

Why not use this time to plan?
You know, get a nice mug of tea, a new notebook, put some music on and plan. Holidays, direct debits, birthday parties, picnics at the seaside, card games evening with friends, career moves, Christmas menu/ presents, MOTs and dentist appts, one new dish to try once a month, what cake you'll be baking every saturday etc.
also, look on youtube for exercise videos, or zumba for 30 min.
One night a week plan to go to bed early, in a clean made bed, straight after bath.
Spend some time giving tomorrow's outfit a think, set the table for breakfast, read something....

You need to make this valued you time. I have two cushions and a throw that are hidden during the day and once the kids are in bed I put them on the big sofa and it's my cosy corner. I have box sets I'm working my way through, a pile of books, some sewing projects etc. I quite often curl up with a notebook as a PP suggested and make plans for gardening projects, redecorating rooms, birthday present lists and ideas, research days out for school holidays.

There's no point comparing it to how your life used to be because this is a new life, it's going to be different. So make it a good difference, make this special quiet you time, where you get to relax and unwind. Have a bath with candles, music and a book. Clean sheets, a glass of wine, some nice chocolates and something on iplayer while I paint my nails is my Friday night treat
You'll adapt. It just takes some getting used to. Early days

Financially I am ok but I won't have any money coming in other than benefits now dh has gone, I have to apply for income support and housing benefit, both children have sn's so hard to find child care, I can afford a baby sitter a couple times a week but I feel guilty leaving them to go and have fun.

I know things will get easier, I just hate the thought of being alone forever and eventually would like to find someone else to share my time with ( someone who will treat me better than dh did ) but I don't know how I can do that when I can't go anywhere and when I have 2 children with sn's ( who's going to want to take that on?).

I have a severely Autistic son. He was three when XH left, undiagnosed but incredibly challenging. I have a younger son who was one.

I met my second DH, and lots of other interesting and not so interesting men, through Match. We now have a four year old DD.

It can happen. Don't undersell yourself or your children. You've lots to offer once you've remembered who you are and found your lust for life. One step at a time. This is just the end of one chapter and you're in control of writing the next one. Never forget the power and control you hold over your own destiny.

I absolutely know how you feel as I am in the same situation right now. Feel fine during the day while I run around after the children but the minute they are in bed I just wander around the house trying to think of what to do. I can only imagine it will get easier, I have had a few friends offer to come round and keep me company but like you say they have their own families or husbands and I don't want to be a burden.
I just wanted to let you know, I know how you are feeling and I am sure it will get better all I can say if people offer help then take it. even if it just means you get out one night a week to begin with. x

Thank you gemsio, sorry you are going through this too, it's so hard, I can't even concentrate on watching TV, feel totally lost.

Dd2 is home today, she refused to go to school and is very tearful, not sure if it's because she misses him or because she senses I'm upset. I'm going to pick the other one up from school and then take them out for something to eat to keep us all busy.

The weekend will be the hardest, I can't get a baby sitter, I will be sat here looking at people posts on fab saying they are going out and having fun.

I'm also in the same position. Please don't waste your weekends feeling miserable - do take them out and about and enjoy the freedom of being able to do so.

Maybe arrange some playdates over the weekend or look up some of the many single parent groups on FB?

when does their dad take care of them?

You are splitting from him - the children aren't... you are saying "I" a lot with relation to the children when that should still be "we" (or are they not his kids? sorry). You may have asked him to leave your marriage - but that does not mean he should walk away from his responsibilities as a father.

At the moment their dad has no where to live ( is homeless and Kipling on sofas ) so he can't really take care of them, I am pushing him to find a flat so hopefully in time they can stay over with him one or 2 nights at the weekends, he is seeing them but he is seeing them here, his mental health isn't great at the moment so I don't let him take them ( this will change in time ).

So far the weekend is bearable, not looking forward to the extra day but we are hoping to go out on Monday, their dad is visiting tomorrow, we are still on talking terms and are trying to get along for the kids, it wasn't a messy split ( though it has been very hard ), he has taken it quite badly but was struggling with mental health anyway which hasn't helped.

This sounds so similar to my situation too, except he has left me. my husband is obviously depressed at the moment but he too is Kipping at his brothers house.
Not matter how amicable you are it is still so difficult isn't it? I told my 5 year old daughter today and it was quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to do, she looked devastated. But after a lot of cuddles and reassurance that I wasn't going anywhere she seems okay now.
I hope you are feeling okay this evening, my kids are still up with me kind of keeping each other company. bed time for them soon, then a bit of crap TV for me.
It will get better in time for us I am sure of it. keep your chin up. xx

Feeling a bit lonely now the kids have gone to bed, I think I will go to bed soon rather than sit on my own. Both my daughters have taken it quite well though it's hard to tell, they maybe hiding their feelings, he is visiting them in the morning, not looking forward to it. Things will get easier xx

I hope today goes okay for you. x