so confused.

[gemsio]

Hi,
I haven't ever started a thread on here, but I just feel so alone, I needed to just get it out.
two weeks ago my husband told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and he wanted to leave me, we have been together for 13 years married for six and have 2 DC's.
I have had a horrendous two weeks trying to keep it together for my little ones, I am doing a better job at it now but in the beginning I couldn't look at them without crying.
He keeps saying he is going to leave to stay with his brother but he is yet to go.
he now says he is going next week (he said that last week too) he says he needs some space to get perspective but he will come round and spend the evening with me and then sleep at the other place. So does he want space or not?
Fortunately the children's routine won't change dramatically as he was always back from work after they were in bed anyway and out of the door before they got up as he commutes quite a distance.
One minute he says it's a trial seperation and we may sort it out in the future, the next he is telling me to contact the benefits people to see what I am entitled to.
He says he wants to come and stay at the weekends and spend time as a family, does that include me? I suggested he take the kids to his parents for the weekend as they live by the seaside and he said "are you not coming with us?" His parents know he is leaving me, so why would I go?!
He says we have just become friends and that I am his best friend and he will miss me but he can't be my husband right now.
I asked him in the beginning to go to relate and he wasn't interested, then he said we could go now he doesn't want to again.
I have taken the stance of I just need to go along with it all and keep as positive as I can, inside I am screaming and am worried I am going to end up hating him due to his lack of empathy for me or his apparent lack of knowing what the hell he wants.
About four days before he dropped this bomb shell on me we were talking about taking the kids to disneyland next summer and he said "oh we can still all go" What?!
I have asked him not to tell my DD anything yet as she is only five and I have been told by her teachers since she started school that she doesn't deal with change well, and she shows signs of being anxious when say a supply teacher comes in for the day, this is going to turn her world upside down!
I desperately want him to stay and work on our marriage because when it boils down to it I love him with all of my heart, and I feel so broken.
I don't know how to cope with this at all.
Do I ask him to leave and then risk he may be gone forever? Do I carry on like this feeling like I don't know what each day will bring and hope we Re build our marriage?
I just don't know what to do and I feel so alone and hopeless, I have great friends but at the end of the day they give me a shoulder to cry on and go home to their husbands and family. I don't have that one special person anymore and I feel lost.
sorry to go on, I just don't know what to do.

This sounds so hard and distressing for you. What struck me is that it is all about him, and you (and the dcs to some extent) are at the mercy of his emotional whims as he keeps chopping and changing what he wants.
Ultimately, if he is going to behave like this, it doesn't bode well for the future. Even if he miraculously tells you today it was all a mistake and he is back in love with you, is that what you want? A man who behaves like this and cannot be trusted?
"I have taken the stance of I just need to go along with it all" - actually I think by you going along with it all gives him all the power and you are in a vulnerable position.
I would suggest that you seek legal advice, confide in close friends, possibly go to Relate (alone, not with him) and take some control back.
Yes you love him, but he does not respect that and he is behaving very badly at present, you cannot change him, or influence him. You can change your approach to him, and I think you need to set some clear boundaries here.

Yes, you are right. He is acting very out if character for him, he is one of the nicest people I have ever known and this is the opinion most people have of him, so it makes it all the more difficult to deal with him being like this.
I am trying to get on with my life but his mixed messages are really messing with my emotions to the point where I don't even feel distraught anymore, just totally numb. Obviously I know it is still very raw for me, but he just seems so over it, and I guess that hurts.
I am just not as ready as he is to give up on our marriage, as weirdly we get along very well he just says he doesn't have "those types of feelings" anymore. God it's horrible. thanks for your response it's good to get a different perspective on things as I feel I am blinded by it all at the moment.

You must be in absolute shock.
He hasn't been unwell or anything else unusual has he? (E.g. Drugs/alcohol)
Or (sorry to say this) some people behave like this if they have had or are having an affair, could this be the case?

No nothing like drugs or alcohol, he is practically t-total, I suspected an affair and it's what everyone asked me, he says not and I would be amazed if he had as I honestly don't think he has the time! I asked if he was having an emotional affair and he says he shouldn't be with anyone as "he is obviously not meant to be happy with someone like that in his lifetime, he is just not destined to have that kind of fulfillment " I think he had had a slight breakdown, we have always had a great relationship had lots of fun together, we have been a bit more like housemates in recent years especially after my son was born as he was a very difficult baby and took a lot of my time and attention. I let it go off the boil a bit I admit it, but he is just so adamant.
it makes me mad because I really don't think he realises how difficult it is looking after children as he has never actually done it on his own, I have always been there. I feel like taking off for two weeks and leaving him in charge, but I know I can't as my son would freak out, he is very attached to me.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

bit of an update, I told him last night that if he was going to leave me then it is better for me that he actually go, he has agreed that he will go on Thursday this week.
I am obviously devastated and did a lot of crying and I am now playing the waiting game, but I have been making enquiries today so feel a bit stronger.
I just don't know how I am going to tell my five year old, she is not going to handle this well at all, my son is only two so hopefully he won't really understand. I am a child of divorce and I know how bloody horrible it can be so I just need to be strong for them and make sure we have lots of fun together. x

Fwiw I think you did the right thing, having a clear conversation with him rather than waiting to find his next move/whim.

Hope you have lots of rl support, it is a difficult time